Post # 1
My fiance and I have been together for several years. He proposed last December, and we are supposed to be getting married next summer.
Here’s the thing: lately he has basically just been ignoring me. He goes out with his friends (all guys) EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. He almost never comes home before I fall asleep. When he is home, he just wants to “do his own thing.”
On top of that, we are having some financial concerns right now that may have a huge impact on our wedding. Yet Fiance refuses to talk to me about ANYTHING wedding related. Which is pretty much the status quo. Even though we’ve been engaged for almost 9 months, we haven’t planned ANYTHING for our wedding. He just keeps avoiding the conversation.
I’m not sure if the issue is that Fiance feels awkward and is dodging the issue/conversation; or if he doesn’t really want to get married; or if it is something else entirely.
But I am lonely 99% of the time. And I am SICK of him refusing to talk to me about anything, or spend any real quality time with me.
Not sure what I’m looking for here; I guess just your thoughts on the situation.
Post # 3
Oh, I guess I should add that we live together. Yet somehow we only see each other for *maybe* an hour a day, if that.
Post # 4
His behavior is 100% unacceptable.
I think you guys are long overdue for a heart to heart, serious conversation. He needs to understand your expectations (such as, spending time together) as well as financial needs. You’re having financial issues, preparing for a wedding and yet he goes out every single night?
It sounds like you’re not on the same page and you need to be.
Post # 5
When I say goes out, I mean he drives his car around aimlessly and he & his friends stand around in a parking lot talking about cars.
I keep trying to initiate a heart to heart, but he always ends the conversation before it starts. I honestly don’t understand where all this is coming from; I don’t know if it’s stress or anxiety or second thoughts about the relationship, or what.
Post # 6
hmmm, this could be many things. It may be that he is thinking this is his last opportunity to bond with his friends? My Fiance seriously thought that once we had a baby, he would never be able to go to the gym any more. ever. Or go to movies, or go out to eat or anything fun! So he may be thinking that once you guys are married, maybe you won’t ‘approve’ of him hanging out with his friends – it may be something really small like that, and you can just reassure him that he is allowed his guy time.
OR it could be something much bigger, like he is having doubts or nervous about the wedding. This would be totally normal, it’s something that everyone goes through (men and women!) and I read the book ‘The Conscious Bride’ and found it very helpful. It would be good if you could be as honest as possible with him, maybe if he hears you say that the way he is acting right now makes you wonder if you want to spend the rest of your life with him if this is the way it’s always going to be. (cuz I’m assuming that you wouldn’t want that!)
But it’s really hard to know whether it’s just a phase that will pass or if there is a bigger problem – so you’re just going to have to come straight out and ask him and FORCE him to tell you what the hell is going on because the way he is acting right now is really, really unfair on you. ((hugs!))
Post # 7
Sorry, but he wouldn’t be my fiance anymore. There is absolutely nothing in your post that indicates he wants to get married.
Post # 8
I think him not wanting to talk to you is unacceptable. He is not acting the right way at all, but you also need to make it known to him how you feel. He needs to understand the hurt that he has been making you feel!! If then he is still acting the same way then there is a bigger issue, if he knows how he is hurting you and doesnt stop,then you need to consider if that is the kind of person that you would like to be with. Has this behavior just started? Or is thissomething that he has always done?? As far as wedding planning why doesnt he want to plan? Does he just not care, or does he not want to get married??
Post # 9
Can we not jump immediately to “leave him?” Because this is a post on a message board; and just a small snapshot of my relationship. Yes, it’s an issue. A big one, I grant you. But it’s not as simple as “leave him.”
I need help getting him to talk to me. Every time I try to talk about anything serious he just shuts down. Literally. I don’t know if I’m approaching him wrong, or what. We NEED to have a serious talk, but so far I can’t get him to have one. I need help making it happen, preferably without causing a huge blowout fight.
Post # 10
@organizedbride11: This is a new thing. It happened once before in our relationship, when we were having serious issues that needed to be resolved. Once we dealt with those issues it went back to normal. Re: wedding planning, I think he is avoiding it because of the financial issues we’re having. I also think he just doesn’t realize how long it takes to plan a wedding, regardless of budget. His mantra seems to be “we have a year.”
I’ve asked him point-blank “do you want to marry me,” and he said yes. This happened within the last week.
Post # 11
@lonelybride: If this is how he handles conflict, then, well, it’s just another huge red flag. Life isn’t easy, and you’re going to have tons of crises. How will you feel when he shuts you out each time? Will he do the same to future kids?
If you don’t want to walk, then at least go to counseling. You can’t afford not to go.
Post # 12
I agree that you need counseling ASAP. He has serious communcation issues that aren’t going to go away on their own and will bother you for the rest of your marriage if you don’t resolve them.
Post # 13
i agress that you really need to talk to him –have him talkto you — and listen to each other. i know it is hard / awkward / stressful etc… but you have to go through that to get to the issue and hopefully get to the other side of this.
Post # 14
Thats entirely unacceptable…I certainly am not one to tell you what to do…BUT If I were in your shoes, I would get a hotel room for a week. Not just to show him that its not going to be tolerated…but also for you…You need YOU time…I would pack up my stuff, and turn off my phone for atleast one week. Don’t tell him where you’re going…just tell friends and family that you need to separate yourself and that he’s just not treating you the way that you deserve to be treated…I would also suggest reading The Rules, by Ellen Fein. Its a great relationship how to for almost any situation, its 100% spot on in my opinion, and its also a fantastic pick-me-up when times are tough. Good Luck Girl!
Post # 15
I think you need to figure out a way to get him to sit down and talk with you. Obviously that kind of behavior cannot go on if you are going to get married. It must be so awkward living together and having him behave that way! I am sorry you are going through this!
I don’t want to speculate on what is bothering your Fiance, but if he avoids conversation could you write him a letter just to get his attention. Explain to him that you feel that the two of you need to talk, and that you aren’t going to force him to discuss all sorts of wedding plans if that’s what he’s afraid of. Tell him that you feel the two of you need to talk about your relationship.
My Fiance would definitely avoid conflict if I allowed him to. I kind of make him talk it out with me though. His family all avoids conflict and it has really ruined his parents’ marriage, and I don’t want that to happen to ours. He is getting better about confronting issues as they happen though, but it has taken time and a lot of work.
Post # 16
@MidwestBride2012: I completely agree with this.
@lonelybride: I wouldn’t dream of suggesting that you leave him, but I agree with
Lindsay12.31.2010:. If he were my fiance, I don’t think he would not be for much longer – I’d have to postpone the wedding/engagement until this got worked out. If he isn’t able to communicate with you now about the wedding, how are things going to be different when life gets even harder? When you have kids, get a house, add any number of stressful events that will happen during your lives together. This isn’t an issue I’d want to sort out on my own, without the help of a professional.