Fiance insistent that I change my name – please help

posted 9 months ago in Traditions
Post # 2
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I hate your fiancé is being so pushy. I considered keeping my last name and sometimes I wish that I had-  mostly because I’m still in the process of changing it everywhere- but my fiancé really wanted us to share a name and had kids from a previous marriage so wanted to keep his current last name instead of changing to mine. In the end I didn’t feel enough of a connection to my father and his family to want to keep the name badly enough, my dad also passed away but when I was 12. If I had decided not to, though, he said he understood and would have been disappointed, but I don’t think he would have been vindictive and tried to hurt me back. I think that the biggest problem with what you’re saying and maybe you need to sit down and have the hard conversation with him even if it means arguing. From what I read it seems like he’s just trying to bully you into something you don’t want to do and that isn’t fair. Good luck bee! 

Post # 3
Member
3060 posts
Sugar bee

louiseoxford :  Or anybody have any ideas for a way forward?” 

Certainly: First, understand that he is not worth all this hassle. Second, buy an anthology of Feminist books, and offer them to him as a parting gift. Third, open your life to all the great possibilities, including meeting and falling in love with a real man, not one whose insecurities are so pathetic.

Post # 4
Member
1201 posts
Bumble bee

U sure you want to marry him? He sounds controlling and punitive with the refusing to wear a ring as tit for tat. And clinging to “tradition” when he is not normally traditional is laughable. 

If he is even “joking” about the fact that he wouldn’t have asked you to marry him had he known you would have made a choice that is YOURS to make regarding YOUR IDENTITY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE with zero regard to your own feelings on it, I think that says it all.

Do not change your name. Change your fiancé 

Post # 5
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

If it was that important to him, he should have talked about I’m a serious conversation BEFORE your engagement. He has no right to make any threats now. 

 

 

Post # 6
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

I just lost my dad a few months ago (right after my wedding) and I can totally relate to not wanting to part with your dads name. I can’t bring myself to do any of the paperwork of changing my name. I’m probably going to make my maiden name into my new middle name because my husband seems to want me to take his name. But I’m not excited about it. You should tell your husband how you feel about parting with your dads name. If he can’t understand your feelings then he might not be someone worth marrying.

Post # 7
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

You should thank him for the favor of showing you his true colors before you got legally tied to him. This is a core issue of autonomy, respect, and seeing you as an equal partner. Don’t ignore it. 

Post # 8
Member
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

Wow, I’m sorry but a partner thinking he has the right to insist you do anything you don’t want to do, let alone something so important to you, is a partner I’m not sure I would want. This would have me seriously considering our future together, it shows a total lack of respect for your feelings, and suggests that he thinks that as your husband, he’s your boss.

This whole situation really doesn’t sit well with me…

Post # 9
Member
3446 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

You are the only person who gets to decide what your name is. He does not get a vote in that. To begin with, you can change your name, if you decide that’s what you want to do, later down the line. It’s not something you have to even consider now. Honestly I’d tell him you’re not going to change it and it’s not up for discussion. This isn’t something you guys need to agree on because this is YOUR name. Something being a tradition is a weak reason to do anything. As far as the threat about the ring, personally I’d call his bluff.

Stand your ground on this. He has no right to “name” you 

Post # 10
Member
7030 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’ll preface this by saying the right decision is YOUR decision, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. My first question would be…..is he this pushy about all of his opinions when they differ from yours or is this the only thing he’s been this way about? 

I think he’s being pushy and fankly a jerk about the whole thing. If you don’t want to change your name you shouldn’t be forced to. At that point you need to just seriously do some soul searching and ask yourself if this is the right guy for you. 

To play devils advocate, because you brought it up – taking the name issue off the table like it didn’t exist, if your fiance came to you and said “I don’t want to wear a wedding ring and I’m not going to after we’re married” what would you do? In your heart of hearts, would you be 100% ok with him choosing to not wear a wedding ring? Would you tell him that it’s his choice and he is welcome to go bare?

I ask because sometimes we are ALL guilty of getting hung up on tradition, and just because he’s a guy doesn’t mean he didn’t have a vision of how his future would look. To him that might mean his wife taking his name. Him saying “it’s tradition” might just be the only way he knows how to articulate his feelings on it. I think men often feel the same about their wife taking their last name as women do about a husband wearing a wedding ring. 

I’m NOT saying he isn’t being an asshole about it or that you should be forced to “cave”. But it’s also hard for me to say that you should dump him becuase he’s a controlling asshole when we’re only getting one side of the story and it’s just from your (emotional, and rightfully so) perspective. 

Post # 11
Member
2339 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I feel like a lot of men have this fantasy about their wives taking their name and having a family name. My husband too would have been very upset had I keep my name and it seems like a point of pride yhat i took his name. Luckily I didn’t mind and liked the idea too.

I’ll explain to him that it’s not that unusual for professional women to keep their name, and you have a professional and emotional connection to your name. Ask him exactly what he thinks this changes about the marriage. About the ring, I’ll tell him if he feels just as strongly about it as you feel about your name and he has just as valid reasons you’d support him. Then ask him exactly what are those valid reasons.

Post # 12
Member
14964 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

While I understand the Fiance that is insistant on a name change, it was ok for me cause I didnt care either way.  My otherwise not very traditional husband either expressed views similar to your Fiance, that it was a must, that it would have been a deal breaker, that it “just is what you do”, or that he wanted a single family name (and also laughed at the male changinng the name).  But by no means is he otherwise controlling, manipulative, or anything else that one may try to deduce from this name change desire.  One of you just needs to make the compromise here, there’s no middle ground.  Sorry, I have no advice, but just wanted to say I understand dealing with someone of his mindset about the last name, but also know that he can otherwise still be a good guy.

Post # 13
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I wouldn’t want to marry anyone who disrespects my choices and makes petty and childish threats because he isn’t getting his way. Sounds controlling and embarrassing.

You said yourself you don’t even want to tell your friends because they’ll think badly of him!! I think that’s very telling about the whole situation. You know it’s wrong.

Post # 14
Member
317 posts
Helper bee

This whole situation (his behaviour, not yours) would honestly be a deal breaker for me. 

Post # 15
Member
7773 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You’re reluctant to mention your dad’s passing as part of your rationale for keeping your name because you’re afraid it would come off as manipulative. It’s clear your partner does not share your fear of being manipulative…he has no problem bullying and manipulating you to get his way. He says he won’t wear a wedding ring if you don’t change your name, and that he regrets proposing…seriously? Is he this controlling and manipulative in other areas of your relationship?

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