(Closed) Fiance is Facebook stalking his exes. Should I be worried?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Since I got engaged, I look at the FB page of a certain ex of mine quite a bit because he is constantly appearing randomly in my dreams. I think that’s a result of the stress of preparing to make a huge commitment. A wedding is stressful, even as excited as you are to go into your marriage. I would worry as much about his FB stalking as he does about your poking around his browser history (as in: maybe a teensy bit, but this phase shall pass). 

Post # 19
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I think looking up your exes from time to time is normal – I wouldn’t worry about it!

Post # 20
Member
2778 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

mrssofiaemerson:  soooo I’d be less worried about his FB stalking activities and more worried about YOUR Fiance stalking activities.

See, it’s a normal thing to do, to find some crucial piece of info about ourselves, to have that major insight and then replay past relationships with a new perspective to reassign responsibility and realize what we did wrong so we don’t do it again.

My dear, you haven’t done that yet. You haven’t realized that this anxious behavior of yours is detrimental to your wellbeing and your relationship’s delicate trust balance. You haven’t truly realized the damage you’re doing so you haven’t replayed it in your head and reassignEd responsibility so you don’t do it again

He might be grappling with unresolved issues from the past, but you’re just seeking and creating drama in your present day. 

Post # 21
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’ll be honest, I look up my exes on facebook sometimes. I just get curious from time to time and it’s not because I have any romantic interest in them. One of them was a complete @$$ so I get curious as to whether life has come back to bite him in the butt…the other 2 that I will look up every now and then were great guys (just not the ones for me) and I’m just curious to see what they’re up to these days. We were great friends for a long time so although we’re no longer involved in each other lives, it’s nice to see what they’re up to.

If there’s no ill intent there, I don’t think it’s a problem.

Post # 22
Member
7201 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

mrssofiaemerson:  Meh. It wouldn’t matter to me. I’ve looked up exes since we got together (though not since we got married). It’s morbid curiosity and maybe a little bit of wanting to feel like I’m “winning” lol. I in no way want to get back with any of my exes. Like the thought makes me a little nausated. 

Post # 23
Member
4663 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I think it’s normal.  Don’t be so hard on yourself. And stop checking his fb history!!! 

Post # 24
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

mrssofiaemerson:  I don’t know if this will help at all but when I read your OP, I could really relate to how your Fiance has behaved and how he is trying to make sense of his past now that he knows he has Bipolar.

I have the same condition and I did exactly the same thing just before Darling Husband and I got engaged. I looked back at my past relationships that were often short and intense, or long and still pretty disastrous and I did A LOT of reflecting and I worked hard on my recovery for Darling Husband. I needed to make sense of everything to make sure our future would be brighter. 

At the time I probably checked a couple of exes on FB. I’m not in the habit of doing it now.

You say you behave the same as your Fiance on FB so I think you really need to consider what is making you feel so insecure. Darling Husband and I have also been together 5 years (my longest relationship) and that’s because he’s the love of my life. It sounds like you guys have lasted for the same reason, you’ve found that special someone in each other.

Post # 25
Member
1611 posts
Bumble bee

mrssofiaemerson:  I think most of us are guilty here of looking up an ex or someone who was big in our lives. It’s morbid curiosity to see how they are getting along and some do it for a laugh, thinking wow how was I so close to this person.

You say it yourself, you have done it. It’s hard to be cross at someone when you have done it yourself. Now if he is doing this constantly so that it’s not looking healthy or is contacting them, that’s where the line is for me. I wouldn’t be cool with him reaching out to the ex like he had a few years ago. My fiancé has been contacted by exes before but every time he has brushed them off saying ‘that’s nice…’ Trying to be civil but makes it clear he’s only interested in me. One did send an inappropriate message and he told her to back off. 

Post # 26
Member
889 posts
Busy bee

I think one of the silliest things a person can do is snoop on their partners internet searches (even though I copletely understand the curiosity!!). They can be completely taken out of context and made to seem more important than they are. I would be mortified if my hubby knew all the stupid things I search on the internet not because Im looking up anything bad but it would be embarassing if he knew everything that pops into my head which has absolutely nothing to do with him, or our relationship.

As adults I think we are all entitled to some privacy, and felxibility when it comes to curiosity or boredom. I for one would never want to know what my husband search online unless it somehow involved actual interactions with exes or what not, in which case I think it would present itself in other ways.

Snooping can also become very addictive! So I would just stear clear all together.

As for why he is searching his exes, who knows! It could just be out of habit, or to confirm that their lives suck with out him!

Post # 27
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee

I look up exes every now and then, but not one part of me wants them back or even still finds them particularly attractive. It’s more curiosity, I mean they were such a big part of my life at one time – in a way I like to check that they are still doing ok and genuinely want the best for them.

I’m not sure if Darling Husband does the same, however if he did I confess I would be jealous (I’m a naturally jealous person) and would worry he still likes them/wishes he had stayed with them – but I wouldn’t be mad at him as its acceptable behaviour in my opinion. It’s more my own insecurities which make it an issue, which is my problem not his.

Post # 28
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

MrsBuesleBee:  This. I’d just ask him about it. He does seem to easily doubt things, perhaps largely due to his disorder as you mentioned. But it may also just be what MrsBuesleBee said. I sometimes look up my exs for the same reason, but don’t miss them one bit. :p

Post # 29
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

its just curiousity… when you spent an intimate chunk of time with someone then they are completely gone occasionally you’ll wonder what they’re doing

 

 

Post # 30
Member
7852 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

TBH, I look at my two main exes on a weekly basis on Facebook. If my Fiance knew, I’m sure it would probably bother him, but there is literally no reason for him to worry. I don’t really know why I do this, it’s like a compulsion. I have no interest in these guys romantically whatsoever. I’m just like…intrigued as to what they might be up to. I think the one is on the verge of proposing to his gf, which actually makes me happy…so I keep checking back to see if there are updates lol. The other one I more or less loathe (I have written about him on here a number of times), but for some reason I am just curious about his life and so I go to his FB page a lot. I have it set so I don’t see him in my newsfeed, so I have to click on his page if I want to see an update on him. 

Point being…I think it’s normal for people to have some curiosity about what their exes are up to. As long as his real life behavior isn’t shady, I wouldn’t necessarily worry too much that he checks in on his exes on social media sometimes. As long as he’s not trying to contact them for a trip down memory lane it’s probably innocent?

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