(Closed) Fiance is playing mind games… (sorry, long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@confusedbrain:  Okay I instantly stopped reading once he said he “wanted to hit you last night”. That is NOT okay. This to me isn’t some silly little thing, it sounds very serious and like you need professional help. I’m sorry to be so honest, but if this were me I would either tell him he’s going to counselling or leave him.

Once there’s a chance that you’re in danger then you need to be serious and figure this out.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds like he’s got you right where he wants you. You’re scared, and he gets what he wants.

Post # 4
2577 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Firstly, hugs.


Gosh, this is very tricky. It seems to me that he is behaving like a petulant child and throwing a tantrum. Re cooking and dishes, hubby and I have the same arrangement, and it is understood that as I must cook every night (as we need to eat, dammit) he must also do the dishes daily, as I need clean benches!

His coping mechanisms for confrontation seem a little skewed. I am very, very concerned re the shoving/ grabbing. This is NOT acceptable. Whilst you state he has not hit you- it is still physical violence.

He is opposed to counselling- so you have two choices. Leave, and open new opportunities or stay and accept that his behaviour is very, very unlikely to change.

I know what *I* would do, but in the end, you must make the decision as to where your boundaries lie.

Post # 5
2910 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I think you know he’s abusive on some level. (You know it on some level, and it’s abuse on some level, if that makes sense.)

He is “teaching” you by being manipulative. He throws a tantrum when asked to man up and do the dishes, it turns into a huge argument in which he leaves or threatens to leave, you learn you’d better not ask him to do perfectly reasonable things, he gets sex out of it. This is messed up and it sounds like you definitely realize it. I would advise you to take a step back and look at your relationship from an outsider’s perspective. Is it the kind of relationship – is this the kind of behavior – you would want for a friend? Do you recognize that without professional help/support from a counselor, this dynamic is not going to change? Unless you are happy to accept the big picture, all the BAD about your relationship and his behavior along with the good, as a permanent, marrying him is not a solid plan.

Would you consider going to a few sessions of counseling yourself? It might help you clear your head and lay everything on the table so you can see it in a more focused way. It might help you make a decision.

Post # 6
2815 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

He should never be shoving you or grabbing you, especially to the point of bruising.  This is not a healthy relationship any way you look at it.  He’s manipulating you and controlling you.

Post # 7
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Obviously no one here is going to convince you to leave if you don’t want to, but you have said a number of things that are concerning. 

First of all, “he doesn’t know his own strength”. He should never be using that against you. Shoving and grabbing are still physical abuse. He also sounds very emotionally and verbally abusive. Blaming you for turning him into his father? Only he can do that. 

You also mention abuse as a child for both of you. Have either of you received counseling for this? Why do you hardly see your friends or family since you moved in with him? Does he isolate you? You’re walking on eggshells trying not to upset him – that doesn’t sound like feeling safe to me. 

Ask yourself this: do you really love him and who he is, or are you afraid to be alone, especially now that you’re not close with others? Will you miss him or the life you’ve built/the life you’re imagining you’ll have once you marry? He won’t get better when you do – he’ll just threaten divorce instead. Leaving is hard. Staying, though emotionally exhausting, is the easy thing to do. You may not be ready to look honestly at him and your relationship yet. You’re still defending him, so I don’t think you are. But hopefully in the near future, you’ll be able to take a close look at how he treats you and realize that it’s NOT ok. 

I wish you all the best in sorting this out for yourself. If he won’t go to counseling with you, I think you should still go alone. 

Post # 8
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

He is NOT treating you with dignity and respect, so considering those facts, is this what you really want for yourself?  Is this what you think you need and deserve? To me, it sounds like a sick and twisted relationship where you’re both playing an unhealthy game. I’d never marry someone who treats me like this, nor would I let anyone use me like this no matter how long we’ve been together or how many things we share.

I’d get out now, especially considering he isn’t interested in fixing things and he keeps breaking up with you! There’s plenty of men in this world who wouldn’t dream of acting this way.

Post # 9
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I PMd you.

Post # 10
9674 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

The thing with unhealthy relationships is the behavior patterns become just that – a pattern.  You know what you’re both in for in your marriage.  Both of you need to realize this and decide if this is what you want for the long haul.

