Fiance is postponing wedding planning.

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

He’s being ridiculous. If he doesn’t want to marry you if you don’t change your name, then you clearly shouldn’t be marrying him. He needs to grow up. 

Post # 3
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

He sounds stubborn. Is everythingn else good in your relationship? Would you think of double barrell surname?

 

Post # 4
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee

He sounds super patronizing.

Post # 5
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

OP, that is patently absurd. How old is he? Is he religious? He doesn’t “consider” himself traditional, but he’s evidently not examined his beliefs rationally or objectively if he maintains this position. 

Marriage is not about names, for god’s sake.

Now, it sounds to me that you changing your name REPRESENTS something BIGGER to him. This symbolizes something about marriage to him: It may be that marriage, to him, is less about the union of two people into an equal partnership and more about, well, a wife belonging to a man. The changing of the name LITERALLY occurred because it LITERALLY used to mean that the female–who was once the possession of her father and thus had her father’s name–was now legally owned by another man, so she took his name.

Regardless of what anyone would like to believe, that kind of perspective and cultural debris is still existent in our culture, right here and right now. My guess is that he–even without knowing it–maintains this general perspective in some form. If not, why would he care? Really, ask yourself: Why would he care if not? He certainly doesn’t strike me as a person particularly well-versed in the critical examination of his own belief system (i.e. he’s not introspective). 

So you’ll have to put up with some bullshit if you can’t get him to ASK HIMSELF (don’t TELL him how he’s feeling, because that doesn’t teach anyone) what he really believes. Use the Socratic Method: Ask him the right questions to get him to, on his own, draw out his own irrational beliefs. 

And, yes, he is being irrational–and despicable to boot. If you can’t get him to stop being an ignorant ass, then, listen, you need to reconsider marrying this person. Not easy. Not at ALL easy. But this kind of thing doesn’t just change. 

 

Post # 7
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Yes he is being unreasonable. But maybe he just think this as very important/ he doesn’t feel married without you taking his name?

Anyway is there any particular issue wy you don’t want to take his name? For me (and me only) this is not a big deal, so I’ve done it =))

Post # 8
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

This is so childish and petty of him. He needs to move on and break away from tradition. It’s 2017.

Post # 10
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

So anytime he doesn’t get his way, he sulks, throws a tantrum and refuses to do anything until he gets his own way? Then he says he’s not putting up with it?!?! 

Dont change your name just because he’s throwing a temper tantrum. This is your name, your choice. You can respect his views, my husband wanted me to take his name to but it was my choice and he stood by my choice.

He is right about postponing wedding planning. More for you though. I’d want to work on his issues that it all apparently needs to be his way or no way before entering a marriage with him.

When DH wanted me to take my name, I asked him to consider if he changed his name. I made it clear that I wasn’t asking him to change his name but to think about if he did. To think about losing the name he’s had all his life, introducing himself as someone new, having everyone at work ask his new name. He would still have preferred I take his name after all that but he knows why I didn’t and respects my choice.

Post # 11
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

secondtime7 :  I think he comes off totally wrong, but I think what he means is “it would mean a lot to me if you took my last name.” Maybe I’m just traditional, but I’d like my whole family (meaning when we have kids too) to all have the same last name. Can’t stand over-the-top feminists who refuse this. Not saying you are, just saying. I’d like to know reasons other than, “I’m a WOMAN and I can make my own decisions! I am woman, hear me roar!!” Barf. I had a friend who forced her husband to take her last name. . It’s just WEIRD. Who does that? No one I’d ever be friends with.

Post # 12
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

secondtime7 :  also, you’d rather have “serious issues” with the man you love over a last name?! It’s just something that means a lot to him… If you’d rather be stubborn over a last name than happiness and keeping your relationship, then….. Good luck? Lol not that serious. There are worse battles in the world. Give me break. Marriage is literally about compromising and understanding.

Post # 14
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

secondtime7 :  I know I’m not the majority, but I think you’re the problem. If you refuse to take his last name, he’s gonna give up on this since it’s a big deal to him, find the next woman who will GLADLY take his last name, and happily ever after for him.

 

its absolutely ridiculous and will make him feel like less of a man to take YOUR last name. You are an idiot. Lol. We’ll see posts of you being single and sad soon if you keep this up.

Post # 15
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

jessrohde08 :  He isn’t compromising and understanding. Why are you only leveling a criticism at the OP’s alleged lack of understanding?

A name is perhaps more serious to people than you can imagine, and it has nothing to do with feminism. You know one of the reasons that you care so much about your whole family having the same last name? Because you recognize the significance of naming. And yet here you stand, telling the OP to, in so many words, “get over it.” 

If it wasn’t a big deal, then why do you care SO MUCH about men taking women’s names that you LITERALLY wouldn’t want to be friends with that woman? And why care so much that your whole family shares a last name? It shouldn’t make a difference then, right? As YOU said, it’s not a big deal.

But obviously you believe that names ARE important–so why shouldn’t the OP’s name be important to her? Or  are only men’s names important to you? 

Try to maintain consistency in your beliefs. This requires rational examination of them. 

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