(Closed) Fiance, I'm so lost

posted 6 years ago in Proposals
Post # 3
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@just_vent:

I’m sorry, that is really difficult.  But, if you get married you’re supposed to be partners, which means you’re supposed to be able to talk to each other about everything, especially things that are bothering you, and especially about your relationship.  I think you need to talk with her, even if it will crush her.  Will it crush her less 10 years from now when you’re married and maybe have kids etc, and finally talk about how you’re not happy?
Can I ask how old you are?  I’m just curious. 

Post # 4
Member
11419 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

If you think telling her how you really feel and breaking up with her would crush her, just imagine how devastated she’s going to be when, one day, she learns that you didn’t have the courage to tell her the truth and that, instead of allowing her to move on and one day be loved by someone who feels as much for her as she feels for you, you were too busy playing the role of the martyr to do the difficult, but right, thing.

I’m sorry to be so harsh, but it’s what you need to hear.

Post # 5
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@just_vent:  Perhaps you underestimate her and overestimate youself. Shell be happier without you than with the miserable you. If you have stuff you want to do, go do it. It is selfish to stay and secretly resent her fo loving you. Youve mentioed you wont listen to advice but in any case I advise you to grow up and let her go.

Post # 6
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@just_vent:  Your partner is supposed to be your best friend.  If she’s not maybe you should reconsider.  But if you truly love her, life isn’t Hollywood  and people need to remember that.  it’s not all ups in a relationship there is downs also and you have to be willing to work through that as well.

Post # 7
Member
6221 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

@subtlebee:  +1. I doubt it would ruin her life. She will be upset, but she will get over it and find someone else. It’s not worth being unhappy and unfair that she will spend the rest of her life with someone who isn’t happy

Post # 8
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I second all the advice given by previous posters – and you, yourself, know what the right thing to do is.

Having said that, it sounds as though you’ve really invested a lot into this relationship, you’ve given up your job, your friends and family, where you lived and, to top it all off, you’ve proposed when you don’t think you were ready. Of course you’re going to be having second thoughts! You’ve put a lot of things on the line to be with this girl, and a) you’re not sure if it’s going to pay off for you and, b) she doesn’t seem to have lost anything – in fact she’s better than ever! It’s only natural that you’ll feel resentful that you’ve had to sacrifice so much just to be with her.

I think you need to have a very good talk with her about how you’re feeling – you moved so far, you’re here without anyone you know, etc. (be careful how you phrase feeling rushed into proposing – she may think you’re taking it back). If she knows how you honestly feel, then you two have a good shot at making it work – at the moment, she probably thinks you’re as happy as she is.

If it doesn’t work after you’ve told her what things look like from your perspective and you both tried to work on making you happier, then you know you did what you could to save it. It not only gives you a chance to make this work (given that you’re reluctant to break up with her), but it also gives you an “out” if it doesn’t work out, because she’ll know how you feel (it might still hurt, but at least you both gave it your best shot).

Also, if you’re one of those guys that is uncomfortable talking about feelings (real feelings), then you’d better learn! For one thing, it’ll make the rest of your life with your current fiancee easier if you can talk about feelings (if you stay together). For another, it’ll make your next relationships so much easier! Better start practising now for when your next fiancee comes along!

Post # 9
Member
598 posts
Busy bee

That was very upsetting to read and I truly feel for you, however as you said you have chosen to put yourself in this situation and have no means of leaving it. If you want to spend your life to benefit someone else while ignoring your own feelings that is up to you. You truly & deeply care about her, althought it doesn’t sound like being in love… I think if you are in love with someone you will love them for who they are as a person. So what if she doesn’t have many things in common with you, she is not a spitting image of you. It is very possible to love somebody without having everything in common with them. You can love somebody even though you don’t consider them to be your “best friend” in addition to your significant other. Every single persons relationship is different, you cannot compare your’s to other peoples. Some of the strongest couples I know are like polar opposites yet I can truly see how deeply they are in love with eachother.

If you have “regrets” about being with this woman, the fact that you will marry her and be willing to spend the rest of your life with her just to make her happy is almost like an insult to her even though she doesn’t know about it. I know I would not want to be with someone who didn’t think I was the right person for them. You can love someone, but regretting the relationship from every happening…. thats a whole different story. I know you are willing to make her happy but I wish you would look at yourself like you have been doing and do yourself a favor and do what would make you happy. It sounds like you are afraid to be alone or you think you can’t find anyone else, otherwise you wouldn’t be so devastated at the thought of breaking it off.

If you want to truly do the right thing and make her happy in the long run I would sit down and tell her every single thing that you are feeling at the moment. Sure you may feel nervous and have doubts about getting married, but if you’ve been feeling this way even before the whole marriage thing, it’s better to talk to her now as opposed to after you get married when all is said and done.

Either way I wish you luck and happiness in life!!!

Post # 10
Member
9117 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Nobody should be forced into marriage. You’re being forced into marriage because it’s a “Marry me or I leave you” ultimatum. Emotional blackmail is cruel.

