(Closed) Fiance is playing mind games… (sorry, long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 122
Member
1889 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I didn’t read all the previous comments, but I just want to tell you to be strong and PLEASE get out of this relationship.  It is NEVER EVER EVER ok for a man to shove you or give you bruises–this is physical abuse.  It’s also not ok for someone who says he loves you to storm out and break up with you all the time.  I wish you all the best and know that there are millions (if not billions!) of good men out there who won’t abuse you.

Post # 124
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

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@Sunfire:  I don’t understand why you think she’s treating him SO bad.  Is she threatening to beat him?  Is she threatening to hit their future children?  Is she telling him she wants to hit the cat?  Is she blaming him for all of her problems?  What is she doing that’s so horrible?  Asking him to do the dishes when HE’S the one who suggested that division of labor?  Not jumping his bones every other night when she has issues with sex? 

Seriously, what is she doing that’s so horrible? 

OP: leave.  He says he’s tempted to hit the cats.  Defensless animals.  That’s how sociopaths start out.  I don’t want to be an alarmist but damn.  How many red flags do you need before you leave?  All your reasons for not doing so are logistical.  That should tell you everything you need to know.

Post # 125
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@confusedbrain:  I think that sounds like a fine plan for now.  I’m glad you went and spoke with someone.  Remember, if he doesn’t go…that’s an issue. 

Good night!

Post # 126
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@confusedbrain: I’m glad you found someone to talk to who is concerned and willing to help. 🙂
Just do us all a favor, and keep your wits about you, okay? I understand not being ready to leave and wanting to work things out. Just do it safely, and if things start going south again, get to your leader and get out.

My last thoughts…
The problem in a relationship is never one person. “I noticed that in the conversation, it was all things that *I* needed to change. I’ve never picked up on that before.” That’s bull, and I’m glad that you realized it too. You are only half of the relationship, and he’s not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. (no one is.)

“He’s calm now, though I feel on edge. Usually at this point I’m back and settled already, and enjoying the happy period. But now I feel worried and I’m looking out for it all happening again.” I’m sorry that you’re on edge, I hate that feeling. However, I also know that when I was finally on edge, nothing got past me. I was alert to anything and everything, and it finally pushed me into reality.

Good luck, dear. I wish you nothing but the best. You truly are cared for, even if we don’t personally know each other. You’ll be in my prayers, and feel free to message me if you ever need someone to talk to. ((hugs))

Post # 127
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

@confusedbrain:  “ He also said that I was turning him into his dad (who used to hit him and his siblings/mother) and that if we have children he’ll end up picking on the weak because that’s how I make him feel. He also said that he wanted to hit me last night. But he won’t accept that he might have a problem, and get help – because it’s my fault for winding him up. “

That’s some bullshit. Abusers often blame their victims for “making” them abuse them. He is refusing to take responsibility for his own actions, which opens the door for him doing a lot of terrible things in the future and blaming YOU for his actions. It is NOT your fault for “winding him up.” It is HIS fault for reacting like a crazy, abusive person to something totally normal. (I get sensitive when BF nags me about pulling my weight in the housework department, and I’m telling you: his reaction is totally out of line.)

I am so sorry you’re going through this. You sound like a caring, loving person who knows how to make a relationship work. He doesn’t deserve you, and I personally think you should get out of this relationship ASAP. I’m not sure if counseling would help him, but the fact that he refuses counseling means that he won’t change.

Post # 128
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

Also, OP – while going to your small group leader is a start, I would find some mental health/counseling professionals who DON’T know you personally as well.

Here is a page that talks about recognizing signs of emotional abuse. The “cycle of violence” diagram reminds me of how you say your Fiance keeps playing this game where he gets mad, leaves, and comes back. I hope you’ll check it out and think about what it says. http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

Post # 129
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@confusedbrain:  This may be bad advice…but it’s the only thing that helped me when my ex left me for someone else 3 years ago. One of my friends handed me the book “Why Men Love Bitches” and also “Why Men Marry Bitches” by Sherry Argov (recommended to her by her therapist) and it made me take a SERIOUS look at how I was handling myself in my relationships. I am not big at all on self-help books…but these are FUNNY and very eye opening! Like others are saying…it sounds like he has you right where he wants you. Don’t let it be that way…read the books and pass them on!! 

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560

Post # 130
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Please get out before you have kids with this man. You can decide whether or not to stay, but they won’t be able to. You are worthy of more. I’m so sorry hon.

Post # 131
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

fiance says:

a- if this is how he treats you run far far away

b- if he wont clean… dont cook

c- this is abusive and he says that as a man he hates to see women hurt like this…  ( I say that though on the bee this seems abusive it may not be the case)

d- if he grabbed you and it leaves bruises and he says he wants to hit you he eventually will

e- if you really think that this isnt abusive then he say you may be coming off as a nag 

 

I am not sure his advice would help but i thought a guys perspective may give some insight

Post # 132
Member
2153 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Wow, this post is all kinds of messed up. I didn’t read the other responses, but hon, you are in an emotionally abusive, manipulative and physically abusive relationship…I’m sure others have said this too.

I know you don’t want to be without him and your lost right now…and don’t feel strong enough to leave even if you wanted to…but I think the best thing you can do for yourself is seek counceling for yourself right now, go regularly. 

