Post # 1
I have been with my fiance for well over 3 years now and 3 weeks we were talking about stuff and he says, Mr and Mrs [ His last name] sounds pretty good right.
I was quite taken aback by that and said that you know I’m not going to change my name , right? I know , I have heard that before but I didn’t know you were serious about it.
We went back and forth about it , until he said you’re being ridiculous you’re not going to lose anything by changing your name. He said, I don’t consider my self old-fashioned but I would like you to take my last name.
I said, you’re being childish why don’t we look up a list of venues and he scoffed at me and said wedding can wait we have serious issues to talk about first. I was surprsied by that and said what do you mean and says I meant I know you’ve all about keeping your last name but I was under the impression that you’d change your mind once we get to this stage , I’m not gonna put up with this.
I siad you need to be gentle with your expectation, what would you say If I told you to take my name? He said, well that’s not going to happen is it?
Now ,it’s been well over 20 days and he is still refusing to back down on it and refusing to talk about wedding planning until we have “sort” this thing out.
I felt so embarraseed telling my mother that we will talk about in later.
I have no idea what to do. I asked him a couple of days ago, so what do you think? It’s up to you, isn’t it? He said.
In all honesty I have no idea how to get through this.
Post # 2
He’s being ridiculous. If he doesn’t want to marry you if you don’t change your name, then you clearly shouldn’t be marrying him. He needs to grow up.
Post # 3
He sounds stubborn. Is everythingn else good in your relationship? Would you think of double barrell surname?
Post # 4
He sounds super patronizing.
Post # 5
OP, that is patently absurd. How old is he? Is he religious? He doesn’t “consider” himself traditional, but he’s evidently not examined his beliefs rationally or objectively if he maintains this position.
Marriage is not about names, for god’s sake.
Now, it sounds to me that you changing your name REPRESENTS something BIGGER to him. This symbolizes something about marriage to him: It may be that marriage, to him, is less about the union of two people into an equal partnership and more about, well, a wife belonging to a man. The changing of the name LITERALLY occurred because it LITERALLY used to mean that the female–who was once the possession of her father and thus had her father’s name–was now legally owned by another man, so she took his name.
Regardless of what anyone would like to believe, that kind of perspective and cultural debris is still existent in our culture, right here and right now. My guess is that he–even without knowing it–maintains this general perspective in some form. If not, why would he care? Really, ask yourself: Why would he care if not? He certainly doesn’t strike me as a person particularly well-versed in the critical examination of his own belief system (i.e. he’s not introspective).
So you’ll have to put up with some bullshit if you can’t get him to ASK HIMSELF (don’t TELL him how he’s feeling, because that doesn’t teach anyone) what he really believes. Use the Socratic Method: Ask him the right questions to get him to, on his own, draw out his own irrational beliefs.
And, yes, he is being irrational–and despicable to boot. If you can’t get him to stop being an ignorant ass, then, listen, you need to reconsider marrying this person. Not easy. Not at ALL easy. But this kind of thing doesn’t just change.
Post # 6
al09 : Yes, everything is going perfectly well. He gets along very well with my family. I was a bit mad when he asked my dad for his blessing, but my dad said he was very happy that he was so considerate, it meant a lot to him.
But, other than that it’s been great.
Post # 7
Yes he is being unreasonable. But maybe he just think this as very important/ he doesn’t feel married without you taking his name?
Anyway is there any particular issue wy you don’t want to take his name? For me (and me only) this is not a big deal, so I’ve done it =))
Post # 8
This is so childish and petty of him. He needs to move on and break away from tradition. It’s 2017.
Post # 9
Newgirl87 : I agree , I have said to him that he is acting like a petulant child over this little thing but he is very adamant about it . I don’t think he would feel less married. I can think of all sorts of reason why I don’t want to change it, but the thing I just don’t want to be pressured into it.
Post # 10
So anytime he doesn’t get his way, he sulks, throws a tantrum and refuses to do anything until he gets his own way? Then he says he’s not putting up with it?!?!
Dont change your name just because he’s throwing a temper tantrum. This is your name, your choice. You can respect his views, my husband wanted me to take his name to but it was my choice and he stood by my choice.
He is right about postponing wedding planning. More for you though. I’d want to work on his issues that it all apparently needs to be his way or no way before entering a marriage with him.
When DH wanted me to take my name, I asked him to consider if he changed his name. I made it clear that I wasn’t asking him to change his name but to think about if he did. To think about losing the name he’s had all his life, introducing himself as someone new, having everyone at work ask his new name. He would still have preferred I take his name after all that but he knows why I didn’t and respects my choice.
Post # 11
secondtime7 : I think he comes off totally wrong, but I think what he means is “it would mean a lot to me if you took my last name.” Maybe I’m just traditional, but I’d like my whole family (meaning when we have kids too) to all have the same last name. Can’t stand over-the-top feminists who refuse this. Not saying you are, just saying. I’d like to know reasons other than, “I’m a WOMAN and I can make my own decisions! I am woman, hear me roar!!” Barf. I had a friend who forced her husband to take her last name. . It’s just WEIRD. Who does that? No one I’d ever be friends with.
Post # 12
secondtime7 : also, you’d rather have “serious issues” with the man you love over a last name?! It’s just something that means a lot to him… If you’d rather be stubborn over a last name than happiness and keeping your relationship, then….. Good luck? Lol not that serious. There are worse battles in the world. Give me break. Marriage is literally about compromising and understanding.
Post # 13
loz24 : Like any couple we do have our difference of opinions of things but we usually settle it. It’s not a tantrum or anything like that, it’s just he says it’s important to him that we share a same family name.
Like you, I’ve mentioned to him to just think about taking my name and start ove with a new identity, but that’s a preposterous idea to him.
I’m seriously on my wits end on this and a little bit unwanted resentment in really starting to get in my thoughts.
Post # 14
secondtime7 : I know I’m not the majority, but I think you’re the problem. If you refuse to take his last name, he’s gonna give up on this since it’s a big deal to him, find the next woman who will GLADLY take his last name, and happily ever after for him.
its absolutely ridiculous and will make him feel like less of a man to take YOUR last name. You are an idiot. Lol. We’ll see posts of you being single and sad soon if you keep this up.
Post # 15
jessrohde08 : He isn’t compromising and understanding. Why are you only leveling a criticism at the OP’s alleged lack of understanding?
A name is perhaps more serious to people than you can imagine, and it has nothing to do with feminism. You know one of the reasons that you care so much about your whole family having the same last name? Because you recognize the significance of naming. And yet here you stand, telling the OP to, in so many words, “get over it.”
If it wasn’t a big deal, then why do you care SO MUCH about men taking women’s names that you LITERALLY wouldn’t want to be friends with that woman? And why care so much that your whole family shares a last name? It shouldn’t make a difference then, right? As YOU said, it’s not a big deal.
But obviously you believe that names ARE important–so why shouldn’t the OP’s name be important to her? Or are only men’s names important to you?
Try to maintain consistency in your beliefs. This requires rational examination of them.