Post # 1
- Wedding: May 2016 - St. John\'s Lutheran Church
I’m hoping someone can shed some light on this for me. My fiance and I just moved (like yesterday) into a new apartment. The move was super stressful and there were many things I wanted to argue with him about. I’ve been trying to pick my battles, or else I’ll sound like the biggest control freak ever… but this one thing is making me crazy.
So his mom died a few years ago and there was still some of her stuff around his house. (She lived with him while her health was declining.) For the most part, he’s actually not an overly sentimental person, so most of it got thrown right in the garbage, no problem. But she had a huge green thumb, and he still has a bunch of her house plants around. I completely understand his attachment to them – she loved them and cared for them, and he feels like if hekeeps them alive, he is keeping her memory alive. But he insisted that we bring all of them over to the new house, and there are NINE of them. Like, huge plants in pots easily weighing 30-40 pounds each. They are full of spiders and are dropping dead leaves all over our brand new house, and they just take up so much space. He says they can’t survive outside and they need strategic placement so they’ll get enough sun, so now they’re blocking all the windows.
How do I tell him that at least 5 of these plants need to go? I mean… I need to just say it, right? I did say, “You know, these plants are kind of in the way. I’d like to get rid of a couple.” He is normally a super easygoing guy who compromises like a boss, and he just said, “No, I want them here.” He was completely unmovable. He didn’t ask me to get rid of anything I owned, so I don’t know that it’s fair that I ask him to get rid of his possessions, but I also don’t think it’s fair for him to take over the entire house with hideous plants. What do I do?
Post # 2
Poor guy, I understand that he wants to treasure things that are important to his mom, but at the same time it’s your guys’ shared living space. Maybe you can get crafty and create nice pot holders or something for them? Trim them down? Clean them every so often from dust/bugs? Do you have a patio? Maybe getting a nice screen or pull down shade for the patio will allow them to survive out there?
Post # 3
Omg I’m sorry I just had to say that I thought this was about your Fiance being overly attached to house PANTS and I was about to tell you to let the poor guy wear his comfy pants.
In relevant news, agree with the advice above.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2018 - City, State
Oh…this is a toughy!
I had a similar tiff with Fiance when we first moved in together. His beloved aunt who he barely ever sees got us a house warming plant. A HUGE potted plant in our teeny 600 SF apartment. It was a monstrosity and made our big beautiful kitchen window look horrible and it was shedding dead leaves on my clean floors and attracted bugs. Awful.
Anyhoo, I’m ridiculously afraid of bugs, like its really bad. So I just sat him down and said Fiance listen the plant is cool, but its gotta go. Its attracting bugs and is making me feel unsafe and uncomfortable and on edge in my own home. He got rid of it. Maybe you could attack it in that sort of context? Assuming it would be semi-believable that you are afraid of bugs.
OR…just tell him you understand the sentiment but the plants are ridiculous and offer suggestions for a different way to remember her. A nice picture? Or a beautiful, much smaller plant? (We have a little bamboo plant, its cute and doesn’t attract bugs or have dead leaves!)
Post # 5
marriedtopizza: These plants couldn’t have been a complete surprise to you. Did you not see them at his house before you moved to the new apartment together? You mentioned he didn’t ask you to get rid of anything. He may think some of your things are hideous.
You do have some choices. You can give them better care so they are healthier and more attractive. You could do that yourself or hire a service.
If they are really in the way and not just something that is not your taste, perhaps you could convince him to donate them to a nursing home in memory of his mother. There may be residenst who would take great joy in living plants.
Post # 6
Sorry, I think you’re the one being unfair. It’s his home too & these are special to him. 9 plants isn’t excessive, even large ones. Plants his mom cared for & cultivated. If he started making demands of things of yours that needed to go, things that you explained were special to you, you’d be posting in here saying how insensitive and controlling he is. Why is your desire to have the apartment the way you like it stronger than your desire to make your fiance happy on something that is truly not a big deal. If there are spiders and stuff on the plants, have him clean the plants off outdoors & then bring them indoors. Honestly, this shouldn’t even be an issue for you.
Post # 7
marriedtopizza: Honestly I would learn to live with them for now. You’ve both been through a big change (the move) and he does have an attachment to them because of his mother. Let it go for now. And I like the PP’s ideas, help make them fit in more with nice pots etc.
Post # 8
marriedtopizza: I think you have to let him keep the plants. At least for now. Perhaps you can clean them up, they shouldn’t be buggy, and if they’re cared for properly there shouldn’t be too many dead leaves.
Give it time, they’ll find a place in your new home that’s not in the way.
Post # 9
I was about to get my popcorn ready when I read this as “Fiance is overly attracted to house plants”. But anyway…do you think if you maybe found good homes for some of the plants with other family or friends, that he may be more comfortable giving up some of them? I think telling him you want to get “rid” of them will end poorly. Surely there are other family members who would appreciate the sentiment no?
Post # 10
Could he take a few to work? Maybe his office could use some decorating. Otherwise, I think you just need to accept them.
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Yeah, as a similar “plant lady”, I’d be pissed if my husband told me I had to get rid of any of my house plants – ESPECIALLY if they were a living remnant of my deceased parent. It sounds dumb if you don’t really relate, but you can get attached to plants just like you would a pet or something. They’re living things that you nuture and love, you know?
However, it sounds like he could do some better maintenance if there are problems with bugs and dead leaves. Look into homeopathic sprays (a little dishsoap mixed with water, etc) to address the bugs, and just trim them to get rid of the dead and dying leaves. That’s better for the plant anyway.
As for them being in the way, look into some hanging planters so you’d have them still in front of the windows but more out of the way.
Post # 12
- Wedding: May 2016 - St. John\'s Lutheran Church
RobbieAndJuliahaha: You’re probably right. Thank you for the reality check. I really need to learn to be more compromising myself. I do have about 1/10th the stuff that he has, but that’s because most of the furniture and stuff that we actually need came from his house, so I can’t really be like, “You have way more stuff than me!”
lolot: Yeah, the fact that he doesn’t actually take good care of the plants is the reason I was surprised he wanted to bring them. But you’re right – they are important to him, so I need to be respectful of that. Hanging planters is a friggin great idea!
Post # 13
marriedtopizza: I am like your hubs. If the plants stay alive it is like a part of them is alive.
Post # 14
I don’t have a reason like his to love my house plants, and I would be so upset if any of them died or if someone made me give them away. I cried when my cactus got sunburnt and now that it’s survived and is still growing I tell it that I am proud of it almost once a week. People are weird. I say suck it up and let him keep them.
Post # 15
Just be glad they aren’t puppies!