Fiance just dropped a bomb

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
316 posts
Helper bee

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Supernurse :  I would consider a PI because it would give the peace of mind needed to definitively move on. (assuming you actually found something out, which…if you are hiring a PI…things don’t look great)

Post # 17
Member
2081 posts
Buzzing bee

He wants to move out? Fine. 
Tell him if he moves out the relationship is over. Fuck his stupid ass idea of going on dates- what the fuck would that do for you? Absolutely nothing.

He knows who you are. It’s been 6 fucking years.

Dont let him have his cake and eat it too. He moves out, you’re done. He’s either in or he’s out. That’s it. There is no in between.

Hes an asshole and you deserve better. Take away his power to string you along while he looks for better.

I think he knows you’re not the one but he won’t end it and risk being alone until he finds a replacement. Fuck that. Take away his option to further dick you around 

Cancel everything and tell him it’s over. I’m so sorry. This is unforgivable 

Post # 18
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee

I think his brother’s wedding either made him fully realize you’re not the one or he met someone else. Moving out and going on dates is his chickenshit way to keep having sex before he totally dumps you – or what he’s really hoping, you dump him therefore he can’t be the “bad guy.”

 

If a man wants to marry you, he does. Count your blessings he was *somewhat* honest with you and you’ll only have a broken engagement and not a divorce.

Post # 19
Member
3503 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I’d tell him that if he moved out that is it. There will be no dates. There will be no possibility of getting back together. I wouldn’t put up with that crap. Say it and mean it. I don’t believe in wishy washy relationships. Either it is a relationship or it isn’t.

Post # 20
Member
3058 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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eorrick :  I would bet he met someone else.  I’m sorry. 

Post # 21
Member
1506 posts
Bumble bee

My bet is also that he met someone else. Mind you — she might not even be that special, she’s just new and he is having doubts if he’s feeling these feelings in advance of a wedding. I’m not so cynical to say that he wants to go on “dates” to maintain a sex option — I think it’s more that he’s not sure about his decision, and this way he can keep you open without committing to any particular decision. 

Your best bet is to just go full no contact. 

Post # 22
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

doesnt look good bee. I have just gone through this myself when my partner of 7 years came home and told me he felt different and needed space. Space turned into 3 weeks of hell which then turned in to him breaking up with me 🙁 sending you a hug 

Post # 23
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

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elderbee :  this is great advice. 

Post # 24
Member
2058 posts
Buzzing bee

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eorrick :  

Whether or not he is or has been involved with someone else isn’t very relevant right now in light of what is actually the heart of the issue.  Consider what he told you.  He never had genuine feelings for you.  Repeat this to yourself until it sinks in.  Once it sinks in, the path forward is clear.  Your only healthy future is one that doesn’t have him in it.  There is no “rekindling the relationship.”. That phrase is absolutely a mismatch to the situation.  He can’t rekindle feelings that were never there.  He must have had some degree of attraction to you or he wouldn’t have stayed so long, but that is not what a genuine relationship is made of.  His end of the relationship was never genuine or complete.  He will not suddenly start loving you like you thought he did.  This is a betrayal in it’s own right and where there is deep pain and shock, there is risk for denial.  Don’t do this to yourself.  Don’t hang on.  He does not love you.  Those feelings will not appear now after failing to develop after all this time.  Walk away.  Dates?  Absolutely not.  Do not drag out the pain.  You are clinging to a corpse.  Bury this relationship, wave the cross over it, and move on.  Did he cheat?  What does it matter?  Assume he probably did and get tested.  Be glad he told you of his own free will that he doesn’t have genuine feelings for you and moved out.  How much worse to find out years down the road.  Please cut yourself free of this dead weight and move on in heart, mind and soul.  Don’t chase after him for explanations.  He told you why.

Post # 25
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

As always, people jump right to him cheating — as though men have no emotional complexity beyond finding someone new to screw. 

OP, if he was going through the process of helping his brother with a wedding, and very likely listening to his brother talk about his fiancee, his fears, etc., that could’ve triggered emotions in him that he hadn’t been accepting of hitherto. It’s possible that his brother spoke of his soon-to-be-wife in such glowing terms that your fiance realized that he just couldn’t speak of you in the same way (I’m sorry, I know that’s a hurtful thing to think about). 

People are often in relationships for a long time and realize that they didn’t feel truly in love. And despite what several posters here may tell you, they don’t only come to this realization when they meet someone new.

Post # 26
Member
316 posts
Helper bee

glitch

Post # 27
Member
1506 posts
Bumble bee

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obviousanonymous :   Oh, I would give the same advice if the genders were reversed. I think it’s quite common for a crush of some sort to trigger a realization that someone just isn’t that into their long term relationship anymore. I don’t think they necessarily act on it or are cheating.  It’s true that sometimes they come to that realization on their own, but when the change is abrupt, it’s usually from what I’ve seen triggered by a crush. It’s not so much that they’re leaving to pursue the crush, it’s that the crush itself is part of what makes them realize “I don’t think this is what I need.” 

Post # 28
Member
316 posts
Helper bee

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gimmepretty :  Yeah I mean most men would rather shoot their foot off then ACTUALLY say, “Hey I don’t have feelings for you and I’m not sure I ever did.” So, I almost want to commend him. Until the “let’s go on dates anyway!” comes around. Then I’m like…oh god, there it is.

Post # 29
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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curiouscat2017 :  I have no doubt that a crush is very often the catalyst for a sudden change like this — but so is a major life event. If he was helping his brother with his wedding and started to really think about his own future… that too can trigger an abrupt change. 

Post # 30
Member
316 posts
Helper bee

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obviousanonymous :  We jump right to him cheating because…I mean… I personally would say 9/10 times when a man ends it, that’s what it is. And I’m always in EVERYONE’S business so I know the reasons for breakups lol. Not necessarily cheating physically, but emotionally checking out because they have a crush on someone and then continue to foster it until they are able to leave their current relationship.

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