fiance is not "into me" anymore. wants to work on saving our relationship

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
7802 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

How long have you been together? Is it possible he’s just coming out of the honeymoon phase and doesn’t know how to deal with an established relationship?

Post # 4
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

 

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beethree :  I don’t think it’s the honeymoon phase wearing off in that case. 

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engagedtobewed :  I would look into couples therapy. I think it would help. Maybe postpone the wedding while you guys work through this?

Post # 5
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like he’s saying he loves you, but he’s not in love with you. I “think” I want to marry you wouldn’t be good enough for me.

Post # 6
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

At 7 years there is typically a dip in relationship satisfaction. You can try to work things out on your own or you can see a therapist. You might want consider postponing the wedding while you try to work through things. 

Post # 7
Hostess
10354 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

Is there a possibility he may be depressed? Sometimes depression can cause people to lose interest in even their partners. The way you have described what he’s going through makes me think he might have something going on mentally that has nothing to do with you or your relationship directly. See if he might be open to talking to his doctor. Hugs.

Post # 8
Member
11153 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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engagedtobewed :  

This is one scenario in which counseling may be worth a try.  All of the elements of a loving relationship seem to be in place, but it sounds like the fireworks may have quieted down.  

From what you have written, it doesn’t sound as if there are major problems.

Give counseling a try.

Post # 9
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

In addition to the advice PP’s have given regarding counseling etc…

It’s possible the two of your are just in a rut. Do you still have date nights? One on one time together, but not just staying in at home? it can be really easy to fall into patterns to the point that what once felt like comfort can now feel like an unpleasant routine. No guarantees, obviously, and of course I don’t know your life, but maybe a few occasions where you two really spend time together, away from phones or the TV or whatever other distractions could help. Even a weekend away together. of course, the difficult thing is that he will know why this change is happening and he could get too in his head about his feelings.

Good luck, bee. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 10
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Based on my experience, it seems possible that your fiance is depressed. Has he ever expressed concerns about this? Would he be willing to see a doctor about it and seek therapy for it? He may recover faster with treatment rather than just riding it out.

My boyfriend of 11 years went through a bout of depression this past fall and acted very similarly to what you’ve described. He started saying “I love you” less and acting distant, and during one discussion about this he said he did love and care about me and always would, but he wasn’t sure about us and whether we were good for each other.  He said he was acting distant because he felt guilty about this.

He was also initiating sex much less frequently despite having no complaints about our sex life. He said he had no sex drive and didn’t know why.

This all lasted for a little over two months. We had a few discussions throughout, and I ended up putting more effort into the relationship to support him and take any stress from the relationship off of him. He has since recovered and is acting normally again. He now says that he wasn’t himself when he said he was unsure about us. He says he is looking forward to this year and thinks it will be a good one.

FWIW though, during one of the discussions about our lack of intimacy my boyfriend told me there was no other woman he wanted to be with besides me. I do believe that, but I also know he wasn’t totally honest about what was going on in his life during his depression. Right before his behavior dramatically changed, a female coworker moved away and left him a note telling him how much he meant to her. The two of them then started up an email exchange (something my boyfriend hasn’t done with anyone else), and I know my boyfriend was perusing her Facebook photos a few times per month and fantasizing about her. He has not shared any of this information with me himself; in fact, on one occasion when he was telling me about an email exchange with a “friend,” I asked him which friend this was (knowing it was her), and he lied.

I don’t want to suggest that your fiance is thinking about another woman as well; I just want to point out that even if the two of you are having seemingly open conversations about the situation, it is possible there is something he hasn’t shared with you because he is particularly embarassed about it or afraid of hurting you. This is another reason why therapy/counseling is worth considering; if this situation continues, it might help him address whatever mental block he may still be holding onto. 

Post # 11
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Possibilities:

1. Marriage is looming and he’s realizing the finality of it. He’s not sure if you’re the one, or he’s not sure if he’s in love with you anymore. Loving someone is one thing, marrying them is another. This is the hard one. Do things that brought you guys together. Be the person he fell in love with in the first place. 

2. There’s someone else. Beat her up. 

3. He’s depressed. Fix him up.

Post # 12
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Maybe check that there is nothing medically wrong (depression, dip in testosterone, etc.) and if everything is ok do the couples counseling. Hope everything gets better!

Post # 13
Member
566 posts
Busy bee

I think doubt is healthy and will give you lots to talk about and reconnect with each other. I would do it through couples therapy. Also, sometimes people just get bored with each other.. so maybe try a hobby that’s seperate from him to give you something new to talk about with him. Too much closeness can actually drive relationships apart. Relationship boredom is real and so are cravings for the new. 

Post # 14
Member
3353 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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engagedtobewed :  i think you should break off the engagement…but not because of HIM, because of YOU. he’s come to you and been vulnerable and shared something difficult. he has expressed his desire to work on things and committment to try to improve…and your response is “should i break things off”??? it sounds like you’re looking for an easy out, and if i were him i’d question YOUR committment to this relationship.

Post # 15
Member
7 posts
Newbee

View original reply
engagedtobewed :  My fiance started to act different, I finally conviced him he should see a doctor. I had to scare him with tales of low T, weight gain and cancer to get him to go. Turns out, he had dysthymia (a form of depression). It just got worse due to a change in his job duties. He still has rough patches, but he is more like the man I first met.

I would suggest y’all go to seperate therapists before the wedding, and have a couples therapy session, to see if it is what you both really want.

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