- 6 years ago
- Wedding: November 2014
Quite new to the forum and more so, the site. I created a login and this thread so I could get what it is off my mind since I figure it’s better than bottling it up. Here is the situation… I have just proposed to my girlfriend a few weeks ago. I gave up quite a bit to be with her. You see, I just left a great job, I mean I loved it. Also, I moved in with her to a location that I really don’t like. But I thought, if it makes her happy, then why not. Oh and it did. She could not be happier. She always has a smile on her face and it’s great. But here’s the problem…
We always had some issues with our relationship. Whenever we fought, it would always be about marriage (when I would propose) and the fact that we were so far apart (states apart (+12 hours drive)). I decided to move to where she was at so that the fighting would stop and she would be happy. She said she would move to where I was but she lived close to family and she really liked her job (and she made a little more than me) so I moved there. Then a few days later, I proposed. She has been so happy ever since. But, the only reason I proposed is because I knew I would lose her if I didn’t. I never thought that I was ready to get married. I almost felt strong armed into it. We have been dating for years so it’s very understandable, but we are still young and our plans for our lives are very different.
Anyways, I still don’t feel ready for marriage. Hell, maybe I’ll never be ready… Part of me feels like that I’m just comfortable. Like we have so much time invested into the relationship that the only logical step is marriage. And the thought of losing her was very unsettling. I feel anxious and uncomfortable just thinking about it. But, I have thought about it. I know that I’m not as happy with the situation as she is. I try to separate myself just to take an outside look into the relationship and well, I don’t like what I see. We don’t have anything in common. We don’t have the same sense of humor. We don’t like the same things/activities. It’s very hard to have a conversation with someone like that. Even though I do know that I love her. I mean, the thought of her with someone else is devastating. It’s just that I thought the person that I spent the rest of my life with should be just like my best friend.
And to be honest, I wouldn’t really call her that. I can’t talk to her about stuff I’m interested in without her always fainting interest in it too. It feels a bit patronizing at times. But I know she tries because she truly does love me. I know that I’m literally her world. I know that she would do anything for me. I’m not that guy that doesn’t see that and does bad things to take advantage of it. I try so hard, but it never feels the same way as it feels for her. We have never lived together before, and I know that things are different once you live with the person for awhile.
Logic states that if one person is unhappy with the relationship then that person should end the relationship or try to work on it in order to make the two happy. I’m not sure what I am right now. It seems more complacent than anything. I know what people would tell me to do. They would say “Try to work on it…” or “If you love her than you should let her go so she can find someone else…” or something along those two points. All very valid. It’s just that I KNOW that even if I’m unhappy with the relationship (if it gets to that point which I feel it might); I won’t do anything about it. Why? Because she is happy. Mind you she is not controlling. She’s very sweet and loves being with me. She always tells me how happy she is. It’s just… I cannot do that to someone who thinks the world of me. And I’m going to have to sacrifice my happiness for her. I know I won’t do anything. Even with all the advice I’ve been given. I don’t have the heart nor the spine to break up with her.
I don’t know what is wrong with me. There is so much in my life that I regret. So much that I won’t be able to do just so she can be happy. And there’s no way to tell her what I just vented about because it would crush her. It would destroy her life. I cannot bring myself to do it. So… What’s the point of this rant if I’m not willing to take the advice that I was already given (or will be given on this)? Just that. To vent, to rant to get this out in a way that’s ever so slightly healthier than keeping it bottled up inside. Sometimes I wish I could go back to when we met just so I could tell the younger me to let her go so she could be with someone who is like her, who wants what she wants in all things.
I don’t know… Maybe my thoughts on love and marriage have been tainted by the Hollywood movies/tv shows we watch. Finding that special someone who is like you and is your best friend. Well, I hope no one has to experience this. I love her, I do, but not the way I thought I should love someone.