Fiance just dropped a bomb

posted 2 weeks ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee

Marie2 :   yeah, I hear you on that one.  But at least the words “I don’t have feelings for you” did come out of his mouth.  She can thank fate for that tidbit of honesty, however brief, since thanking him is too much of a stretch.  But, yeah, the dating.  Oh, please!

Post # 32
Member
27 posts
Newbee

eorrick :  Male perspective here. I’ll tell you what’s going on with your SO. He doesn’t know what he wants. It’s the ‘ol “let me make sure I can keep my day one around in case I decide to go back. Even though I’m likely going to move on.” The last relationship I was in before meeting my (eventual) wife, my ex and I tried going on dates during our fall out. The thing about it, though? I knew my girlfriend at the time and I were done. Just didn’t want to accept it. I was actually the one who was more determined to keep the relationship alive at the time. She wasn’t. But we tried going on dates any way. I reeeally should’ve listened to my intuition back then. Would’ve saved a lot of heart ache. Letting a dwindling relationship drag out only makes the pain take longer to heal. If I were you, I’d let him go about himself. And you, do you. You’re not responsible for him, or what ever issues he needs to work on. Frankly, him going out on his own could be something he needs to do to get his mind right. Again, it’s not your responsibility to be there for him. Especially if he wants out of the relationship.

Post # 33
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

eorrick :  I’m sorry, bee. This must be so hard for you.

I think you’ve had some good advice from other bees, but I’m not sure I understand why so many people are assuming there’s another person involved. Maybe I’m naive (never been cheated on), but I don’t get that from your post, even reading between the lines, although I guess it’s always a possibility. 

I was outraged for you and fully prepared to encourage you to be done with him as quickly as possible… until you commented on his mental health. Having struggled with mood disorders myself (bipolar, depression, anxiety), I understand how they can rock your sense of self and have you questioning everything, including your feelings for your partner. I’ve genuinely been there. How severe are these problems for him? Do you feel like he’s in a seriously unwell situation at present?

If he seems to be mostly functioning ok and it kind of sounds like he is (even organising a new apartment and everything is suggestive of this), I would let him go and not look back. If what he has said is true, you deserve a better partner, as hard as it all must seem right now. Alternatively, if you feel like he really is unwell, I would be thinking about what ways you can provide other support/get him help, and put the future of the relationship on the backburner for a minute. 

Sorry bee. Sending lots of love your way!

Post # 34
Member
6845 posts
Busy Beekeeper

eorrick :  Oh, Bee. Give him all the space in the world but that space does not get to include you–he doesn’t get to leave you and still have you.

A man with enough doubt to run away from you now is not a man you want to marry. As difficult as this is, be happy it isn’t happening a year from now. 

“he didn’t feel any romantic feelings toward me anymore, and he wasn’t sure if he every really did” — what an incredibly hurtful thing to say to someone. He sounds too chickenshit to just end it and is hoping you will. This favor you should grant him–he is not worthy of you. 

Post # 35
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Move on. No dates. Kick him out if he no longer wants to move. Here’s why: he has done irreparable harm to your relationship. Asking for space is one thing. Asking for space and dates is a weird, but kinda understandable thing.  But this quote will follow you throughout the rest of your relationship “he said he didn’t feel any romantic feelings toward me anymore, and he wasn’t sure if he every really did. He apparentlly just kept taking big steps hoping it would “fill the gap he was feeling.”

Option A: he’s lying to you now, and claiming he never had feelings for you… for YEARS. He’s telling you he’s the kind of man who would voluntarily undermine your feelings for him and even your memories of your life together. He’s a person who would make it impossible for you to stay with him while your self esteem is in tact. Let’s be clear: there’s no fucking way to stay with someone who told you they don’t now, and never did have romantic feelings for you unless you lack self respect.

Option B: He’s telling you the truth, all of the above still applies AND he might be a sociopath. 

Never give a man a second chance to tell you he doesn’t want you. You will regret it.  You’re as young and as beautiful as you will ever be. You don’t have children with this man. He knows you could leave him easily. And THIS is how he treats you now.  Do you think “I never had feelings for you” will sting less in ten years when you’ve got two kids, maybe a couple of wrinkles, and your grays coming in?  This is the easy part and he failed.

Do you think he’ll remain faithful to a woman he has told he doesn’t have romantic feelings for? Do you think he’ll give up the search for that feeling if you stick around?  Will you give up on finding someone who feels that way about you?

He has already told you you can’t believe his pretty words because he is capable of reversing on a dime. Get out while you can.  

Even if he apologizes, you will never unhear those words, because they are both your present and past. They will also be your relationship’s future.

Post # 36
Member
2905 posts
Sugar bee

While I commend him for being honest with himself and you, asking you to sit back and wait while he sows his wild oats is completely BS!

I would venture a guess that he asked for this trial separation to try and lessen the blow for when he actually ends your relationship.  If I were you, I would consider it over and start working on healing and moving on.

Personally, I do think that there is a chance he met someone else, but that’s only because men like the security of companionship.  However, maybe he also just realized that forever is a long time and PP was not the right person for him.  Which is not a reflection of PP.  Two people can start off compatible and then they grow apart. 

  

 

Post # 37
Member
4330 posts
Honey bee

 Miss_Mae :  People are thinking that he may be interested in someone else because when there is great change there’s always a catalyst.

OP, as far as depression goes, Abraham Lincoln, a man plagued by depression throughout his life, managed to run the country during the Civil War. Depression is not always crippling and I dare say your ex-fiance can manage on his own. His mental issues are his to deal with; they’re not your responsibility. 

