Fiance is wishy-washy about having kids and other life things…stay or go?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

Stay or go is your decision to be honest, what you need to do is decide.

are you okay with him being like this for the rest of his life? It’s alwaya going to be the way he is. I know that’s not exactly helpful but it’s not my choice.

it would bother me no end to have someone so indecisive about every single decision in their life and I wouldn’t stay 

Post # 3
Member
886 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

When I first started reading, I thought this was going to be a case of “he doesn’t want to put an exact timeline on kids but definitely wants them I.e not yet”. I think this is bigger than this though. 

I get that you say he’s a sweet guy and clearly you complement each other in some ways and get along, but I think you are starting to appreciate that this isn’t the sole basis for a happy marriage. 

You have to be financially compatible, life and goal compatible and, well, personality compatible. I get that not everyone can be at the same stage as you are, but he’s not really filling any of these needs for you. You need a direction and you don’t have one. 

Those are my thoughts, I don’t really know what to suggest, but I’m really sorry you are going through this. 

Post # 4
Member
886 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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whoswho :  indecision is one of my biggest bug bears too and your last sentence reminded me of a magnet on my Mother-In-Law fridge which says “I used to be indecisive but now I’m not sure”. Even the magnet annoys me. 

Post # 5
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

View original reply
thosethreewords :  

 

i can not stand indecision either howbee this is so Is so hard to judge, I hate being the “you need to leave him” person because it’s so difficult to do in reality 

Post # 6
Member
11126 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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cutecutecat :  

Wait.  What?! He has a DUI, and he is not even fulfilling his court-imposed legal responsibilities?  For two effin years? WTAF?

Anyone with a DUI gets a hard side eye from me. It’s symptomatic of problems with intoxicating substances, poor judgement, and low impulse control.

So, he’s not the most ambitious guy.  Fair enough. Lots of people don’t feel that intense drive to achieve. But, then we get to:

He has zero idea what he wants to do with his life, career wise, and I’m pretty sure he spent a long time avoiding seriously thinking about it until I started ask him about it at regular intervals.

Bee, you have caught yourself a man-child. Now, save yourself decades of pain and frustration—throw him back.

There is nothing on this earth you can do to get him to be more proactive. He is what he is, and that’s a guy who not only earns himself a DUI, risking the lives and limbs of innocents; but, he’s also a deadbeat, content to mooch off of you. 

Dear gawd, do not have children with this guy! What kind of role model would he be? Is he what you want your kids to emulate and think is normal?

Now, prepare for incoming. Team Depression will arrive shortly to make you feel even worse, because the poor man is probably depressed.

He may very well be suffering from depression. That requires professional treatment, ie meds and therapy. Is he open to consulting with a doctor?

If so, that’s wonderful. If not, this is your life forever more.

Depression is not a universal hall pass. Many people with severe, major clinical depression live happy, productive lives. I certainly do, thanks to excellent therapy and the right combo of meds.

Thus, the whole depression chorus kind of misses the main point. Successful treatment can only happen if the subject is sufficiently motivated, on his own

I would not even tell him you wanted him evaluated for depression, specifically. Let the experts decide what, if any, symptoms are a good fit to a diagnosis. 

Unfortunately, natural born malingerers jump on any diagnosis they can get and parade around in it like a ratty old boa.

Post # 7
Member
7794 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

He’s not the goal-setting type, and he’s not a go-getter…He has zero idea about what he wants to do with his life career-wise…Sometimes he gets an idea about what he wants to do, starts dabbling in it, and then loses his enthusiasm quickly. He goes right back to feeling like his life is pointless…

He’s 33, he doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up, and can’t even be bothered to deal with a DUI for 2 years? Has he sought treatment for depression? 

This is who he is. If you are not comfortable spending your life with this person then you should not marry him, let alone have children with him. Sorry, Bee. He’s a sweet guy isn’t enough to build a marriage on. 

