Post # 76
louiseoxford : “The name thing does mean a lot to him, and he’s not that great at arguing his point – this is partly why he thinks I always get my way.”
He’s not good at arguing his point because there is no good argument for what he wants you to do. The “name thing” means a lot to you too, and it’s your name. Don’t forget that.
Post # 77
louiseoxford : he’s being a controlling dick.
He doesn’t get to demand you change your identity and laugh off the idea of changing his own.
It’s your name. It’s your choice .end of story. If he continues to make this an issue I’d start considering if perhaps he is not as great of a guy as you think are there other red flags you’ve been ignoring or missed?
Post # 78
I’d keep my name and dump the loser. At the very least I’d keep my name and tell him that if he wants to be a baby and not wear a ring as a result, he just saved me money on buying him a ring 🤷🏽♀️
Post # 79
Glad you guys are working on it. As usual, it’s never about the specific name issue, more so about how he is handling it. Threatening to do something as a way to get back at you is super immature on his part and it’s fair for you to let him know that in the future that type of tactic has no place in a marriage and it can’t happen again. He can disagree with you all he wants, but he needs to understand what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. If anyone’s reaction to being upset about something is to lash out and hurt them back, that’s not normal or ok. If he really needs help learning how to communicate his feelings Than consider couples pre marriage counseling to give you both some good tools.
Post # 80
Your Fiance has every right in the world to decide that his wife will change her name after marriage — but, having said that, he doesn’t get to decide that someone who doesn’t want to change her name will be his wife.
If he will only marry someone who is willing to change her name, he needs to make that a “must have” before getting seriously involved with someone in the future.
I changed my name (first maiden newlast), and I love it. My name probably sounds like a law firm, too, but I really like it.
I have a friend who considered hyphenating, and her FH told her that was a dealbreaker for him. She took his name, and they have one of the happiest and best marriages I know of.
If this is a deal breaker for each of you, you’re either going to have to walk away, or someone is going to have to give in.
Post # 81
If you fiance cant understand that you dont want to to give up your deceased fathers name then you shouldnt be marrying him. period. Do not change your name because he is pressuring you to because you will regret it and resent him. I cannot understand why a man who loves, cares about and respects you would EVER behave in this way, I’m sorry Bee but I would run while you can. xx
Post # 82
louiseoxford : I’m so glad you guys were able to discuss it better. He did come off as a jerk but I could kind of see some kind of desperation in his arguments and actions. It did come across to me like he feels very strongly but didn’t quite know how to express it – and especially so, in fact, if he is aware that he is being unreasonable and doesn’t have a leg to stand on but wants it anyhow.
I plan on being married this year and have said I’ll change my name. My SO is fine with me changing it or not changing it. I have mixed feelings about it all. I had another last name when I was young (but old enough to have an impact on me), before my stepfather legally adopted me. Your last name is recognition that you belong to a certain group. It’s an identifier. I have mixed feelings about my stepdad, and I have mixed feelings about my biodad, but my last name tied me to them and their families and history in a way that has meaning to me. It’s hard to think about letting that go.
I know you don’t want to let your name go and you should have to. Maybe he feels that by not doing so, you are showing you don’t really want to be part of his family identity. It’s not an easy answer. If you are willing to consider it, maybe he can help you with finding ways to honor your father and your last name. Good luck!
Post # 83
The thing is, it’s not like this is the only time you have to change your name. With a tiny bit more paperwork, you can change it 1 month, 1 year, 10 years after the wedding or whenever you decide you are ready to, IF you ever decide that.
I was very firm on not changing my name even before I got engaged but on the day we were filing the marriage license paperwork, I had a moment of uncertainty and asked my husband’s opinion – up until that moment we had not discussed it (because it was not a topic up for discussion). My husband admitted that he was disappointed I wasn’t changing my name but he wanted me to make the decision that I was comfortable with. For 20 minutes I agonized, going back and forth but then I realized that a) I could always change my mind (and name!) at a later date and b) making the decision under “duress” was definitely the wrong way. Four years later, it seems so silly that I even spent a moment’s thought on this: in the years we have been married, nobody has ever questioned our marriage or “devotion” to each other because of our different last names. I certainly don’t feel like an outsider in my family because my husband and daughter share a name that I don’t. Honestly this has very very rarely even come up. How often do you introduce yourself with your full name and how often do you do it in the presence of your fiance? Outside of like, the airport, how often do you present your ID for the purpose of showing your name (vs date of birth or picture)?
