(Closed) Fiance is getting cold feet

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Have you had pre-marital counseling? If not, do it asap, to figure this out.

Post # 5
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree with the pre marital counseling suggestion. It seems odd to me that you guys have been together for so long, yet he’s not sure he wants to get married. He proposed, right? Something strange is going on. 

Post # 6
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Maybe he’s scared marriage will change your relationship for the worse.  I agree the pre-marital counseling may help you guys figure this out.

Post # 8
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

He might have a friend or colleague who’s in a bad relationship and venting to the world that marriage changed everything or maybe his dad is saying things to the same effect.  It sounds like it’s not a personal fear of his, so maybe it’s external?  I’m not sure what you can do other than be supportive, listen to his concerns (if he’s open to talking about them), and look into whether you can postpone the wedding or get your deposits back.  Would he be open to having a commitment ceremony?  That way you could still have a celebration with friends and family but without signing the papers… then you could do a private ceremony down the road if you decide it’s right for you.  

Post # 10
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would do premarital counseling. I don’t know if you plan on getting married in a church, but a lot of times they make it manidtory. It is very stress free and they don’t take sides. It’s a very relaxed environment and isn’t meant to judge whether you should get married or not–that’s what to keep in mind. She/he just gives you a better way to communicate efficiently.

I would talk to him and see if this is an option. I would say it’s probably just his nerves talking for him since this has come so sudden, but if he isn’t willing to go to martial counseling, then this could def. be cold feet and it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship together. It sucks because you’ve been together for 9+ years, but sometimes marriage changes people and he may not be willing to change along with it even though he asked you to marry him. I’m sorry I don’t have any other advice. Good luck, hon.

Post # 11
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with the counseling. It really may be that he’s seeing the divorce of his friends and getting anxiety over that. I think a 3rd party forum to discuss this stuff will be best!

Post # 12
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@inspiredcreations:  you stole my idea!!! lol when i read this i immediately thought commitment ceremony and some counseling before and after

@Mel1974:  good luck  hope he can work out his issues!

Post # 13
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I understand your concerns here. My Fiance and I have been fighting off and on over the subject of our wedding the whole time we’ve been engaged. He never wanted to get married, his moms been married and divorced twice and his dad never remarried after their divorce. Currently his last single friend also go engaged and I think it may be having an effect on him as well.

The money has been a concern for me as well, I’ve even said that if I didn’t personally have so much invested in this wedding I would have called it off simply because he reminds me from time to time that he didn’t want to get married and that we rushed things. 3 years together before he popped the question and a year long engagement, not that rushed if you ask me. i’ve been told by my family and some friends that all of this money I’ve spent is cheaper than a divorce…

Counseling has been suggested to me from some ladies on here as well, I didn’t take their suggestion to heart because it’s something I can’t imagine ever doing. It wouldn’t fix anything in my relationship. It would only make things worse. Currently we are fine, and have been for some time now, we had a really long and painful conversation a couple months ago about me moving out and calling off the wedding. He realized i wasn’t kidding and that I was ready to go if I had to. That seemed to be the wake up call he needed.

Not sure if hearing my story has helped you any, I kinda rambled a little more then I anticipated! lol Just keep trying to get to the bottom of things, there is a deeper issue here that needs talked about and if he’s not willing to share his thoughts and feelings with you now, he certainly wont after your married either. And that spells disaster. Marriage is hard for some people to accept, maybe he’s just scared and needs to think about what this means for your future. Ask him if he’s ready to live without you the rest of his life, cause that’s where it’s headed if he breaks things off.

Good luck hun!

Post # 14
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

9 years together is a long time.  Even if you’re very young, you’ve had almost a decade together. My thoughts: if you’re young enough to want children, but you’re with a man who cannot commit to you – are you totally OK with this? If children aren’t in your plans, are you OK continuing the relationship the way it is without marriage? Would doing so cause you to feel resentment? And here’s the BIG ONE: if you were excited to get engaged and YOU want to be married, don’t you think you deserve to be with someone who wants the same thing? I don’t believe men when they say things like “marriage is justa  piece of paper” or some such excuse. Marriage has financial implications and comes with rights and responsibilities. It’s like someone who only wants to rent a house because they can’t commit to a mortgage. I know you can’t see life without him, but can you see life WiITH him but WITHOUT marriage? If it’s not important to you – go on the way you are and be happy. If it IS important to you, this man is not likely ever going to marry you. And, don’t hate me for saying this – GOOGLE articles on it-but he may very well marry the next woman he gets involved with. You need to do a lot of soul-searching, and counseling would help even if it’s just for you alone. Don’t worry about money spent – this isyour life and happiness so there’s no price on that. Good luck!

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