Fiance is not helping with the planning. Wedding date: Jan 2019 (LONG)

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Perosnally, I would just have a heart to heart with Fi and be as kind/unfrustrated as possible. 

Baby, I’m really excited for us to get married and start our lives together you know I love you so much. We have so many wonderful things to look forward to, but I’m feeling a little angry right now and I wanted to talk to you about it so I could get it off my chest (keep the focus on YOU, not ‘youre not doing this, you’re not doing that’). I’m feeling like most of the planning/getting together is resting at my feet and since this is a partnership, I wanted to ask you to step it up for me. Here are the things I need help with: do you think you could do those things by this date?

See if he’ll meet you halfway. Go in with all your needs/requests and expect for him to maybe do, half. It’s all about communicating what you need without getting mad or frustrated with him because that will only make things more difficult. Let cooler heads prevail. 

Good luck Bee 🙂 

Post # 3
Member
1483 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

He’s just nervous, bee.  It sounds like you’re frustrated because he’s not doing everything you want him to in the exact way that you want him to, which doesn’t really make for fair expectations of him.

Have you had a conversation about which parts of the wedding he might really like to help with?  Have you let him have a say?  It sounds like you might just be acting a little overbearing so he’s purposely keeping his distance in an attempt to not rock the boat.

Have a little patience.  Guys aren’t often good at this stuff and he’s probably feeling super out of his element.  Give him a chance and have a kind conversation about your concerns.  Maybe just let him know you’re worried it won’t all get done in time and you’re stressed – that’s a better way to go about it than just being mad at him all the time that he can’t read your mind or doesn’t know all the ins and outs of the planning.

Post # 4
Member
5542 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
hyacinthandlavender :  

“even a dog would know better” “he just sits there like a dope” that’s really disrespectful.

How do you know he wants to get married? Just because he says so?

Sit down with him and tell him that it seems like he’s been dragging his feet, and ask why. Ask him if he’s just not into the wedding planning or if he’s having doubts about marriage.

He might not be into the wedding planning and forcing him to ask his groomsmen RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM was also incredibly disrespectful.

Maybe he’s acting like a dope and being dumber than a dog because he’s socially awkward? What if he has anxiety about asking his friends or talking about things that are out of the norm?

Or what if he knows that this is how you talk about him and he’s not sure he wants to marry someone who thinks so little of him?

I’ve had my fair share of frustrations with my husband but I can’t imagine talking about him like that.

Post # 5
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

I feel sorry for the guy. I’m horrified you asked his groomsmen via loudspeaker, and you’re saying unkind things about him in the post, like how he stutters and looks like a dope.

Have a calm, pleasant conversation with him (and him alone! No loudspeakers! No meddling mothers!) and ask him if he wants a big wedding or would be happier with a small wedding. It’s entirely possible he had no idea what it takes to plan a wedding, and is overwhelmed by you shoving things down his throat. Or he doesn’t want a big wedding and doesn’t know how to tell you. Or he honestly just doesn’t care and you’ll just do all the planning. Why are you planning his bachelor party anyway? If he wants one, he can work that out with his guys. I’d keep your hands off that. 

Post # 6
Member
1985 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Question. 

What does “cotton on” mean? Are you saying he didn’t catch on? He wasn’t catching on? Because I googled this phrase and it took me to something about the cotton in jeans. 

 

Anyway, talk to your Fiance about him helping. 

Post # 7
Member
2185 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Sit down with him and say you are feeling a little overwhelmed by all the tasks the two of you have to get through in the next few months, and you think it makes sense to divide and conquer. Ask him which tasks he feels most comfortable taking primary responsibiliy for. Next, come up with deadlines for each task together and agree when and what kind of consultation you will seek from the other. For instance, by August 31st, you will come up with a few options for overall colors and design of the reception space and will consult with him about his preferences. Together, you will pick a design option by September 3. By September 1, he will have called the minister and booked the local church, etc. If, when you present him with maroon and gold or ivory and black, he shrugs his shoulders, take that as the freedom to pick what you like best. Have a quick check-in every week or every few days to see where you both are in your tasks and whether you need the other’s advice or help. That way, you aren’t always wondering what else you should be doing or obsessing about undone tasks all the time.

