Post # 1
So, my fiance’s dad has stage 3 lung cancer, we found out in August and they gave him a year. We planned our wedding in June as that was the soonest we could do financially and we are hoping and praying he is still with us then. My fiance proposed in October, and we have been closer then ever since, for the most part. However, he has his days where he gets really down and shuts me out. He has been like this for the last week, it also doesn’t help that he is stressed about his job. He’s shutting me out, and no matter how much I try to get him to talk or let me in somehow, he won’t. I can’t even begin the imagine how he feels or what he is going through as I have never lost anyone close… but it is absolutely killing me that the time where we should be happiest in our lives, he is telling me it’s hard for him to be happy or excited about anything. I understand that, I really do.. and I know life hits us at bad times some times, but I guess I am having a hard time coping with the fact that our engagement can’t be a happy time for him. Also, he isn’t involved in ANYTHING so far. So far I have done everything from planning the wedding, picking a venue, doing the guest list, doing the registry, planning our honeymoon, getting a loan for a house, talking to the realtor, picking out the houses we want to live in, etc. He says he can’t wait to be my husband and have a house and such, and I told him I am fine with moving the wedding if he wants too, but he insists on having it then.
I guess I just needed to let that out, I feel like I am very understanding to the situation, even though I can’t 100% understand since I have never been in his shoes. I’m just wondering if any other bees have grooms going through a rough time like this? Tons of my friends are engaged and I see how happy and involved their groom is, and then mine is just… here. Lol. I love him to pieces and he is an awesome guy, a great fiance… I understand needing time to deal with things. I just don’t want him to push me away and it kills me knowing he isn’t happy. It kills me knowing we will never get the opportunity to be engaged to each other again and him truly enjoy it. Please tell me your stories and how you have dealt with anything similar to this, maybe it will help me knowing others have went through something similar during their engagement! Thank you all in advance for reading my long post!
Post # 2
It sounds like the whole wedding and house buying is already in full swing but my only thought is can you guys just take on less over these next six months? I’m imagining he is super overwhelmed, sad, wanting to spend time with Dad. It sounds like you shouldn’t take it personally that he isn’t able to get happy about the good stuff right now. You’re going to have to shoulder more of the overall life burden over the next year and support him.
Post # 3
Both yours and your fiance’s feelings are completely valid. Your Fiance is overwhelmed, sad and grieving even though his Dad is still with him. Planning a party isn’t going to be top of his agenda. Terminal illness will put things into perspective like that. He says he wants to be your husband and settle down which is the most important thing to come from your wedding. I think you just need to accept that you’ve all been dealt a bad hand at this time. I’m really sorry for everything you’re both going through.
Post # 4
- Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY
I agree 100%. There’s never a good time for such a serious illness to afflict a loved one, but you just have to accept that this is what you must deal with and try to be as supportive as possible for your Fiance. He’ll have happy days along with the sad ones.
Post # 5
I think I might suggest postponing the wedding. Perhaps even for a year or 2. Or, have the wedding much sooner, even just a small ceremony so dad is included. I understand how important it would be to have his father there, but if a doctor gives a year and that’s August, then June is cutting it REAL close. Predicting death isn’t an exact science. What if his father passes in May or June? With only days before the wedding? What if by June he is alive but bedridden and can’t be there at all? There so much that could happen between now and June, i don’t think I’d risk it. No offence, but that wedding may not make the best memories for you and you may regret it.
Post # 6
I have thought all of that through, trust me. We have gotten wedding and honeymoon insurance, so IF it happens too close to our wedding, we will be postponing and not losing any money over it. We just can’t afford to have it any sooner. We are trying our best to make sure we have it as soon as possible so he can hopefully be here. Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions!
Thank you all so much. I guess I feel selfish that I can feel excited for our wedding (Though I am still sad and dealing with his dads illness as well, please don’t get me wrong!) and he can’t. I have seriously tried to convince him to post pone it, but he absolutely does not want to post pone. I guess the best thing I can do is be there for him like you all said, and try to make the best of a bad situation….
Post # 7
We got engaged on a Saturday and that Monday my DH’s step mother (who he was very close to) found out her breast cancer was back. We planned a wedding for a year later, and they were hopeful for her treatment options. Then things went downhill. We discussed moving the wedding up, but Darling Husband didn’t want to. She died 8 months later- 4 months before our wedding. It was very sad and hard to be completely happy. Especially seeing his dad at our wedding alone.
