(Closed) Fiance is ignoring me, WWYD?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Not cool.

His behavior is 100% unacceptable.

I think you guys are long overdue for a heart to heart, serious conversation. He needs to understand your expectations (such as, spending time together)  as well as financial needs. You’re having financial issues, preparing for a wedding and yet he goes out every single night?

It sounds like you’re not on the same page and you need to be.

Post # 6
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

hmmm, this could be many things.  It may be that he is thinking this is his last opportunity to bond with his friends? My Fiance seriously thought that once we had a baby, he would never be able to go to the gym any more. ever. Or go to movies, or go out to eat or anything fun! So he may be thinking that once you guys are married, maybe you won’t ‘approve’ of him hanging out with his friends – it may be something really small like that, and you can just reassure him that he is allowed his guy time.

OR it could be something much bigger, like he is having doubts or nervous about the wedding.  This would be totally normal, it’s something that everyone goes through (men and women!) and I read the book ‘The Conscious Bride’ and found it very helpful.  It would be good if you could be as honest as possible with him, maybe if he hears you say that the way he is acting right now makes you wonder if you want to spend the rest of your life with him if this is the way it’s always going to be.  (cuz I’m assuming that you wouldn’t want that!)

But it’s really hard to know whether it’s just a phase that will pass or if there is a bigger problem – so you’re just going to have to come straight out and ask him and FORCE him to tell you what the hell is going on because the way he is acting right now is really, really unfair on you. ((hugs!))

Post # 7
Member
5921 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Sorry, but he wouldn’t be my fiance anymore.  There is absolutely nothing in your post that indicates he wants to get married. 

 

Post # 8
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think him not wanting to talk to you is unacceptable. He is not acting the right way at all, but you also need to make it known to him how you feel. He needs to understand the hurt that he has been making you feel!! If then he is still acting the same way then there is a bigger issue, if he knows how he is hurting you and doesnt stop,then you need to consider if that is the kind of person that you would like to be with. Has this behavior just started? Or is thissomething that he has always done?? As far as wedding planning why doesnt he want to plan? Does he just not care, or does he not want to get married??

Post # 11
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@lonelybride: If this is how he handles conflict, then, well, it’s just another huge red flag. Life isn’t easy, and you’re going to have tons of crises. How will you feel when he shuts you out each time? Will he do the same to future kids?

 

If you don’t want to walk, then at least go to counseling. You can’t afford not to go.

Post # 12
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree that you need counseling ASAP.  He has serious communcation issues that aren’t going to go away on their own and will bother you for the rest of your marriage if you don’t resolve them.

Post # 13
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

i agress that you really need to talk to him –have him talkto you — and listen to each other.  i know it is hard / awkward / stressful etc… but you have to go through that to get to the issue and hopefully get to the other side of this. 

Post # 14
Member
1614 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Thats entirely unacceptable…I certainly am not one to tell you what to do…BUT If I were in your shoes, I would get a hotel room for a week. Not just to show him that its not going to be tolerated…but also for you…You need YOU time…I would pack up my stuff, and turn off my phone for atleast one week. Don’t tell him where you’re going…just tell friends and family that you need to separate yourself and that he’s just not treating you the way that you deserve to be treated…I would also suggest reading The Rules, by Ellen Fein. Its a great relationship how to for almost any situation, its 100% spot on in my opinion, and its also a fantastic pick-me-up when times are tough. Good Luck Girl!

Post # 15
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think you need to figure out a way to get him to sit down and talk with you.  Obviously that kind of behavior cannot go on if you are going to get married.  It must be so awkward living together and having him behave that way! I am sorry you are going through this!

I don’t want to speculate on what is bothering your Fiance, but if he avoids conversation could you write him a letter just to get his attention.  Explain to him that you feel that the two of you need to talk, and that you aren’t going to force him to discuss all sorts of wedding plans if that’s what he’s afraid of.  Tell him that you feel the two of you  need to talk about your relationship.

My Fiance would definitely avoid conflict if I allowed him to.  I kind of make him talk it out with me though.  His family all avoids conflict and it has really ruined his parents’ marriage, and I don’t want that to happen to ours.  He is getting better about confronting issues as they happen though, but it has taken time and a lot of work.

Post # 16
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@MidwestBride2012: I completely agree with this.

@lonelybride: I wouldn’t dream of suggesting that you leave him, but I agree with

Lindsay12.31.2010:.  If he were my fiance, I don’t think he would not be for much longer – I’d have to postpone the wedding/engagement until this got worked out.  If he isn’t able to communicate with you now about the wedding, how are things going to be different when life gets even harder?  When you have kids, get a house, add any number of stressful events that will happen during your lives together.  This isn’t an issue I’d want to sort out on my own, without the help of a professional.

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