Post # 8
Member
703 posts
Busy bee

I’m cringing reading this. He’s a grown ass man treating life like he’s still a teenager or young adult trying to figure life out. Why hasn’t he grown up? And frankly, I think he’s right. He isn’t ready to be a parent anytime soon. Please don’t have kids with someone who still has so much growing up to do. 

Post # 9
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
cutecutecat :  Bee, this is bigger than just the kids thing, this is about making ANY life decisions, big or small.

He’s not going to change. Think about how this will affect you when you DO have kids with him. Are you willing to put up with this for the rest of your life when it’s already driving you crazy now? I think if you answer to that is no, then you unfortunately need an exit strategy.

Post # 10
Member
4094 posts
Honey bee

Sounds like he has a laid back personality and is immature. Not everyone is able to pick a career path, some maybe not even their whole lives, but he should recognize he needs to be financially responsible and stick with something solid until/unless he figures out what career he is passionate about. At the end of the day, this may not be a personality type you find suitable and you need to decide if you will be happy with this person or need to move on. Sorry bee.

Post # 11
Member
2989 posts
Sugar bee

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cutecutecat :  I have a few questions about your post that I think will help us see the situation clearer. 

You mention that money is an issue with children (totally understandable) and that he feels he doesn’t make good money. Then later you say that he dabbles around. Has he always had a steady job? Does he change jobs a lot? Is he financially stable? I think those questions will answer a lot.

From his perspective, I totally get the money thing. That is the only thing holding me back personally from ttc right now. And I think it’s smart to be realistic about kids and money so good for your Fiance for thinking about the future. 

Also, I totally see your point of view. I wouldn’t want to wait for too long to have kids. And I think it’s fair that you’re looking to have kids in 4/5 years. I think that’s super reasonable to save up and make arrangements so you’ll be prepared for children and what comes with it. 

I think my question is mainly, is he just thinking ahead and trying to be pragmatic? Or can he not hold down a job and be an adult? There’s a big difference between the two. 

Post # 12
Member
1518 posts
Bumble bee

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cutecutecat :  I think you really need to think about this guy you are considering tying yourself to for the rest of your life bee. Love isn’t enough and sometimes that is hard to hear but it is so true. Love is the easy part. 

Your fiance is unmotivated, not a planner, has a DUI, and gives up easily. But hey he is funny and kind, and you love him so why not get married right? NOOOOOOOOO lol

Your fiance is not carrying his weight bee. At this point he shouldn’t qualify for marriage AT ALL. He doesn’t check hardly any boxes that make him a good choice for a life partner. 

You want a man not a boy. Here is what you do deserve. 

– A person who can carry their weight in the relationship. If you got sick and he had to work and be the primary money maker.

– A person who you can 100% rely on when hard things happen. That should be #1 on anyones list of a partner. 

– A person who can set goals for themselves and follow through. A person who sets goals and doesn’t complete them? That is another form of lying. It is dishonest. 

If you think about it the only qualities he exhibits currently are the lazy easy ones. It is easy to be funny, to be fun to hangout with. It takes no moral courage to be understanding or kind. This guy is not marriage material because he can’t even get it together enough to be proud of his own life and where it is headed independently of anyone else. 

People don’t change for other people, they change for themselves. He hasn’t changed yet since you have dated him, he won’t suddenly become a better person now. I don’t think you should be singing up for a life with him bee. If you feel you want to try I think you two should get some couples therapy to work out what is at the root of his issues and why he isn’t motivated to create a life for himself he can be proud of. 

All you are signing up for with this man is dissapointment and a lifetime of hard hard hard work on your part. You deserve a partner. With this guy you are his MOM. yikes. 

 

Imagine coming across his profile on Bumble. It reads. 

Hi I am not the goal-setting type, and not a go-getter…I have zero idea about what I want to do with my life career-wise…Sometimes I get an idea about what I want to do, start dabbling in it, and then loses my enthusiasm quickly. 

Would you EVER in a million years want to date this dude? NOPE. Now that is a reality check. 