Since he won’t agree to counseling it sounds as though he’s not all that motivated to fix things.  In my opinion – not meaning to be harsh here – both of you are contributing equally to the misery of your relationship.

You nag him to clean up.  You refuse sex.

He breaks up with you to manipulate you into fearing he’ll leave you so you’ll break down and have sex.

This is a very, very unhealthy relationship.  It sounds as though the only sex and intimacy you two have is “make-up” sex. 

A healthy relationship takes:  Mutual respect.  Open communication.  Learning to accept the other person exactly as they are.  Giving more than your share, at times, if necessary.  Intimacy.

You don’t have any of this in your relationship. 

And you can’t change him.  So, you’ll need to work on changing yourself.  How about clean up the dishes yourself?  Obviously your “agreement” about the housework is only an agreement in your mind, not in his.  Live with it and don’t treat him like a child.  The dirty dishes don’t bother him, they bother you.  Stop worrying about tit-for-tat on such minor things, it only drives you apart from each other.  Love isn’t a game where you keep score.

Work on finding ways to increase your sex drive because sex is something important to almost every single man on the planet, not just your Fiance.  Refuse him enough times and guess what the prognosis for that is?  You have needs but so does he.  Maybe if you focus on doing your part more, he’ll reciprocate.  If not – well, as I said – you know what you’re in for, and more of the same (and worse) in your upcoming marriage.

Post # 11
1736 posts
Bumble bee

@louiseW:  This was my exact reaction.

This situation is not safe for you – mentally or physically. It’s scary, it’s confusing and overwhelming, but all signs are pointing to this escalating far beyond your control. My immediate advice is to see a therapist on your own to get to the bottom of what you are feeling…

Post # 12
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Leave him immediately and don’t look back.  You are being abused- mentally, verbally, and physically.  I know it must seem impossible to go but you deserve to be in a healthy relationship.  Once you leave, you can find someone who loves you for YOU, not for who he’s manipulating you to become.

Post # 13
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It sounds like you are stuck in a pattern. This is not good at all. I don’t think what he is doing is okay. I’ve been there and I remember begging and pleading and crying and doing all kinds of crazy things if he would just stay and it makes you feel like crap because you don’t feel like you. 

It’s important to be in a relationship that makes you feel secure with equal shares in the relationship. It’s also important for your own mental health to not be in a relationship in which you are constantly worried about the next drama if you say one thing he doesn’t agree with.

All in all, it’s just unhealthy. The fact that you are with someone that has a sex addiction when you yourself barely wants to have sex is one major incompatibility right there.

I really think that if couple’s counseling isn’t on the table, then you should get counseling yourself. I also think you should think seriously about your future with this man and I don’t think you should stay. 

I truly hope you do something about this because I know exactly how you feel right now, but I also know how amazing it feels the day you truly feel free from all of this. Good luck *hugs*

Post # 14
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

First let me say I usually keep my mouth shut about things like this because right now we are only hearing the negative part of your relationship.  I don’t know either of you personally and things come out different on the internet than what you mean..

I’m so sorry this is happening.

I have to agree that he is playing mind games with you.  I’m concerned about his saying he wanted to hit you becaue he was angry, I’m concerned that he leaves everytime there is an argument and I’m concerned about what happens when he comes back.

I’m afraid that one day he will leave and not come back.  As hard as it would be if he left now considering you live together and have pets together it will only get harder after you are married.

I’ve watched my mom go through a very, very sticky divorce.  One of the worst I have ever seen.  She was nearly financially ruined because my dad walked out the door and never came back.

When you get married and life gets tougher, there are way more opportunities for you both to disagree or get upset with each other.  If he is walking out over dishes then what is going to happen if you two have kids, or something happens to one of your finances, or whatever else…

I am so, so sorry you are going through this.  Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck!

Post # 15
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m afraid that one day he will leave and not come back.  As hard as it would be if he left now considering you live together and have pets together it will only get harder after you are married.

I think its more frightening when he leaves and DOES come back.  His behavior is unacceptable (shoves, pushing, bruises, put downs, manipulative sex, random bursts of anger) and I think OP needs to protect herself.

Post # 16
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@BooRadley:  I agree with that completely.. that just went with my point that life gets harder and these blowouts seem over nothing

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