Your fiance is behaving appallingly: I say that not because of how he feels about the topic (because everyone is entitled to their feelings) but because he thinks he can argue, sulk, threaten and browbeat you into this decision. Assuming you go forward with your wedding, I strongly recommend not making this decision now, when the topic is so emotionally charged. After your wedding, after you have been married for a while, when the pain of losing your father is not so fresh (my sincere condolences by the way – I lost my father 7 months ago and I’m still grieving very much), when you can both hopefully discuss this reasonably and respectfully, you can decide if you want to take this step or not. I promise you the name change office isn’t going anywhere.
Post # 84
livster : but the problem is that if she ever tells him that she will change it down the road, the way he (manipulates) and ‘discusses’ as mentioned on the updates, he will always hang it over her head on every little disputes. That probably become another one of his bullets to get what he wants. By that time, they would already much more enmeshed in life and money, probably have kids, and would be much more troublesome to divorce. If he can’t accept it, might as well rip out the bandage now and don’t get married.
Post # 85
Many, many of the professional (doctors, dentists, others) women where I live have kept their maiden names and there’s no issue or confusion about it. Yes, the children do have the fathers’ last names.
Post # 86
lleello : Oh – I definitely agree with you that he is being very manipulative and she needs to take a step back and take a long hard look at her relationship before proceeding.
The only point I was trying to make is that IF she goes ahead with the wedding and she doesn’t change her name during that period, it is still very possible to do so at a later date. There is absolutely no pressure to make this decision now. The secondary point I was making is that in retrospect, I realize how silly it was to agonize over this decision (and the agony was totally self-inflicted: my husband told me how he felt but did not try to sway me in any direction because he knew this was my decision to make). Not changing my name has had no impact on my marriage and in fact this comes up so rarely in life that I’m sure there are people who know us, who don’t know what my last name is now.
But yes, I definitely don’t think she should try to “kick the can down the road” and make him think she’ll change it later. She should make her decision (to change her name, to marry this guy) now.
Post # 87
tiffanybruiser : I agree that there is no valid point to be had here (ultimately it’s my name) but he genuinely is actually very terrible at arguing his case. If we were to argue about anything, like I don’t know – buttons vs zippers, I would win hands down. He’s not as good in a quick fire situation, plus I have an annoyingly good memory so can recall exactly what was said by who and when. I can understand why he gets frustrated trying to make his point – but I do think he was massively in the wrong this time.
ladyjane123 : thank you. I have definitely made it very clear that the way he handled the house move and the ring talk was extremely petty and ‘tit-for-tat’ – and totally not the way I am going to make any decisions.
strawberrysakura : I think maybe you’re right, perhaps he also sees it as a bit of a snub to his family. My family are much better off than his, to the point where my mum can’t even comprehend why we are paying for his parents’ hotel room on the night of the wedding (this would be a huge financial burden for them). They are just world’s apart. My dad also won lots of awards for his work, and is well known in his field – and if I am honest, maybe there is part of me that wants to cling onto that association as well as his memory. Maybe this makes me shallow but just trying to be honest. But not that this makes his argument valid, I just guess it could make it more of a sore point if that’s the way he’s taking it.
livster : thank you, and very sorry to hear about your father too. It’s hard to imagine a time when it won’t feel hugely upsetting but I hope that one day things will feel normal again.
I do agree with all your points – and did ask him specifically on when people would even know that we had different surnames – he did actaully quote the airport! I mean, we do travel a lot but still. He did say he’s worried that people will think he’s dating someone who is separated (rather thanb us being married) as I will be a Mrs but not in his name – actually as I type this, I have just remembered that his ex was married and separated… maybe I need to dig into this. Anyway, again, I think this is silly and nobody would leap to that conclusion
Post # 88
louiseoxford : Well I can promise you one thing: the person working at the airport doesn’t give a shit. My husband and I have different last names, different colored passports from different countries and we are different races: literally as different as two people can be. When we approach the desk together and they ask our relationship, we say we are married and the conversation ends there. They don’t question us or our marriage because this situation is very normal, but also because they (along with 99% of the planet) really don’t care.
I say stop arguing/discussing this topic. Firstly because it should not even be a topic to fight over but also because it sounds like you are starting to bow to his pressure. You really don’t have to make this decision now (or ever) so don’t create that artificial pressure for yourself. Rather, focus on the health of this relationship because right now, it doesn’t sound like your fiance is practicing healthy conflict resolution.
Post # 89
louiseoxford : If he is so insistent that you two have the same name, he should take yours. Btw, in no way is keeping your name equivalent to him not wearing a ring. If it is, he should be willing to change his name in exchange for you wearing a ring. To be honest, though, his actions speak to insecurity with himself and his masculinity.
Post # 90
louiseoxford : you dont loss your maiden name by changing it, at least not in Canada, married surnames are just “assumed”, it changes on your I’d but not on your birth certificate and changing it back is really simple, you just go to the dmv with your birth certificate and say you want it changed back