(Closed) Fiance has many female friends

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

If you can’t trust your Fiance, then you may not be ready for marriage.

It would be one thing if he had given you a *reason* to be concerned- if he had a history of cheating, or if he ever acted inappropriately with any of these girls, but from what you’ve said, he sounds like a pretty straight arrow.

If there were a particular girl who couldn’t respect relationship boundaries and was very obviously after your man, I could see you asking him to politely cut ties with her, but that doesn’t seem to be the case, either.

When Fiance and I got to university, he made a lot of female friends. This didn’t both me- it meant more potential girlfriends for me! I befriended them through him, and now I’m even closer with some of them than he is.

Post # 4
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

“sometimes i wonder if im ready to be engaged, there are a lot of things im just not right iwth.”

If this is something that genuinely bothers you, you should discuss it with your fiance. It seems as though you realise it’s not healthy to be so paranoid about your fiance’s friends (which is great you can recognise that!), and you just need some support while you work through these feelings and find some way to accept your fiance being friends with members of the opposite sex.

Post # 6
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

no, this doesn’t bother me. I’m in a career field that is 91% nation-wide male dominated, all my coworkers are male, most of my friends from college are male, and I have never once hooked up with them, especially since I started seeing Darling Husband my first year in. if he had a problem with this, I wouldn’t know what to do because this comes with my chosen career!

you might need to talk about your comfort zone and stuff, but you can’t possibly think that he can’t ever have female friends just because he’s in a relationship or married. 🙂

Post # 10
Member
9209 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Yeah I think it’s pretty normal to have friends of the opposite gender.  I’m in a field of mostly men (wildlife biology) and I have a bunch of guy friends.  My fiance is a nurse and so he obviously has a lot of female coworkers and friends.  I’m a total flirt by nature, in an innocent way, and my sweetie has no qualms whatever cause he knows he is my one and only love.  So at least your guy isn’t flirting with his friends!

Ps, he sounds awesome.  And I’m glad you didn’t let him cut off his friends – that would definitely be unfair.  Sounds like you’re aware that you need to get over this so good luck!

Post # 11
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@doubtingdebbieah:  I think you feel this way because of your past experiences, and it’s completely justified and natural. Coming from my own experience, however, it IS possible for a male and a female to be nothing more than just friends – many of my closest friends are male and though in some cases, attraction has been admitted by both parties, nothing has ever happened because I won’t let it, and my guys highly respect their boundaries and my Darling Husband.

your man sounds like a straight arrow, and I believe that you may be able to overcome this just trusting him. For example: I don’t really like the way Darling Husband drives, and I used to be utterly terrified when I was a passenger in my own car. But, I told myself, if he can take a nap while I’m driving at 75mph, why can’t I trust him when I’m awake? I don’t have this fear anymore, because I realized that I needed to trust him the way he trusts me 🙂

Post # 12
Member
9074 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

The biggest argument of, “I trust him, but I don’t trust his friends” is still not trusting him. While you didn’t use these exact words, that’s kind of the gist I’m gettng from you.

I agree that asking him to cut his friends out of his life is selfish and very unfair. I’m assuming he hasn’t asked you to cut any people out of your life. If they’re just his friends, chances are they’ll stay that way — after all, he’s engaged to you, and not them, right?

You and I differ there — I have had many male friends that I have not “hooked up” with, so I can only speak of what I know. Any man I did “get with”, I eventually stopped talking to for various reasons.

My only advice is to “get over it” by simply trusting him utterly and completely. Friends can be silly with each other, and friends can “love” each other, you just need to be steady in the fact that your man loves you and will be faithful to you.

I’m sure his friends know about you, and they know you’ll be getting married, and despite popular belief, I haven’t encountered a single person in my entire life that has desired to be a “homewrecker”, even some of the really, really shitty people in my life found that to be off limits.

I think you’re over thinking all of this, but like I said, I can only base my opinions off of what I have experienced and what I know. Just take it one day at a time — have you tried becoming friends with any of his friends? Might help see them as real people and not lurking shadows in the corner looming over your fiance, that way you can put a personality, a name and a face (so to speak) to the person.

Post # 13
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2005

I have to agree with most posts, if you say you trust him but not his female friends, that’s really a round about way of saying you don’t trust him.  Asking him to cut friends out of his life when they’ve only been friends and not had any past history seems selfish.  I’ve had plenty of male friends that have only been friends as my husband has plenty of female friends.  I ‘can’ be a tad jealous of them when I don’t get to be with him but they do but I know it’s for no reason other then I just want to be with him, I trust them and more importantly I trust him.  If they did anything he didn’t like he wouldn’t be friends with them.  You should try to become friends with his friends, they obviously mean something to him.

Post # 14
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@doubtingdebbieah:  I have a ton of male friends and my husband is still getting use to it. It’s cause more than one fight and I’ve hit my limit. I’m not letting people go that I care about and that have been there for me because of his insecurities. He loves me and I love him but I don’t deal well with other people’s lack of self-esteem, self-love, self-valuation, whatever. The next time it happens, I’ve already told him he’s going to be staying at someone’s hotel.

Get some counseling and/or wait for the relationship to mature further. Don’t make him pay for your issues.

Post # 15
Member
598 posts
Busy bee

@doubtingdebbieah: 

Yes it would bother me because I am a crazy jealous person!

He is with you though, so why care about his female friends? If he wanted one of them he wouldn’t be with you!

If only I can take my own advice Tongue Out

Post # 16
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Well d*mn. There was a comment on reddit that perfectly summed up my argument for this, but I can’t find it. Oh well, here’s the cliffnotes version:

There are two types of people – the people who think that two people of the opposite gender can never be “just friends”, and the people who separate physical desire and friendships.

Two people of the first type will always bring it around to sex. (You’re here, I’m here, we both know what we want)

Two people of the second type can actually be friends without expecting more. 

One of each type will cause confusion between the two. The first type will think that the second type is denying their wants or is ignorant of the world. The second type will think the first type is an horndog with a narrow view.

/summary

—-

Now that I’ve explained that, here’s my personal experience: My fiance has quite a few female friends. Even worse some of them have model looks and there’s been a history of crushes at different times. When we started dating, I had a choice: deprive him of his amazing friendships (because they really are awesome girls), or run the risk of losing him. I chose to swallow my pride and try to become a more understanding person. I’m a decently relaxed person in that area anyway (type #2), due to the fact that I have male friends myself, but it can be difficult. You just have to constantly remind yourself that those are real friendships that you’d be breaking up, and moreso that you’d be making yourself into someone uglier than what he deserves. That’s what kept me going. You can’t help jealousy, but you can help your actions.

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