Post # 1
My finace and i have been together for 9+ years. We got engaged just about a year ago and are to get married in 4 months. Over the past week or so we’ve been going through a rough patch..we’ve argued, I’ve slept in the other bedroom ( i do keep him awak tossing and turning). We have had good days and bad days. He said that with the wedding coming closer he’s realized that he may not want to get married. It’s never come up before so thats why i think it’s cold feet more than anything. His parents are divorced, his dad remarried and divorced again. Seeing that he’s always had a negative view of marriage. I was always ok with us and bf/gf and in a long term relationship..was ok not getting married. I never pushed him into it and he’s happy about that so when he popped the question i was so excited!! I can’t picutre my life without him in it..we have so much fun in everything we do!! Is it ok to if we call off the wedding, to stay together and try to work on things? my big thing is all the money we will be out from deposits paid and being w/ cancel policy for the reception place. (my parents paid for that and they would be out the money) I don’t want to lose him, love him more than anything. any advice?!
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Have you had pre-marital counseling? If not, do it asap, to figure this out.
Post # 4
we have not done any counseling. I would like to i just don’t know if i can get him to go.
Post # 5
I agree with the pre marital counseling suggestion. It seems odd to me that you guys have been together for so long, yet he’s not sure he wants to get married. He proposed, right? Something strange is going on.
Post # 6
Maybe he’s scared marriage will change your relationship for the worse. I agree the pre-marital counseling may help you guys figure this out.
Post # 7
Yep, he proposed!! I’ve tried talking to him but he won’t exactly say whats up. I asked if he met someone else and he said no, so i gotta trust him on that. i just don’t know what to do. I just want to be with him and no one else…we’re practically married anyways..just not officially.
Post # 8
He might have a friend or colleague who’s in a bad relationship and venting to the world that marriage changed everything or maybe his dad is saying things to the same effect. It sounds like it’s not a personal fear of his, so maybe it’s external? I’m not sure what you can do other than be supportive, listen to his concerns (if he’s open to talking about them), and look into whether you can postpone the wedding or get your deposits back. Would he be open to having a commitment ceremony? That way you could still have a celebration with friends and family but without signing the papers… then you could do a private ceremony down the road if you decide it’s right for you.
Post # 9
One of his buddies just told him that he is getting a divorce and now that i look back, some of this started a few days after that. It’s been awhile since his dad got divorced so I don’t think that’s it. I don’t know if it really has anything to do with me or his feelings towards me. He’s still had his moments in all this where he’s been great to me and we’ve connected in “other” ways 🙂 The commitment ceremony is a neat idea..i’ll have to look into that!! It could be that he doesn’t want to get married and then have something go wrong and get divorced. I have to reassure him that i will always be there!!
Post # 10
I would do premarital counseling. I don’t know if you plan on getting married in a church, but a lot of times they make it manidtory. It is very stress free and they don’t take sides. It’s a very relaxed environment and isn’t meant to judge whether you should get married or not–that’s what to keep in mind. She/he just gives you a better way to communicate efficiently.
I would talk to him and see if this is an option. I would say it’s probably just his nerves talking for him since this has come so sudden, but if he isn’t willing to go to martial counseling, then this could def. be cold feet and it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship together. It sucks because you’ve been together for 9+ years, but sometimes marriage changes people and he may not be willing to change along with it even though he asked you to marry him. I’m sorry I don’t have any other advice. Good luck, hon.
Post # 11
I agree with the counseling. It really may be that he’s seeing the divorce of his friends and getting anxiety over that. I think a 3rd party forum to discuss this stuff will be best!
Post # 12
@inspiredcreations: you stole my idea!!! lol when i read this i immediately thought commitment ceremony and some counseling before and after
@Mel1974: good luck hope he can work out his issues!
Post # 13
I understand your concerns here. My Fiance and I have been fighting off and on over the subject of our wedding the whole time we’ve been engaged. He never wanted to get married, his moms been married and divorced twice and his dad never remarried after their divorce. Currently his last single friend also go engaged and I think it may be having an effect on him as well.
The money has been a concern for me as well, I’ve even said that if I didn’t personally have so much invested in this wedding I would have called it off simply because he reminds me from time to time that he didn’t want to get married and that we rushed things. 3 years together before he popped the question and a year long engagement, not that rushed if you ask me. i’ve been told by my family and some friends that all of this money I’ve spent is cheaper than a divorce…
Counseling has been suggested to me from some ladies on here as well, I didn’t take their suggestion to heart because it’s something I can’t imagine ever doing. It wouldn’t fix anything in my relationship. It would only make things worse. Currently we are fine, and have been for some time now, we had a really long and painful conversation a couple months ago about me moving out and calling off the wedding. He realized i wasn’t kidding and that I was ready to go if I had to. That seemed to be the wake up call he needed.
Not sure if hearing my story has helped you any, I kinda rambled a little more then I anticipated! lol Just keep trying to get to the bottom of things, there is a deeper issue here that needs talked about and if he’s not willing to share his thoughts and feelings with you now, he certainly wont after your married either. And that spells disaster. Marriage is hard for some people to accept, maybe he’s just scared and needs to think about what this means for your future. Ask him if he’s ready to live without you the rest of his life, cause that’s where it’s headed if he breaks things off.
Good luck hun!
Post # 14
9 years together is a long time. Even if you’re very young, you’ve had almost a decade together. My thoughts: if you’re young enough to want children, but you’re with a man who cannot commit to you – are you totally OK with this? If children aren’t in your plans, are you OK continuing the relationship the way it is without marriage? Would doing so cause you to feel resentment? And here’s the BIG ONE: if you were excited to get engaged and YOU want to be married, don’t you think you deserve to be with someone who wants the same thing? I don’t believe men when they say things like “marriage is justa piece of paper” or some such excuse. Marriage has financial implications and comes with rights and responsibilities. It’s like someone who only wants to rent a house because they can’t commit to a mortgage. I know you can’t see life without him, but can you see life WiITH him but WITHOUT marriage? If it’s not important to you – go on the way you are and be happy. If it IS important to you, this man is not likely ever going to marry you. And, don’t hate me for saying this – GOOGLE articles on it-but he may very well marry the next woman he gets involved with. You need to do a lot of soul-searching, and counseling would help even if it’s just for you alone. Don’t worry about money spent – this isyour life and happiness so there’s no price on that. Good luck!
Post # 15
We are both 37..so not so young anymore! I always content and happy with the way things were before he proposed! I wasnt pushing him into marriage and I would have been happy to stay the way we were! We did talk this weekend and at first we were going to take a break but have decided to work on things. He said that 9+ years is a long time to just give up. We are holding off on the wedding at this point. I love him and he told me he still loved me. I’m happy just being with him. So, we’ll see what happens from here on out.