Fiance insistent that I change my name – please help

posted 6 months ago in Traditions
Post # 106
8038 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

MiaSuperstar :  

I think you are  a feminist  if I may so say so. Perhaps you  are identifying   feminism only with  it most strident and political  face . Not that there is anythig wrong with being strident, just not everybody’s way/

I’m always a bit saddened when an  obviously  thoughtful and clearly  pro feminist person/ woman distances themself from it ,  as if it were somehow unacceptable to identify with desiring  equality and fairness  and the right of choice  on the basis of gender. If it were race in question   nobody would  openly disavow their  support for equality of opportunity etc .  

I think the right wing backlash against feminism  has worked,  and still  is working very well

In little ways you see it all the time , as int he  complete missing of the point of  in  pp beebae :‘s  postThe whole Ms./Mrs. thing when you’re married and have kept your own name is out of date, In My Humble Opinion. I plan to proudly go by Mrs. FirstName Maiden Name ” 

Ms is, and always was a simple equivalent  to Mr, an adult title  which does not  connote marital status, If she wants to announce  hers,  fine, of course , but to call others ‘out of date’ because they dont …….sigh……  

Post # 107
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

If he’s not traditional about anything else but this is the one tradition he cares about, that’s concerning. Has he considered the logistical hassle of changing your name, and the psychological loss of identity? Call me cynical, but I work with a lot of DV perps, and this seems really controlling. A lot of DV perps have great qualities, that’s why the victims stick around. One suggestion is you could keep your name legally but use his last name in social circles. You HAVE to tell him one of the reasons you want to keep your name is to honor your dad. This man is going to be your HUSBAND. You have to have open and honest communication, and if he dismisses your sincerity as a sob story, that’s another red flag. If you’re so worried that he’s going to brush off your father (you know him best) that’s also worrisome! 

This is not the kind of thing a couple should be fighting this much over. He seems manipulative and you seem scared to communicate openly with him because he won’t take you seriously. 

I say the first step is to explain you want to honor your father’s memory. If fiance dismisses that, then he has to go. Tradition alone is not reason to have to do something. Sounds to me like he is cherry picking traditions to support what he wants. Good luck. 

Post # 108
175 posts
Blushing bee

 Run, Bee, run. 


I’m biased AF, but my ex manipulating me/wearing me down into giving up surname was Big Red Flag #2 and I missed it, I hid and was desperate to make it work. It was probably where the pattern was truly established, and I could have saved a lot of tears & git-wrenching heartache.

I learned and have grown a lot from those 8 years, but still. Let me share my knowledge witn you. Threatening to take away something you care about to get what he wants? This is emotional blackmail. Dealbreaker. Please, this is not a good sign & has the potential to get so much worse.

Post # 109
175 posts
Blushing bee

Just realised this is a 4-month-old post that’s been ressurected. Sorry –

Post # 110
711 posts
Busy bee

FH is insistent I drop my MIDDLE NAME! I will be taking his last name and not dropping anything and he still throws shade at me about it. He doesn’t like it- well, tough shit! It’s MY name and I’m keeping it. This is definitely differeant than a last name and I don’t plan to sign my middle name by birth, but rather just use my last name as my only middle name in a day to capacity. But, I just don’t want to drop it. I like it, it’s meaningful, and I don’t have to get rid of it! It’s not even up for discussion with him. I’m just doing it. Again, very different than a surname and causes less animosity, but what makes you keep, don’t keep, add, or don’t add are your choice and yours alone when it comes down to it.

Post # 111
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

cq123 :  And what name, pray tell, is your FH willing to drop if you demand it? /s

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