That being said, if you’re unhappy, you need to leave. Your fiance will be sad — I promise you that. In fact, it might take her a while to get over it. But, humans are resiliant. Time heals all wounds and she will get over it. You’re not going to destroy her life, you’re not going to crush her. You’re just releasing both of you into greener pastures to seek people that are more suited for one another. She’s not for you, and you’re not for her.

You already knows this, you’re just trying to find someone to tell you it’s okay and tell you what (or how) you need to do.

To me, it seems like you’ve reached the point of no return where there is probably very little way to fix your relationship. If you want to sit down and try to work it out, do so because you want to, not because you are feeling pressured into doing so, or because you are obligated to do so.

 

I was kind of in your situation. Before this relationship, I was in a 3 1/2 year relationship with a man I loved, but I was not in love with. I was unhappy (Or well on my way to it) and I was going to settle for him. I was going to say yes when (or if) he proposed, and I was going to sacrifice my dignity, my life and my happiness for him.

I didn’t. I left him the day my husband and I hit it off. He asked me to be his girlfriend and without hesitating, I said yes. He lived in Oklahoma, I lived in California, and three months into our relationship, I jumped ship and moved 1,200 miles for him. He proposed in October and we were married in December.

Do what’s right for you. Your fiance will survive. She will grieve, she will blame, she will come to terms and she will move on.

You just need the will to do it. It isn’t easy, and I don’t envy you, but I definitely wish you all the best.

Post # 11
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

“Because it’s the next logical step” is never a good reason to marry. Nor is doing so because you don’t want your partner to be unhappy. The only recipe for a solid and successful marriage is both people loving each other wholeheartedly and sincerely wanting to spend the rest of their lives together as husband and wife.

You need to be honest and just tell her that you do love her, but you don’t want to marry her. You playing the martyr isn’t healthy for either of you.

I write this with a heavy heart, because I fear that I may be in the same position as your poor fiancee. Even though my SO and I have never fought about it, we’ve had a couple of calm discussions over the years and he knows that, for many reasons, I do want to marry him. But since his proposal, he hasn’t said a word about it and doesn’t want to tell anybody – almost as if he wished it would just go away. One moment, I’m excited and thrilled, and several days later, I’m confused, puzzled and kind of hurt. Similarly, your fiancee may well be picking up on your ambivalance and feeling pretty badly about it, even if she’s not showing her feelings.

I would, and I imagine that she would, too, far rather have total honesty. Tell her how you feel, tell her you don’t really want to get married, and then move on. Your fiancee will be fine, eventually. As you well know, she deserves much better than a man who can’t really commit to her and doesn’t feel that she’s the one for him.

Post # 12
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

OP you sounds like me a few years ago.  I felt like I married my XH because it was the next logical step in our relationship.  I also felt that he was not my best friend.  We barely communicated about anything.  When I married him, I wondered how long we were going to be together before we got divorced.  When we were going to start trying for kids, I thought about custody agreements and how hard it would be to be a single mom.  That is when I knew that I couldn’t be with him any more.

In the end, if you think that you shouldn’t be with her, then leave now.  Yes it will break her heart because she is probably not expecting it, but in the end it is better to get out now than marry her knowing that you are probably going to regret it.

Post # 13
Member
5177 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I sure as hell would not want someone to marry me because they did not want to hurt me. Or because they cared for me, but did not really see me as their life partner. I am not a charity case, and neither is your partner. You should not marry this girl because you are afraid she will be unhappy. That is truly a terrible thing to do her as it only prevents her from moving on to find someone who really WILL love her with all his heart in the way she deserves, and it prevents you from meeting someone you will love with all your heart too. She deserves better than regret, resentment, a relationship that has limited growth and connection.

I DO truly believe that it is important to truly feel like you have found a soulmate in each other. This does not mean I am saying there is only one out there for everyone, and I am not about to argue whether soulmates exist or not, but I know for ME, when I met my soulmate I knew it without any question. We really do get each other, we really are compatible, we are best friends, we talk about everything and anything, we are authentic and honest with each other, we let each other into our deepest selves. We love together, grow together, laugh together, and all that good stuff. Of course we are still our own individual people. We still have our own personal interests and goals, but we also share many commonalities and a certain harmony.  

All I can say is I am sooooo grateful I waited and did not marry any of the other men I dated before I met my husband. I could have. Certainly there was an argument with a couple of them that it was the next step, since we lived together, were together a long time, and so on. But life, and relationships, are not about ticking off boxes.  I know my husband is equally thankful he did not marry any of his previous girlfriends. He almost proposed to one, after a few years of dating as it was the next step, but stopped himself and it turned out for the best as there were other things going on he found out about not long after. I know that if I had settled for less, well, I would really, really have missed out on something wonderful.

Only you can decide what is important in a relationship, but don’t let anyone tell you that it is impossible to have those things that you say are important to YOU in a relationship, like being best friends, having great communication and things in common. It might take longer to find. Maybe you never WILL find it. But that does not mean it is impossible or that you should settle for less.

Of course she will be upset if you end things. But give her some credit. She is not a fragile doll. And she deserves more than someone who is half-hearted about being with her and is only with her to see her happy. You can love someone, but they can still be the wrong person for you, and the wrong relationship for you.

 

 

 

 

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