To be perfectly honest though, there are a good number of grooms who really aren’t involved with planning their wedding period- even if they don’t have a sick family member. It doesn’t do much good to think of the would’ves and should’ves that might have been, because that isn’t what you are dealing with. Just do your best to support him and be there for when he does want to talk.
Post # 8
I absolutely agree. If you want his father to witness the wedding, then don’t try to plan a big party that may very well create some truly sour memories (if he dies before that or is too ill to be there, or your Fiance cannot be present in the moment without regret). Have a small ceremony ASAP and plan a fabulous vacation at some future date where the two of you can perhaps renew vows. His father has not died yet, but your Fiance is grieving. Now is not a good time to be making any big decisions, IMO (especially buying a home, essentially withou his input).
Post # 9
If it was me I’d be tempted to have a small intimate courthouse wedding now, and then plan a big vow renewal a bit down the line to celebrate when he’s started to heal… I’m not sure I could be happy while my father was dying either – that’s not a stab at you of course, I just get how he might feel. 🙁
Post # 10
Wow, I am so sorry that happened to you guys… I do appreciate you telling me your story though, even though it’s not completely the same situation it helps knowing I am not the only one who has struggled with these emotions coming from my fiance and myself. I appreciate your advice! I am trying my best to support him 100% and to be understanding.
Post # 11
I have spoken to him about these options, but he says that’s not what he wants… I can’t tell if he is just in denial and is leaning on his dad still being here or not though. But that’s all he says. He refuses to do a court house wedding, but he knows the option is still open if need be. Also, he refuses to rent an apartment or buy a house with less than 5 acres. & we won’t really be ready to move in a house for 3 more months minimum… He is more then ready to buy a house, just letting me do all of the work and it bugs me he seems so determined to get one but is not involved. But I am trying to be understanding and hope he means all he says, and do the looking for him. He does seem excited about looking at homes with our realtor this weekend though!
Post # 12
Let me add this, I really DO believe he wants this wedding. He keeps telling me he can’t wait to marry me. He says he wants all of our friends and family there… so that’s why I think he’s so against the court house or a small ceremony….
Post # 13
Depending on how recently you guys found out about this, he might just need some time to process and grieve on his own–everyone grieves differently, and I’m sure you guys are going to learn and grow a lot from going through this experience together.
I do think it’s natural to mourn the loss of the exciting, wedding-focused engagement that anyone would assume they’d have. It sucks. It’s obviously much lesser than the grief you guys have over his dad, but it’s there.
I agree with previous posters, that guys (really, anyone but the bride) are pretty commonly not as into it as the bride. My Fiance straight up told me that if we went with the option of doing anything but a small ceremony, the onus of planning would be on me, because he has very little interest in decor, colors, etc. That said, he is definitely more interested in some aspects of the wedding than others (music, food, etc.).
Post # 14
You put that so well, thank you so much! Those were the words I was trying to say about the loss of having an exciting engagement but couldn’t quite find the words to say it without sounding like I was not mourning his fathers sickness way more.
I guess every guy is different, I think I am reading too much into how “much” it seems my friends grooms are into it… they just all have different personalities than he does too, so he probably would be a little more involved if his dad wasn’t sick, but still not very involved because of his personality.
Thank you so much for putting it into a better perspective then I have been able too, I appreciate your words and advice!
Post # 15
I’m sorry about your Future Father-In-Law. I can see how your Fiance would be stressed with his dying dad and not being as involved with the wedding planning as you’d like.
Is there any way you can move up your wedding by cutting some of the expenses but still inviting everyone you need? It might help both of you. A previous boss of mine also had a dad who was dying of terminal cancer around the time of her engagement. They pulled together a wedding with lots of people so that her dad could attend, so in addition to being a wedding, it was also an opportunity for everyone to spend time with her dad before the end.
As for the house hunting, is there anyway you can postpone the purchase? Are you moving to another city? Even if it’s just moving into a new house, that’s going to be such a time suck, and that time may be better spent with his dad/your Future Father-In-Law. If your Fiance isn’t fully engaged in the househunting, he may not realize what he’s wanting in a house. Do you live in the same city as FFIL? If you need a place to live in the near future, it might actually be beneficial for you two to move in with him temporarily near the end of his life.