(Closed) Fiance is playing mind games… (sorry, long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 137
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

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@Sunfire:  I get what you’re saying now, thank you for elaborating.  I agree 100% with your last post.  Thank you for explaining.

Post # 138
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

@Sunfire

You nailed it.  110% you nailed it.  I too was in an abusive marriage. I too stayed longer than I should have. In hindsight, I can see now how I enabled his abuse of me by allowing it to continue: by not walking out; by rolling over and compromising; by begging him not to leave me, the whole works.  And by allowing it to continue I mean:  I walked on eggshells and tried to become the upstanding sunshining out of my ass citizen “he” expected of me so that I wouldn’t “deserve” his (corrective) wrath.  

It was a classic case of: “if only I could “insert impossible task” perfectly, then he wouldn’t get so angry/discouraged/frustrated/annoyed, etc with me.”  THIS is how fucked up your thinking gets when you’re in the situation.  You truly can’t see the forest for the trees – day to day just becomes survival and avoidance of setting him off.  If things are going well enough (ie he isn’t belittling you or calling you a stupid fucking c*nt & a dumb bitch over & over for hours*), why knowling choose to upset the apple cart by bringing up issues which are bothering you?

@confusedbrain

The most important thing I learned about an abuser is this:  YOU CAN’T FIX HIM BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BELIEVE HE NEEDS TO BE FIXED BECAUSE HE TRULY DOESN’T BELIEVE THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIM.  So there is nothing you can do to improve yourself enough to fix it: because it’s an impossible task .  You would be more successful trying to count all the grains of sand in the Sahara desert.  I’m glad you’re seeing that he’s not owning any responsibilty of your current problems on his part.  Look up gaslighting; it’s a technique in the manipulation handbook to make you doubt the validity of your own perceptions & feelings. If doesn’t take ownership of his contributions to your relationship issues; he’s a lost cause and you should cut bait & leave.  And please please please, don’t doubt yourself, or what you see, or what you feel. Listen to yourself and love yourself enough to stand up to him and ensure your needs are heard and met.

*actual sample quote of things he yelled at me on a never-ending loop until he passed out. and these are the ones i can print.

Post # 139
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@hammerpants:   &    
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@Zanne54:    Thank you both so much! 

It was the hardest thing I ever had to admit to myself – “I am a battered wife.”  Even typing those words right now makes me feel sick.  Me!  Of all people!  I’m a strong woman and I couldn’t believe it happened to ME!!  It can happen to anyone.  It truly is a complete mindfuck.  But then you get sane again.  It is hard work, but it will save your soul.

Post # 140
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@confusedbrain:  How did your talk with your Fiance go? I see that you talked with your small group leader, but I don’t see anywhere about your discussion with your FI?

Post # 141
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2023

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@MrsBroccoli:  It didn’t go as well as I would have liked. But I had another quick chat with him this evening. I’ve can see this pattern now though – and I’ve recognised that this is the honeymoon phase that will most likely finish at some point with a blazing row. 

Fiance has got therapy in the past, which is why he feels he can manage his anger enough to not actually cause physical harm to anyone/thing, but he just doesn’t want to go back to it. He has a weird thing against any kind of outside involvement – he’s private in that way, and he hates the idea of a relationship not being able to be sorted by the people in it.

He can’t see the cycle, so he doesn’t believe it will happen again. He said today and yesterday have been great because we’re fine now, and he has promised that if it happens again he will do whatever (and, more importantly, SEE whoever) I ask. He genuinely can’t see that it’s a cycle that we’re in. Perhaps if it does happen again he’ll realise it too, and take the steps I think we need to take. He just wants to try it this way first. It’s the first time though, that he’s realised that there is a problem there (though he doesn’t quite understand what it is). Which is a positive step.

He just wants us to try to resolve it as a couple first. 

He’s asked me to help more when he gets in late, I’ve told him to stop expecting me to be a mind reader and TALK to me when he wants me to do something, rather than expecting me to guess.

He’s also agreed that I can talk to the small group leader as much as I want about it, and he will support me and *occasionally* come with me to Relate (which is the relationship/sex therapy service we have over here), which is a small step, but a good step.

I’ve made a point though that I will not ask him back if he walks off. It’s not happening. I don’t know if he’s going to test it at some point, but if he does then he’ll get a different response to the one he’s used to.

He’s said he wont walk out again – he’ll go for a walk to calm down etc, but he won’t threaten to leave for good – but that remains to be seen.

 

I know everyone is just waiting and hoping that I’ll say ‘I’m leaving him’, but I’m not there yet. On the other hand I am at the stage where I will call it a day if he leaves again, and he’ll have to actually do the therapy etc if he wants to come back. I have someone who is with me physically, and I know if it ends up the same way I can come here and get more support with staying strong and not going down the ‘begging for him back’ route.

