Fiance is postponing wedding planning.

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 77
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I’m sorry that you are having this issue with your fiance.

I think my biggest concern is that he won’t really discuss it. He’s put wedding planning on hold until he gets what he wants. In this case, it is about you giving up your name and taking his, something you have been clear that you had no plans to do. Now, instead of discussing it with you, he’s kind of frozen you out- he’ll start discussing wedding planning again when you agree to change your name…undecided

I second all the suggestions for counseling. All couples have disagreements, but in this case, I’m concerned about how he is handling this one. It would make me concerned about how he will handle future disagreements- everything from finances to children. At this point, I’d tell him that I agree with him- “we should put the wedding planning on hold, as I’m concerned about the way you have chosen to handle this disagreement and about how you have treated me”.

 

PS: I usually refrain from commenting on inflammatory things, but I read some of the negative comments re: feminism. To me, feminism is simply the “radical” notion that women are people! cool

Post # 78
Member
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

jessrohde08 :  you are the most small minded person on these boards.

Post # 79
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

people are allowed their opinions. No one has a right to insult others for their beliefs. If you believe in changing your name then great, if not that is your right too. Yes some cultures women keep their maiden name. So that tradition is not more right or wrong compared to American traditions. I hope OP can find a compromise .

and dont feed the troll/mentally unstable person!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 80
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

This would be a huge issue for me, and if I were you…I would not back down.

Personally, I plan to change my last name. I like the idea of a family having the same last name and I am not attached to my surname. 

HOWEVER – ultimatums such as his don’t bode well with me and I refuse to be blackmailed. My best advice would be to not cave to his ultimatums, but work towards a compromise. Find out his reasoning for being so fixed on you taking his last name, and work from there. If he wants the whole family to be united, I don’t see an issue with a hyphenated last name. If he refuses to comprise, let people know that wedding is being postponed and provide the real reason to anyone that asks. 

Post # 81
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

I also second the advice from robsbeach :  and others, seeing a counselor might help greatly. Going into a relationship that uses ultimatums and silence as a tool for communication is not healthy. There could be some mis-communication that a third party can help with.

 

Post # 82
Member
1060 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I would never marry a man who insisted I change my name. That’s your decision and you take into consideration their feelings but ultimately it is up to you.

Post # 83
Member
4345 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 1997

I can see a man being slightly surprised about his wife not taking his name, but to make it a deal-breaker? He sounds completely inflexible. Is this how he will react every time he doesn’t get his way? Will he refuse to discuss anything at all unless you bend to his will? This is NOT a good sign of a cooperative partner. The only thing a man should want to discuss is the naming of any potential future children if his wife doesn’t take his name (I don’t feel children should automatically be given a man’s name if the woman keeps her name, so that’s an issue that should be discussed before marriage, IMO). But his being this rigid about things? Yeah, that would probably be a deal-breaker for ME.

How would he react if you moved out (if you currently live together) or took a break from the relationship until HE worked out his issues and was ready to discuss things? That would really put the ball back into his court and show that you are as serious about this as he is.

Post # 86
Member
2383 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

secondtime7 :  I’m sorry but after your update I think you need to leave him

Post # 87
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

secondtime7 :  Woah, big troll here.  Stepping out of that shade and into the sunlight for a second.. 

At this point it is probably best to give it time.  Agree to postpone wedding planning, but hold your ground.  Contrary to what he says, this is actually HIS choice.  In time, whether that be a few weeks or months, he will let you know where he stands.  

It might even take a break up and some very alone time in the small dark corners of his room at night to realize that he is truly wrong.  If not, consider yourself lucky that you do not have to explain away to your future daughters the impressions their father has on a woman’s right to her own identity. 

Post # 88
Member
2177 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

secondtime7 :  I was thinking about keeping my name. When I brought it up my then fiancé was like ‘oh ok… If that’s what you want’… He didn’t pressure me or anything and he wouldn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to but I could actually see how disappointed that I wasn’t going to take his name. I’ve never seen him look like that so I was like OK this means more to him than I realised. I used it as an opportunity to open up a dialogue and ask him why it meant so much to him. He gave me his reasons and I felt that it meant a lot more to him than it did to me so I became Mrs________.

The morning after our wedding our wedding I was woken up by hubby with a kiss and a good morning Mrs______. I’ll never forget his goofy grin as he said it. He also thanked me for taking his name and said he realised that it was a big concession for me to do so.

My point is that both your fiance and mine wanted the same thing but mine allowed me the choice as it was my decision to make. Yours is holding a wedding hostage and not allowing you the freedom to choose. I’m concerned that he doesn’t see you as a equal in the relationship and feel he has the right to take away your autonomy. I’d also be concerned that he feels OK strong arming you into his way of thinking and that he will pull a stunt like this constantly in your marriage. He’s using bullying and withholding tactics to get his way and that is so not on. I’d walk honestly as this is a major flag.  

Post # 89
Member
5633 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

secondtime7 :  

I asked Dh about this.  He said it’s nice that I use his last name, but he would not have made a big deal over it if I hadn’t.  He can’t understand your Fi at all.

At this point, the name issue is starting to look like an excuse for his being a jerk.

Dh has no problem with the fact that I still use my maiden name in a lot of situations.  In fact, *he’s* been known to use *my* name.  He swears he gets better service at the vet’s and a bunch of other places where I’m well known.  It’s quite an experience to hear your Dh refer to himself as Mr (your name) instead of his own name.

Post # 90
Member
47 posts
Newbee

secondtime7 :  To me this is a bit – or a lot – passive aggressive. I mean he’s saying he doesn’t think of himself as traditional, but he’s also saying that he can’t think of you as his wife, his life partner, his best friend unless you have the same last name. 

 

That’s very passive aggressive to me. It’s like saying oh I don’t mind if you have a career outside the home . . . but my mom was a stay at home mom and I guess it’s just my vision of what a mom should be . . . but you know, it’s ok to keep your job. 

 

Personally – I’ve always thought to change my name but that’s MY choice. I am a professional in a career I love but I am not a doctor or a lawyer or anything so changing my name isn’t going to meaning changing anymore than the standard documents. Really it’s your choice – you should talk about it but whether my partner has the same last name as me is the least of my concerns when determining if I’m going to spend my life with someone. 

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