Ok, I slept on it, and now seeing her NEW update I have a slightly different perspective today.
Mainly what I was trying to point out to her (and maybe should have put it in a PM instead of on the thread) is this: She is clearly stating her issues with him, that are SEVERE, in my book, but in the next breath making excuses for him and saying she “can’t imagine in her wildest dreams ever being able to even survive without him.” Ok. I know how she feels, I was previously married to an abusive man.
I was so frustrated that she seems to not be acknowledging that even victims of abuse (which she is) have the power to get off the crazy rollercoaster. This guy is telling her, over and over, who and what he is, and has been for years. He hasn’t threatened her life (yet). He tries to leave her!! She begs him back. That is insane. She needs to stop engaging with his insanity.
I understand insanity, but the day my abuser finally was out of my life the last thing I would have ever thought of doing would have been to beg him back.
My point is BOTH of them are extremely unhealthy. YES, he is MORE abusive than she is, from her description. A man should never put his hands on a woman in anger. But she is playing his Crazy Game in Crazy Town. She keeps pulling him back into it. I was abused, yes. But I did not feed into it once I got a clue. I hung onto a tiny shred of dignity and sanity and it gave me the strength to break free. I want the OP to open her eyes to her part in all of this. I opened mine, finally. But along the way I lost friends, because they were so frustrated by my trying to “fix” a broken person, and not owning my own part in the craziness, instead of just walking away, as I should have done.
It is too easy to always say, “He is an abuser, just leave him.” In this case this is not the advice she wants to hear. She wants to fix things with him. He refuses counseling. She refuses to see the hopelessness.
But if one person in an abusive relationship can stop pointing the finger at the other person and own their own SHIT in it, it will have positive lasting repercussions, believe me. And then she can look at herself and finally see, for herself, that she does not deserve a life without love. She does not deserve to be threatened or hit. The problem OP is having right now is she feels as though she DOES deserve this horrible treatment from him. She needs to focus on herself and not on him. If she can make herself guiltless in her own eyes by being a loving, kind and respectful human being to him, then and only then, will she be able to finally see that he is NOT WORTH IT. He isn’t worth her continual suffering.
As long as she plays the game with him she’ll never see that she doesn’t deserve it.
I understand where she is and my heart goes out to her. Reading her latest updates scares me. She is in the “honeymoon” stage of the Cycle of Abuse. She pulled him back in, rather than him pulling her, which leads me to believe she has just as severe emotional issues as he does. It only makes logical sense.
However, there also is a stage in the Cycle of Abuse that is this:
The victim will feel the build-up of tension in the abuser. She knows it is bound to happen again sometime soon and he’s going to explode, again. So, she purposely provokes him just to get it the hell over with. It’s actually a relief (the “just go ahead and hit me and get it over with”) stage. I have been there!! You know it’s coming. It is a feeling of tension and it’s almost unbearable. So, you play your “role” as “victim” and practically scream at the guy to just hit you so you can go on with your life and get back to the “happy honeymoon” stage. Sounds sick, huh?
That is because it is sick.
And only she can stop it.
The next time he walks away, she needs to let him stay gone. But she’ll never have the strength to do that unless she wakes up. My harsh words are trying to get through that SHE CAN change her own life. But she has to change herself, first. A victim is a victim, sometimes, because they choose to keep jumping back into the pool of sharks. Just stay out of the damn pool.