Post # 1
Hi Bees –
So… a couple of mornings ago my fiance told me he was nervous – not about the wedding, but about “living with my bad habits for the rest of his life”. By bed habits, I’m not talking about drugs or money: I mean habits like not making the bed in the morning and not being as tidy as he would like (I’m not messy, but I do leave my keys lying around and such). Small, petty things that I know annoy him, but didn’t think were a big deal. I love him, and I know he loves me, and our wedding is in a month – but it has me kind of worried. Any other similar experiences of fiance’s cold feet out there? And how did you deal with them?
Post # 3
Remind him that we all have our quirks. No one is perfect.
Post # 4
I clean up after my Fiance more than anything else. I have the house clean (most days) when he comes home from work and food either made or in the fridge (leftovers). I think I have to put up with him messing up after me more than he cleans and then I mess up the house. I love him enough to see past it though.
Post # 5
First question before I give advice: Do you live together and if so, for how long?
Post # 6
My suggestion is if it’s something you KNOW annoys him, try not to do it, but also talk to him about something that annoys you so he can fix it too.
Post # 7
Tell him you dont like how he breathes sometimes- but you wont ask him to change. I think when the BIG STUFF is covered we sometimes look for little stuff to kvetch about. However, it is the little stuff that adds up and can cause the demise of a relationship.
Sometimes I think about all the technology out there- and the reality that if we had it 20 years ago I would still be married to my first. E.G. I can not read a map- GPS solves that– I like late night TV- DVR solves that- I was always out of touch -due to my job in rural america- cell phones solve that. Go figure-
Post # 8
Yes – we live together – for over a year now. He occasionally brings things up, and I make an attempt to deal with them (most have been easy changes that make both of us happy). He’s not crazy obsessive compulsive or anything, just sometimes gets bugged by the little stuff, and I am a lot more laid back. There are things I could nit-pick, but they don’t really bother me, and I don’t want to devolve into too much pettiness!
Post # 9
well tell him atleast you dont pee on the seat 🙂
Post # 10
We had this talk too – I think its normal to think “can I live with this quirk/annoying mannerism for the rest of my life” and I think he was just fustrated & in the moment.
We lived together for 2 years before the wedding, so he fully knew how messy I can be. It took some time, but now we are on the same page, plus we made sure that we bought a house that would accomidate our needs – i.e. he hates when I leave clothes on the floor of the closet & I hate when his facial hair is left in the sink. So, we bought a house that had seperate closets & seperate sinks, & now no more arguments about this! 🙂
Just be open about what you would like your SO to work on & be patient, and he needs to do the same w/ you.
Post # 11
@kumquat11: I still stand by what I originally said. I understand being more aware as to what things could annoy him, but I’ll repeat myself, everyone has their quirks. It’s a part of life. I absolutely can’t stand some of the things J does, but guess what? It makes him who he is.
Post # 12
@retreadbride: “Tell him you dont like how he breathes sometimes- but you wont ask him to change.”
Haha!! Lol, exactly what I was thinking. I think people really have to be willing to overlook petty things like this because there WILL be harder things to deal with down the road… like real problems.
@kumquat11: I think you should look at it as a comprimise & pay more mind to the housekeeping IF you think he’d do the same for you. This could also mean that you are pretty perfect if he has to resort to things like not making the bed as a reason to be nervous about marriage. He could just be nervous period, & looking for a way to verbalize it. I’d just have a talk with him & let him know how that comment made you feel. Maybe then he’ll open up more. Good luck
Post # 13
I’m not as neat as Fiance but thankfully he is fine with it. He actually helps me make my bed and clean my room when he comes over on weekends.
Would your Fiance be willing to compromise and do the bed himself? I’m sure there are other things you do so if he is really bothered by a messy bed, maybe he could make the bed while you take care of other things! Making the bed is a monumental task for me (because i’m petite and it takes a lot of work for me to wrestle with bulky bedding)…i rather cook and clean, so my SO doesn’t mind making the bed and washing cars.
Post # 14
Have you ever read the love language book? You should.
To him, you making the bed and being tidy shows your love for him. At least that’s the theory behind the book.
Post # 15
@kumquat11: I see both sides of this in a way. I am a neat freak, and Mr. CB is a pack rat. It can get frustrating sometimes, but it is worth it to have him. Also, IMO people who are under stress often get overtaken by the smallest things. For example, I have a bad day and then I come home and there’s sock on the floor next to the basket, the bed is unmade, the dog hasn’t been fed dinner yet- it all comes together and you get stressed. He might have all these things hitting him at once-ending in this conversation. Talk to him gently and see what you both can do to mend the situation. It should be a give and take.
Post # 16
@PinkMagnolia: We read that book and it is amazing!