Post # 142
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2023

Ack, bollocks :/ stupid laptop keeps logging me out of the new name and in as this name automatically. Ah well, guess I’ve unanonymised myself…

Post # 143
Member
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@BooRadley:  THIS.

Get. Out. Now.

Post # 144
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Nellop:    ((HUGS))  Glad you’re doing a little better.

Please stay safe.  We are here if you need us, but IRL you need to keep yourself physically and emotionally safe.  You can’t fix him, you can only work on healing yourself.  I really wish you all the best.

One thing about leaving is it takes steps.  You will get to where you need to be, eventually.  You have your eyes open now.  Educate yourself.  You don’t have to leave right this minute.  Take your time and think things through, one moment at a time.  You sound tired.  My heart really goes out to you.  Honestly, the very first step I ever took towards getting away from my abuser was the same one you took – I posted anonymously on a board for abused women.  They literally helped save my life by pointing me in the right direction.  I had support from them and I’ll love them until the day I die.  Even though it was all online, I received a lot of healing words that helped me onto the right track.

Just take it one step at a time.  And stay safe.

Post # 145
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@Nellop:  While I understand the comfort a poster can feel by being anonymous, it actually make me more comfortable knowing who you are.  🙂  So hi.  *hug*

That sounds like a fantastic start.  I have nothing but kudos for your talk with him and being firm about things.  When he says ‘private’ is it possible that he just doesn’t recieve negative feedback well so this is a way for him to avoid it altogether?  Feedback is hard on everyone, especially when you feel like you’re getting ganged up on (therapist/partner/family & friends).  Sounds like he could use a therapist that actually believes in him, know what I mean?

Find a way to keep dated notes of your interractions.  It will really help if/when he gets into denial about the patterns. 

And I cosign everything Sunfire says.  xo

Post # 146
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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@Nellop:  I pmed you in your other name

Post # 147
Member
3216 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

On the other hand I am at the stage where I will call it a day if he leaves again, and he’ll have to actually do the therapy etc if he wants to come back.

I worry he will always do “just enough” to keep you.  He’ll leave you and then he’ll say “no I’ll go to therapy” and then he’ll put off making the appointment and then next time he’ll make the appointment but then back out, or go to therapy but not apply the lessons, etc etc. 

I couldn’t stay with someone who disrespected me and yelled at me like that.  That isn’t love.  I’d tell him I was leaving (or would leave in a certain amount of time) and if he loved me as much as he said he did, he would treat me right and get himself the help he needed so he could have me.  You’re the prize, you’re the good one in this relationship.  He should be earning you, not the other way around. 

Post # 148
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Nellop Hugs!!!! 

I know how difficult it is to face everything that you are going through, but you DO 100% deserve MUCH better treatment and a MUCH better future and you can 100% find it somewhere else with someone else.

I am glad that you are finally realizing that there are things VERY wrong with your relationship, even though you may feel like you want to try making it work before giving up and you may feel like you can’t go on without him, you can and you should!  I’m glad you have found support in your church, please keep in touch with those people you will need that support going forward.  I also hope you are able to get the kind of counselling that you need to work on bettering yourself and dealing with your own issues (No judgement, we ALL have issues!).  You need to really really really take some time to care of YOU.

Bottom line is that you deserve better and that you CAN get it!  You say you are active in your church so I encourage you to pray for wisdom and direction for your life and I hope you find the strength to leave him! I really don’t see your Fiance being the BEST person for you out of everyone there is in the world, you can definitely do better and be happier.  I know it’s not as easy as we all think for you to just end it. I get that, but I think you should want more for yourself and I think you should try. So, please be careful, but remember this is your one and only life! You only get one! So take care of yourself and make the best decisions for you.  I really hope everything works out for your best in the future.

Hugs!!! And good luck!

Post # 149
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@Nellop:  I’m glad you two were able to sit down and have a real talk about this and I’m glad that you see now this pattern.  I hope and pray that you don’t have to go through this anymore and that he will seek out the help he needs.  He has a wonderful person who obviously loves him and wants to help him.  Just remember to take care of yourself.  Hugs!

Post # 150
Member
11303 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You are now at the stage at which you believe you can “manage” his abusiveness.  You can’t.

 

Please spend some time on message boards for women who are being abused and with some good books.  Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft is a good one.  Patricia Evans has a useful volume on verbal abuse.

Knowledge is power for you.

Post # 151
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

When you go through abuse as a child or see abuse as a child you tend to think situations like this are “normal”. They are NOT NORMAL.

DO NOT marry this guy.

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