(Closed) Fiancé has female best friend

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 106
4239 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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hikingbride :  Yup, you sure understand me ***perfectly***.

All I’m saying is that whenever this is topic comes up on here, a lot of people get crazy about the topic.  That ALWAYS will skew the advice.

With that, I am peacing out of this.

Post # 107
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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jenndubya :  “actually he had me clear out my contacts long before I ever questioned his friendship with her. So it’s okay for him to have this widely inappropriate close friendship but I wasn’t to have any male contacts in my phone even though I hadn’t been in contact with them in ages… He calls them “back ups ” he thinks I was keeping them around to sleep with them in the future if things went sour between us which wasn’t the case at all

This sort of controlling behaviour makes the whole thing twice as bad. Again, this is classic, text-book, cheaters’ behaviour: by constantly accusing you of cheating (or thinking of cheating), he is deflecting from his own behaviour.

Even if it’s not that, why are you staying in a relationship where you let him enforce such blatant double standards, and he doesn’t trust you to the point that he has accused you of wanting to sleep with other men?

My advice is to leave him. This guy is just bad news all round.

Post # 109
72 posts
Worker bee

When I started dating my fiance, he had a close female friend. She acted the same was as your fiance’s friend is acting, if not worse. She would ask him if he thought she was fat and if he thought she looked good in a certain outfit. After a year of putting up with her calling him in the middle of the night, to being innapropriate and going out of her way to cause a fight between my fiance and I, I unfortunately had to give him an ultimatum to tell her to stop behaving this way or to cut ties with her. They haven’t spoken in 4 years. DO NOT PUT UP WITH ANYTHING YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH. Like your fiance, mine would NOT tolerate me being close friends with another male. Your fiance should respect that this is upsetting you and tweak the friendship or cut ties completely. 

Just my opinion!

Post # 111
13756 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I think it’s so so sad that you say you’d have left if you didn’t have a child together. That baby is the one and only reason I’d invest any effort in this relationship at all, and under the circumstances I seriously question whether it’s worth considering even now.

So many obvious deal breakers here. The lying, the cover ups, the talking about your problems behind your back, and the unwillingness to listen to anything you say or make changes. If he can lie about a simple get together, then how do you know anything he has ever told you about a physical relationship past or present is the truth? How do you believe anything he says at all? 

The story only gets worse with his hypocrisy. Telling you to delete male friends from your contacts because they are your “backups” sounds like projection to me. 

You can’t avoid therapy because you fear he’ll run to tell her about it. Just the fact that you feel this way proves how desperately you need it. Any therapist who is worthy will help him see how harmful his behavior has been, and dig deeper into the underlying issues between you.

If he is unwilling to make the effort or take this seriously, then I think you have your answer. 

At the very least, put any marriage plans on hold and do not combine your finances. 

Post # 113
2617 posts
Sugar bee

The trouble is that SHE is also a major part of the issue. So them maintaining their friendship while she continues to behave that way is going to be difficult. He needs to put his foot down. Big time. And likely he will have to have a talk with her – but it will need to sound like it is coming from him, not from you. 

An ex of mine had this overly close relationship with a female before we started dating, and it always made me nervous. then when I finally did meet her, she totally confirmed my concerns by being over the top flirtatious with him. I was so visibly upset and uncomfortable, that after that night he didn’t speak to her really for a while and cooled their friendship RIGHT down. Didn’t see her for months. When we did hang out with her again she was much more reserved and no longer had that edge of posessiveness to her behaviour (though she was still pretty attention-grabby because i think that’s her personality in general). I appreciated that he did that, we broke up amicably for other reasons. 

Your fiance needs to DO something about it though. He can’t just keep contacting her the same amount and hanging out the same amount, and just expect the tone of their interactions to change. At the very least they need a cooling off period and an acknowledged awareness that their behaviour is inappropriate. 

Post # 114
1389 posts
Bumble bee

I think you need to assert yourself lovely. It sounds like you’ve been incredibly gracious and kind, almost to a fault, up until this point. You’ve committed so much to this man! I would give him an ultimatum about how this makes you feel and lay down some laws. This is not okay, and not good for the baby. good luck! xo

Post # 115
229 posts
Helper bee

Holy moses. Do you know why a lot of men (and women) DON’T allow their friendships to be yhis way? Because they know without a doubt that their partner wouldn’t tolerate and would be out the door in a flash.

Your guy doesn’t seem to realise that losing you is an intensely real possibility and it may be a good refresher for him to be reminded of this. 

Having a baby in the mix can complicate things but a baby isn’t super glue and doesn’t fix or hold thing together.

I hope you find a good resolution soon! Don’t doubt yourself. You have your own boundries as well as couple-boundries. Keep them strong honey!

Post # 116
707 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Honestly if someone did any of these things to my Fiance or me I would tell her off straight up. You seem to have a decent handle on the situation, so really it’s up to how your Fiance handles it. 

I dated a guy with a best friend that was a girl and had mostly girl friends and I was straight up pissed off about it 100% because one of his other friends (also female) legit said him and his bff would get married the first time they met me. In front of my roommate. 

Post # 117
1252 posts
Bumble bee

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jenndubya :  

This seems like she’s his number one in life; it’s hard to break a friendship like that.

However, I am beside myself about this friendship? Is it really a friendship, or is there more? Was there more at one point?

I think you need to put some serious boundaries. If he can’t do that….then where is this relationship going?

Post # 118
42 posts
  • Wedding: January 2007

 I would talk to her.  If he’s making an effort to not pick up her calls and she is still blowing up his phone, then she is also part of the problem. I think there is  enough trust between all of you guys that you can bring this up.   If He blows up on you, then so be it, but you need to show both of them that you are worthy of respect.

Post # 119
234 posts
Helper bee

You have a lot of excellent responses already so I just want to add to the fact that their relationship is without a doubt innappropriate as hell. He needs to set boundaries and she needs to understand and back off a bit. Good luck, bee!

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