Post # 133
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I have not  read all PP but you need to consider what 10 or 20 or 30 years with this man means for you…do you want to blame  yourself for all of your relationship issues, or find someone who can love you without all of these problems and hardships that you take upon yourself? Many other women have posted how difficult it can be to leave relationships, but it is not impossible! Do what is best for you, not you and your partner, if you are not happy.

Post # 134
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2023

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Post # 135
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@hammerpants:   Ok, I slept on it, and now seeing her NEW update I have a slightly different perspective today. 

Mainly what I was trying to point out to her (and maybe should have put it in a PM instead of on the thread) is this:  She is clearly stating her issues with him, that are SEVERE, in my book, but in the next breath making excuses for him and saying she “can’t imagine in her wildest dreams ever being able to even survive without him.”  Ok.  I know how she feels, I was previously married to an abusive man. 

I was so frustrated that she seems to not be acknowledging that even victims of abuse (which she is) have the power to get off the crazy rollercoaster.  This guy is telling her, over and over, who and what he is, and has been for years.  He hasn’t threatened her life (yet).  He tries to leave her!!  She begs him back.  That is insane.  She needs to stop engaging with his insanity.

I understand insanity, but the day my abuser finally was out of my life the last thing I would have ever thought of doing would have been to beg him back. 

My point is BOTH of them are extremely unhealthy.  YES, he is MORE abusive than she is, from her description.  A man should never put his hands on a woman in anger.  But she is playing his Crazy Game in Crazy Town.  She keeps pulling him back into it.  I was abused, yes.  But I did not feed into it once I got a clue.  I hung onto a tiny shred of dignity and sanity and it gave me the strength to break free.  I want the OP to open her eyes to her part in all of this.  I opened mine, finally.  But along the way I lost friends, because they were so frustrated by my trying to “fix” a broken person, and not owning my own part in the craziness, instead of just walking away, as I should have done. 

It is too easy to always say, “He is an abuser, just leave him.”  In this case this is not the advice she wants to hear.  She wants to fix things with him.  He refuses counseling.  She refuses to see the hopelessness. 

But if one person in an abusive relationship can stop pointing the finger at the other person and own their own SHIT in it, it will have positive lasting repercussions, believe me.  And then she can look at herself and finally see, for herself, that she does not deserve a life without love.  She does not deserve to be threatened or hit.  The problem OP is having right now is she feels as though she DOES deserve this horrible treatment from him.  She needs to focus on herself and not on him.  If she can make herself guiltless in her own eyes by being a loving, kind and respectful human being to him, then and only then, will she be able to finally see that he is NOT WORTH IT.  He isn’t worth her continual suffering. 

As long as she plays the game with him she’ll never see that she doesn’t deserve it.

I understand where she is and my heart goes out to her.  Reading her latest updates scares me.  She is in the “honeymoon” stage of the Cycle of Abuse.  She pulled him back in, rather than him pulling her, which leads me to believe she has just as severe emotional issues as he does.  It only makes logical sense.  

However, there also is a stage in the Cycle of Abuse that is this:  

The victim will feel the build-up of tension in the abuser.  She knows it is bound to happen again sometime soon and he’s going to explode, again.  So, she purposely provokes him just to get it the hell over with.  It’s actually a relief (the “just go ahead and hit me and get it over with”) stage.  I have been there!!  You know it’s coming.  It is a feeling of tension and it’s almost unbearable.  So, you play your “role” as “victim” and practically scream at the guy to just hit you so you can go on with your life and get back to the “happy honeymoon” stage.  Sounds sick, huh?

That is because it is sick.

And only she can stop it. 

The next time he walks away, she needs to let him stay gone.  But she’ll never have the strength to do that unless she wakes up.  My harsh words are trying to get through that SHE CAN change her own life.  But she has to change herself, first.  A victim is a victim, sometimes, because they choose to keep jumping back into the pool of sharks.  Just stay out of the damn pool.

Post # 136
Member
1329 posts
Bumble bee

Something I thought the poster should read:

 

We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.

1. Jealousy & Possessiveness – Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
2. Control – He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.
3. Superiority – He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.
4. Manipulates – Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable.
5. Mood Swings – His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.
6. Actions don’t match words – He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.
7. Punishes you – An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.
8. Unwilling to seek help – An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.
9. Disrespects women – Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.
10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself – Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.

If you continue to stay in an abusive relationship because you think he will change and start treating you well, think again. An abusive man does not change without long-term therapy. Group counseling sessions are particularly helpful in helping abusive men recognize their abusive patterns.

Type A personality types seem to be more prone to abusive behavior due to their aggressive nature. Drugs and alcohol can create or further escalate an abusive relationship. Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous are excellent programs for an addict. The abuser’s partner should also seek help for their codependent behavior at Codependents Anonymous. If the abusive man is not willing to seek help, then you must take action by protecting yourself and any children involved by leaving. By staying in an abusive relationship you are condoning it. If you are scared you won’t be able to survive because of finances, pick up the phone book and start calling shelters. Try calling family, friends and associates and ask them if they can help or know of ways to help.

Once you leave, the abuser may cry and beg for forgiveness but don’t go back until you have spoken to his counselor and he has completed long-term therapy successfully. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave because the abuser has lost control. The Bureau of Justice Statistics states that on the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day so please be careful. If you partner is not willing to seek help for his abusive behavior, your only option is to leave.

Written by Abuse Expert, Stephany Alexander, B.A., Author, Women’s Speaker
Credentials:  Stephany Alexander is the founder of http://www.WomanSavers.com, one of the most popular women’s sites on the net (top 5%) receiving millions of hits per month.

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