- 2 years ago
- Wedding: October 2019
Hi everyone. I’m having an issue with my fiance of 4 months (I’m 28 and he’s 33), and I’m at my wit’s end about what to do. My fiance and I have been dating for 3.5 years, and have only just begun to plan our wedding (we haven’t even officially set a date yet). Because my fiance isn’t the “planning” type, we hardly talked about a timeline for having kids when we were dating, but now that we’re starting to try and nail down the details about our wedding and married life (i.e. where we plan to live, how many kids we want, etc.) I’m starting to get very worried. We both really want kids and feel like we’ll be natural parents, so that’s not the issue. It’s more a problem of when. I’ve expressed to my fiance many times (even before we were engaged) that I don’t want to be an older parent. Ideally, I’d like to have my first kid by 33, if not sooner (around 30 or 31). This really freaks him out for several reasons. First of all, we live in one of the most expensive metropolitan areas in the country, so he worries about being able to afford kids. Second, he doesn’t feel like his current position is financially stable enough to support kids (again, money). I think above all, though, he’s just not feeling like he’s mature enough to even seriously think about it yet. In his words: “why are we talking about having kids when we haven’t even planned our wedding yet?” I’m not pressuring him to have kids right this second, though. I’m just trying to talk to him about my timeline to make sure we’re on the same page. I don’t want to be sitting around, waiting to have kids until I’m 35 like it seems like he wants.
I do understand his financial concerns, because I feel the same way. However, whenever I try to bring up a conversation about moving to a cheaper area or planning to go back to school or change career paths or otherwise move toward increased financial stability, his response is always: “yeah, we should start looking at that.” It’s never a real conversation about how to move forward. He’s not the goal-setting type, and he’s not a go-getter, so it feels like all these financial objections are just roadblocks that are going to sit in the way until *I* do something about them, even though they are mostly his roadblocks (I am the higher earner by a significant margin, I am more educated, and I’m generally better with my money than he is).
The thing is, my fiance is a really sweet guy. He’s a very funny and generally happy person (except for the occasional dramatic mood swing that leaves him feeling listlessly depressed). He loves to cook (although he’s capricious about when he does it) and will clean, and doesn’t mind if I don’t want to do those things. He’s generally understanding, and we connect in a lot of ways. But his wishy-washyness about moving forward with his life is really starting to get to me. In addition to the kid stuff, he’s got some DUI classes that he’s been avoiding completing for almost two years now. He has zero idea about what he wants to do with his life career-wise, and I’m pretty sure he spent a long time avoiding seriously thinking about it until I started asking him about it at regular intervals. Sometimes he gets an idea about what he wants to do, starts dabbling in it, and then loses his enthusiasm quickly. He goes right back to feeling like his life is pointless. I understand the sentiment — I sometimes struggle with feelign fulfilled at my job too — but I’m getting pretty frustrated because his lack of forward momentum has kept us stalled at other points in our relationship too. He freaked out over financial stability before moving in together and getting engaged too.
I’d really like it if he could just be proactive about making decisions about his life. It feels like it’s just too much to ask that he just think about the future before it’s staring him straight in the face. I love him, but I don’t know what to do. What do you guys think?