(Closed) Fiance isn't involved or happy

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
2110 posts
Buzzing bee

It sounds like the whole wedding and house buying is already in full swing but my only thought is can you guys just take on less over these next six months?  I’m imagining he is super overwhelmed, sad, wanting to spend time with Dad.  It sounds like you shouldn’t take it personally that he isn’t able to get happy about the good stuff right now.  You’re going to have to shoulder more of the overall life burden over the next year and support him.

Post # 3
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Both yours and your fiance’s feelings are completely valid. Your Fiance is overwhelmed, sad and grieving even though his Dad is still with him. Planning a party isn’t going to be top of his agenda. Terminal illness will put things into perspective like that. He says he wants to be your husband and settle down which is the most important thing to come from your wedding. I think you just need to accept that you’ve all been dealt a bad hand at this time. I’m really sorry for everything you’re both going through.

Post # 4
3895 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

View original reply
howdoyoudo:  I agree 100%. There’s never a good time for such a serious illness to afflict a loved one, but you just have to accept that this is what you must deal with and try to be as supportive as possible for your Fiance. He’ll have happy days along with the sad ones. 

Post # 5
839 posts
Busy bee

I think I might suggest postponing the wedding. Perhaps even for a year or 2.  Or, have the wedding much sooner, even just a small ceremony so dad is included. I understand how important it would be to have his father there, but if a doctor gives a year and that’s August, then June is cutting it REAL close. Predicting death isn’t an exact science. What if his father passes in May or June? With only days before the wedding? What if by June he is alive but bedridden and can’t be there at all? There so much that could happen between now and June, i don’t think I’d risk it. No offence, but that wedding may not make the best memories for you and you may regret it. 

Post # 7
7897 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

We got engaged on a Saturday and that Monday my DH’s step mother (who he was very close to) found out her breast cancer was back. We planned a wedding for a year later, and they were hopeful for her treatment options. Then things went downhill. We discussed moving the wedding up, but Darling Husband didn’t want to. She died 8 months later- 4 months before our wedding. It was very sad and hard to be completely happy. Especially seeing his dad at our wedding alone.

To be perfectly honest though, there are a good number of grooms who really aren’t involved with planning their wedding period- even if they don’t have a sick family member. It doesn’t do much good to think of the would’ves and should’ves that might have been, because that isn’t what you are dealing with. Just do your best to support him and be there for when he does want to talk.

Post # 8
6840 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

View original reply
WillowBee33:  I absolutely agree. If you want his father to witness the wedding, then don’t try to plan a big party that may very well create some truly sour memories (if he dies before that or is too ill to be there, or your Fiance cannot be present in the moment without regret). Have a small ceremony ASAP and plan a fabulous vacation at some future date where the two of you can perhaps renew vows. His father has not died yet, but your Fiance is grieving. Now is not a good time to be making any big decisions, IMO (especially buying a home, essentially withou his input).

Post # 9
1325 posts
Bumble bee

If it was me I’d be tempted to have a small intimate courthouse wedding now, and then plan a big vow renewal a bit down the line to celebrate when he’s started to heal… I’m not sure I could be happy while my father was dying either – that’s not a stab at you of course, I just get how he might feel. 🙁

Post # 13
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Depending on how recently you guys found out about this, he might just need some time to process and grieve on his own–everyone grieves differently, and I’m sure you guys are going to learn and grow a lot from going through this experience together. 

I do think it’s natural to mourn the loss of the exciting, wedding-focused engagement that anyone would assume they’d have. It sucks. It’s obviously much lesser than the grief you guys have over his dad, but it’s there.

I agree with previous posters, that guys (really, anyone but the bride) are pretty commonly not as into it as the bride. My Fiance straight up told me that if we went with the option of doing anything but a small ceremony, the onus of planning would be on me, because he has very little interest in decor, colors, etc. That said, he is definitely more interested in some aspects of the wedding than others (music, food, etc.).

Post # 15
7897 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
cdl324:  I’m sorry about your Future Father-In-Law. I can see how your Fiance would be stressed with his dying dad and not being as involved with the wedding planning as you’d like.

Is there any way you can move up your wedding by cutting some of the expenses but still inviting everyone you need? It might help both of you. A previous boss of mine also had a dad who was dying of terminal cancer around the time of her engagement. They pulled together a wedding with lots of people so that her dad could attend, so in addition to being a wedding, it was also an opportunity for everyone to spend time with her dad before the end. 

As for the house hunting, is there anyway you can postpone the purchase? Are you moving to another city? Even if it’s just moving into a new house, that’s going to be such a time suck, and that time may be better spent with his dad/your Future Father-In-Law. If your Fiance isn’t fully engaged in the househunting, he may not realize what he’s wanting in a house. Do you live in the same city as FFIL? If you need a place to live in the near future, it might actually be beneficial for you two to move in with him temporarily near the end of his life. 

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