I’m so tired of seeing people given a pass on noxious behavior because they have depression. In our overly medicated world people have forgotten that dealing with sadness is a part of the human condition. It does not make you special and should not give you license to act in hurtful ways. 

Post # 38
Member
1528 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

eorrick :  “he said he didn’t feel any romantic feelings toward me anymore, and he wasn’t sure if he every really did. He apparentlly just kept taking big steps hoping it would “fill the gap he was feeling.””

If he never had romantic feelings for you, then there’s nothing to rekindle, is there? So he can fuck right off with these “dates”. 

Post # 39
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee

I’m 90% sure he’s into someone else now, and it’s because of what he said. I’m assigning the 10% to the small chance that he really is just getting cold feet, but I doubt it. Again, the clue is in his words. 

You spent 6 years with him, he proposed on his own, and he seemed really excited until he was helping out with his brother’s wedding. Right at that time he started distancing himself, he stopped looking at you the same way. Then he says ‘he doesn’t feel any romantic feelings for you and wasn’t sure he ever did’. It’s that sentence right there. Note he didn’t say, “I’m not sure I’m ready for marriage” or “I’m stressed about planning a wedding”. He IMMEDIATELY went to feelings. 

OP, you know he had romantic feelings for you! In my experience, a man says that because of one thing only – he has met someone that he feels really excited about, and because he doesn’t feel as excited about you (whether he used to and has forgotten, or this new person inspires stronger feelings) he imagines that this new person must be so much better and his feelings for Old Faithful pale by comparison. But he’s not going to say that because he doesn’t want to cause that much hurt, and also he will look like the bad guy. But he is also in a massive hurry to get out of the apt – he already made arrangments without saying anything to you! 

He wants to move out so he can date this new person. But he isn’t sure if it’s going to work out with her, so he wants to be able to fall back on you. Or maybe he’s offering the dating so you will find the whole arrangement more palatable but on his moving out you find that he actually just wants to break up. Or maybe he’s not sure if he should be with you or this new and exciting person so he figures he can try with the both of you and see who wins. 

I’m really hoping I am wrong here. But even if I am, that doesn’t mean that 10% cold feeet equals a reconciliation. I’m with the bees in that if he moves out, you need to be completely finished with him. As horrible as it is, he would have chosen to leave you. It’s better for you to move on at that point rather than drag out what will continue to be a very painful experience. 

Post # 40
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

YIKES! I am so sorry.

Sounds like you need to cut ties at this point, he is moving out and only gave you a weeks notice without having the respect to try to talk about this with you sooner?

Doesn’t know if he ever had romantic feelings for you? sounds like he has been dragging you along this entire time while he tries to figure out if you are what he wants or not. 

I say he has had enough time. 

You should be done with him. Move on, find a man that is not wishy washy!

Post # 41
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Another thing, if he doesn’t currently (and may not have ever) have romantic feelings for you, this man voluntarily wasted SIX YEARS of your life.  He intentionally kept you on a string for SIX years. HE decided that YOU shouldn’t be with someone who has romantic feelings for you for SIX WHOLE YEARS, while reaping the benefits of those feelings himself.  WHAT. AN. ASSHOLE.

If you want to have children, this man has intentionally and unilaterally deprived you of the chance to be with someone who loves you and wants to marry you and father your children.  HE decided to squander six years of YOUR fertility.  

He knew all of this and decided that his indecision should trump what’s best for you.  After all of this, he thinks he deserves more of your time to waste.

In my book, that’s cruel and unforgiveable.  Seriously, fuck this guy.  

Post # 42
Member
501 posts
Busy bee

eorrick :  Bee, when I was younger, I would have desperately given him space, gone on dates, dolled myself up, and I would actively try to wi him back.

In my elder years, I have realized that I should never spend that kind of mental and emotional energy on someone who doesn’t want me just as much as I want them.

I know that six years is hard to let go of, but I don’t think you should ever feel like any man’s consolation prize or like you have to work hard to earn someone’s love and affection.

I would tell him to find a more permanent place and take this as a blessing in disguise. Now you will have the opportunity to truly find someone who appreciates you, once he is out of the picture.

Post # 43
Member
304 posts
Helper bee

eorrick :  Im so sorry this is happening but you will move on, I promise you and at the end of day you will be happy that this was a broken engagement not a divorce.

I do believe there is someone else, its the fact that he made this decison and found a place to live before even talking to you.. if this was truly a cold feet or needing to figure out if this is going to work forever situation then I truly do believe he would have sat you down, told you and asked what you think is best or at the very least said that he thinks space is needed.. but instead he found a place on his own.. which means hes been keeping this from you for some time now and for someone to make such a rash decision after being together happily for 6 years I really think someone else is involved and I am really sorry for that.

I dont believe for a second that he never had feelings like that for you.. but if he is actually telling the truth about that why would you ever want to spend your life without so moronic that he not only wasted your life he wasted his own.. which makes him not only incredibly selfish..but also really stupid.

Sending you all the hugs

Post # 44
Member
213 posts
Helper bee

eorrick :  I had an ex that kind of played me like this. We weren’t engaged or anything, but he was saying he needed space, etc. One of my friends said something that really stuck with me. She said “even if he came back grovelling, could you ever TRULY trust him again?” That was a real whack in the face, because obviously the answer was no

She also told me I should have some self respect and move on, and she was so damn right. 

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