I know it helps me to have discrete tasks to focus on when there is so much to do. Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
2185 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“He might not be into the wedding planning and forcing him to ask his groomsmen RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM was also incredibly disrespectful.”

I do agree with this. Some things are up to him and you shouldn’t be micromanaging. What if he started calling bridal salons and making appointments for you to try on dresses? Let him be. And, honestly, your mom should stay out of it.

 

Post # 12
Member
2185 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“He replied he wants the big wedding and the reception.   Yet he is not contributing his ideas, and ,  I feel like I’m the one arranging, researching etc.   I’m at the end of my thether.”

I do sympathize. I think he needs to understand in concrete detail that a big wedding and reception requires work and that you will not be the only one taking that on.

Post # 13
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

Blunt rant ahead:
Personally I would sit down with him and get him to make a list of all the things he thinks a wedding should have – all the things he expects a wedding to have and wants for his own. Don’t put ideas in his head (i.e “should we have flowers?” etc) – just ask questions about the weddings he’s been to before, what he liked best about them, what they looked like, what he noticed, etc. Then make a list of all those things and rip it in half and make him do half and tell him that if he doesn’t do it it’s not going to get done because you’re not doing his jobs for him and you’re not going to micromanage him – you’re going to treat him like an adult who can complete his own tasks, you’re not his boss and you aren’t in charge of this project just because you’re the woman. If he needs reminders, he can program them into his phone now. If he needs to know how to do something, that’s what Google is for. You’re around to help offer opinions if he needs them (i.e “which suit looks best?”), but not to nag or micromanage or help complete the task or make sure it gets done. Then send all your family members on both sides the list along with who is responsible for what tasks. That way if he’s responsible for car hire/cake ordering/whatever and people show up on the wedding day and it’s not done, they know that’s on him! Anything not on that list, if you don’t want to do it, scrap it. Just don’t do things that aren’t your job. Get rid of the idea that you’re responsible for someone else’s emotions. So what if he doesn’t have a Bucks because he won’t organise it? How does that affect you? It doesn’t. If his friends are upset then they can organise it, that’s what’s meant to happen anyway, it has nothing to do with you. Women end up doing more work than men in these areas because we are conditioned to worry about others more. “If I don’t pick up his suit from the drycleaners he’ll have nothing to wear to our friends’ party and if I don’t go pick it up it won’t get done because I’ve been asking him to do it for weeks and he won’t do it!” Men can get us to think like this because they know we’ll eventually do it for them. No man has ever stressed about going to the drycleaners to pick up a party dress for their wife because if they don’t she’ll show up in jeans because she doesn’t know how to dress herself. Seriously, why do we let men do this to us? If they still need their mothers to do everything for them, then they’re children.

 Men like to act like they don’t know how to do wedding things, and yet men send emails, liase with clients, balance competing interests, handle sales, and dress and conduct themselves in accordance with policy every day at their jobs. If no women were around and you called a wedding a “company seminar followed by a staff mixer” instead, chairs would be organised, people would be fed, vendors would get paid and it would all be done to a professional standard that reflected the company well. This idea that if men are left alone they don’t know how to do anything except order pizza and watch television is bizarre and to be honest it’s just a ploy to make women do more work. I’m sick of reading stories from women who would have been happy eloping or having a super simple small wedding but their husband wanted the big traditional wedding and then the woman had to plan it. If they want it they can plan half of it! And all these men who are dragging their feet on planning – were they not the ones who proposed in the first place? And then they turn around and act like it’s all the woman’s idea. It’s bloody ridiculous.

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