Post # 13
Member
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Has he everseen a mental health professional to be screened for some kind of anxiety or mood disorder? Indecision and a lack of confidence in his decisions/ability to make decisions could be a symptom of something more going on.

That said, just because there might be an explanation for his behaviour doesn’t make it acceptable. He’s in his 30s. He is a grown man and he needs to take responsibility and be willing to discuss his future with his wife-to-be. If he has anxieties about these decisions, he needs to be open about them and willing to work through them with you.  Hold him to a higher standard and tell him what you need from him. Don’t let him brush you off anymore. This stuff is important and it is absolutely the kind of stuff you need to have figured out *before* the wedding. 

Post # 14
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I feel like there is an epidemic of men like this in their 20s and 30s these days. I don’t understand what’s causing it, but I know so many dudes who are suffering from this “failure to launch” syndrome. From what I’ve observed in my own friend/family circle, this can go one of two ways: with lots of help and hand-holding from a very driven, very patient partner or parents, men like this can eventually pull their shit together, land a job in a field they like, and basically grow up and stop languishing. In other cases, it is hopeless and these men will never really overcome the ennui, so they’ll never be ready to take the next steps in life whether that means marriage, having a kid, committing to a career, or whatever.

Unfortunately it’s pretty much a gamble as to which category your dude will fall into. I have a cousin who’s bf was a lot like yours. Very smart guy, graduated with a degree in philosophy, but then decided what he really wanted to do was engineering. Well most engineering jobs don’t hire people with philosophy degrees. But rather than figuring out a plan to make his dream happen, he just sat around living at his parents house, working odd jobs and feeling depressed…for years. Eventually he and my cousin moved in together. More years passed, cousin was feeling extremely frustrated because she wanted to get married and start a family, but he was still moping around about “what is the point of it all” – dreaming of being an engineer yet not taking a single step to make it happen. My cousin is super driven so she basically mapped out a plan for him to make his dream a reality. She looked up colleges that offered engineering programs he would be eligible for, helped him with his applications, then when he was graduating, researched jobs for him and went so far as to schedule appts on his behalf with career counselors. It took YEARS, but thanks to her, he finally did get a job in his field and he’s now been working in it for several years and is content. They got married and have two beautiful kids. He’s a great dad and a loving husband. All is well.

But it seriously would have never happened if my cousin hadn’t quite literally held his hand and paved the way for him to accomplish each of the steps that needed to happen for him to work in this field. Obv this is just one story and everyone’s  different, but I guess in your shoes I’d be asking myself how much I was willing to put up with, esp when there are no guarantees. I know I don’t have the kind of patience or stamina to do what my cousin did for her partner. I’d have been out a lot sooner, and in fact I did leave my ex who had similar failure to launch issues, because I wound up just losing respect for him. (To be fair, there were plenty of other issues in our relationship, but his failure to launch syndrome was certainly one of the big ones.) I have zero sympathy for people who are unhappy with the status quo but refuse to take action to improve their own situation. But that is just me. For my cousin, she loved her partner so much that she was willing to put up with it. Only you know what your own limits are bee.

Post # 15
Member
6946 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

At first this sounded a lot like my husband: he knew he definitely wanted kids at some point, but the idea of setting out a specific timeline and plan scared him because then it was REAL. He’s not a planner either and prefers to moreso just go with the flow. So figuring out when to actually try for children took several conversations and a lot of compromise on both sides. 

HOWEVER, once I kept reading it seems obvious that this is not as simple as that at all. Your fiance seems like kind of a dud. Sorry but I’m trying to be honest here. He sounds completely unmotivated to do ANYTHING with his life. 2 years without sorting out this DUI?! He seems like the type of guy you’re going to have to nag over and over again to get him to move forward at all. And that sounds exhausting. 

I think you’re going to have to think about what you want your future to look like. Take the kid timeline out of it, because it’s not going to end there. How would you feel about your fiance waiting 2 years to take your child to the doctor to check out some suspicious mole on their back? Ridiculous right? 

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