(Closed) Fiance hates my mom's BFF

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

If you’re parents are paying for most, they get a say in the invites.

Even if they weren’t paying, I’d think it would be rude not to invite someone whose been a big part of your life and who you look like at an aunt.  I’d hold my ground on this one.

Post # 4
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Kewii:  i agree. Unless she did something awful would stand my ground and invite her.

Post # 5
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

If your parents are paying, then she should be allowed to come, especially as you veiw her as an aunt.

Before I even read the question I thought ‘unless your mum is paying or you’re close with her, don’t invite her’, but you are close with her and your mum IS paying, so yeah, i’d tell him it’s important that she comes.

I think it does depend on why he doesn’t like her though, if she didn’t actually do anything, then he seems to be overreacting. If this was the first time they met, then it’s entirely possible they just don’t ‘get’ each other yet, he could easily change his mind after a few more visits. I think if he’s just saying ‘no, I don’t like her and don’t want her to come’, that’s not good enough. If he’s saying ‘these are the reasons’ and then lists valid issues that you may need to reconsider, but she’s like an aunt to you. If he didn’t like a member of your family would he just say ‘nope, I don’t want them there’?

I think the last question has too many variables for me to answer. Is he close with this person? Are they very involved in his life? Why don’t you want them there?

Post # 7
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you have to invite her, then try and  avoid contact with her as best you can. 

Post # 8
Member
2934 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I also think it depends on WHY he doesn’t like her. Is she racist/homophobic? Did she say something incredibly offensive deliberately? If she just rubs him the wrong way, I say he has to suck it up for the wedding day. He’s going to be incredibly busy interacting with his own family, all he has to do is greet her briefly and then avoid her.

Post # 9
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@RiverBride13:  

If the roles were completely reversed, and you had no real reason other than you didn’t like the guy, then I would say he should still be aloud if it was really important to your Fiance.

Guest lists are a huge P.I.T.A! Hopefully you can both agree on this =) good luck.

Post # 10
Member
2934 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

Also, FWIW, my Darling Husband and I both dislike one of my mom’s good friends, and we have to see her sometimes. We just deal.

Post # 11
Member
7680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Even if you parents weren’t paying: you don’t veto his friends/relatives and he doesn’t veto your friends/relatives unless there is a very, very good reason. Feeling disrespected is far outweighed by the long relationship you and your mum have with her. You win this one. And if you didn’t like his dad’s best friend who was like an uncle, he’d win that one.

But since your parents are paying, it’s no contest.

Post # 13
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you’re close to her, I wouldn’t even entertain a discussion about whether she should be invited.  There were people on both sides of our list that Darling Husband or I weren’t 100% enthusiastic about, but we knew it was important to someone (us or our parents) that we invite them, so we did.

Remind him that he’ll have to talk to her for maybe 2-3 minutes tops.  And if he’s still put off by her even being present, then I would seriously question his maturity.

Post # 14
Member
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

paula1248:  —> THIS

And well quite frankly, as the old saying goes…

HE WHO PAYS, GETS THE MOST SAY

This may be your Wedding, BUT if your Parents are paying the lion’s share of costs, and are therefore The Hosts… they truly are the ones doing the inviting (and not you guys).  Which is WHY when it comes to Etiquette (this being posted on the ETIQUETTE BOARD) in the most traditional of Invites, the Bride’s Parents are the folks listed at the top of the Invite…

Mr. and Mrs. John RiverBride request the honour of your presence at the marriage of Susan Patricia to Mr. David Donnery… etc

NOW if there was a specific incident that creeped him out because it was most decidedly inappropriate … such as your Mom’s Best Friend (Aunt Sally) making a pass at him… then there MIGHT be cause for you to bring up his concerns with your Family (Mom & Dad).  And the same would be the case if his Uncle Bob, pinched your bum… then you guys would have to talk about it, and be a joint-front in presenting to the Hosting Parents.

BUT if it is strictly a case of he’s not crazy about her… because of her “manner” (or lack of Manners) and just treated him poorly by being disrespectful / talking down to him… then he really needs to do the right thing now that you are all going to become part of a BIGGER FAMILY… and suck it up.

The good news is… after the Wedding you guys will become your own social unit… and can make up your own minds about who you want to and not want to socialize with.  So if that means you meet Aunt Sally at times for lunch with Mom, sans Hubby… or that she never makes it onto the list of folks invited to a BBQ at your house, so be it.  OR if the two of you agree, that you won’t be going to functions elsewhere that she too is invited to, again so be it.

But for now… the Wedding is what I’d call non-negotiable.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 16
Member
7680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think it’s the opposite: he’s being groomzilla-ish. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Explain some of the things that have been said here: that your mother’s paying so she gets to choose some guests. Or that you and your mother have known her for a long time, and he can’t just veto that because he thought she was disrespectful.

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