Fiance just dropped a bomb

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
1937 posts
Buzzing bee

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Marie2 :  Not sure why you think that. She hasn’t done anything wrong. I went through something similar and dating the same length of time. It really sucks, it’s painful and you feel like you weren’t good enough, but in the end if there’s another person it’s not because she’s any better. In fact in my experience she’s usually not as great…but she’s new. In my case, that relationship didn’t last long at all because she was kind of a crappy person…but all that mattered was she was different from me. What mattered was he wasn’t fully in the relationship with me. 

He told me he didn’t love me enough too. Years later we reconnected and talked about this, and guess what? Apparently he did love me, but he was just bad at communicating any issues and there was nothing wrong with me. Great. Thank you very much that was very helpful 10 years too late!

Post # 47
Member
316 posts
Helper bee

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strawberrysakura :  let me clarify-your advice is great, and truthful. Period. It’s just aaah  thinking there was another woman must be so incredibly painful for her that your truthful description of what may have gone down (and, IMO DID go down) stings.

Post # 48
Member
1937 posts
Buzzing bee

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Marie2 :  Oh yes I definitely agree with that! No doubt this is excruciating for the OP and my heart goes out to her. 

Post # 49
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m so sorry bee. This is all around shitty. 

I don’t necessarily agree with posters who are so certain that your boyfriend has found someone else or is cheating.  I think there is a whole lot of projection there and that should not be your immediate assumption. 

I understand that he feels he needs space. but if he truly was interested in repairing the relationship , it doesn’t require such a drastic step of subletting his own place.  How can a relationship be repaired if he takes a gigantic step back? I think he may have realized that this isn’t what he wants and is using all this going on dates nonsense as a way to ease the cruel blow to you that he has changed his mind. Its shitty. By telling you he never had romantic feelings for you is hurtful and likely completely untrue. 

If I were you, I’d  cut my losses. Let him go. There’s a man out there who will treasure and honor you, never doubt you or his feelings you, and know he hit the jackpot with you. Take time to heal from this and then go find him.  Hugs!

Post # 50
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee

When he started helping his brother with his wedding, everything became REAL. How pemanent marriage is, what marriage entails, etc. His anxiety kicked in totally. I would tell him you WANT DISTANCE FROM HIM. No contact at all. Defintely no dates. Take back the control and tell him you are not a “yo yo” subject to his changing whims. Take at least two months to really THINK. Is this the right man for me? If he has a history of anxiety and depression, you may not fully realize what you are getting into even if you love him. These are often complex lifelong issues that effect not only YOU but future children you may have. Accept this painful, confusing time to really discern if he is the right man for you. Accept this unexpected setback as a possible gift to discern if you are on the right path. Just because you love someone does not mean they are the right husband for you.

Post # 51
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

I also second all the pps above who say just let him go. No dates. No contact even. I was with someone for ten years who upped and walked out on me one evening when I was in the bath and texted me that he needed space and wanted me not to speak to him for a week while he got his head together. There was no argument and no explanation of his behaviour. I have him his week, no contact and he ended the relationship at the end of that week. 

I then started the process of separating our finances and buying him out of the property we owned together and he suddenly changed his mind and wanted to start again. I stupidly agreed, only for him to walk out on me again a few months later, this time for good. All the trying again did was prolong the agony and make me deal with two break ups instead of one. Don’t let your partner do that to you. Be prepared for him to get scared and try and get you back after a few weeks when the grass isn’t greener and then fall into the same patterns again. As pps said you will be permanently unsure of him now he’s said what he has, and that’s no way to live. 

Post # 52
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1087 posts
Bumble bee

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eorrick :  

I have been in this situation before, although granted it was not as long a relationship as yours.

I woke up to a lengthy text from my boyfriend saying that he no longer had any romantic feelings for me and wanted to break up. It turned out he had met someone else and had been dating her for (at least) the last couple of weeks of our relationship. He and I went back and forth for a couple of months before I found this out – he hinted at us getting back together, spending time together, and he did in fact make plans for us to spend time together before abruptly cutting off contact with me and saying we should no longer communicate. The whole thing was very bizarre, confusing and hurtful – until I found out that he was dating someone else, which of course he never had the guts to tell me. Then it all made sense.

Like elderbee, in my younger years, I would have agreed to give this man space, continue going on dates with him, try to work things out and compromise with him in the hopes that he would come back. But knowing what I know now, I could never go backwards in a relationship. Life is too short, and there are too many other wonderful people out there to spend endless, agonising months working with someone who doesn’t want to put the effort in.

Unfortunately, him moving out and wanting to go back to “dating” is a signal that he is willing to bail on the relationship and have it all on his own terms, which would not do for me. I think you need to make him see that this would be torture for you and, as such, it’s not a viable solution. If he wants to move out, then have a proper break up with a proper separation and no contact for an extended period. Couples do sometimes come back from these, but limping along and dragging the relationship like a wounded leg is just a bad idea, in my opinion.

Post # 53
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

I also think that his brothers wedding triggered him into thinking about his own relationship. I thibk a lot of couples flow into marriage cause that’s what you’re suppose to do after x years. As for moving out and going on dates? That’s a no. I do believe that sometimes space is needed or a time out to sort some stuff but I don’t think that’s the solution in this case. I’d say it’s over and it will in the end be easier for you.

Post # 54
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

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eorrick :  my ex husband did this and it was another woman ( several actually). None of this is your fault. You deserve a man that’s crazy about you.

Post # 55
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

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Marie2 :  yikes. You really went for her jugular!

Yea, but that’s what OP might need to hear right now. It’s better to get to the painful point than to let it slowly ooze out.

Post # 56
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

Once someone has lost feelings for another, it’s extremely difficult to get them back. Honestly, you need to just rip the bandaid off- cancel the wedding, eat the cost, let him move out, and end the relationship. Something prolific had to occur for him to come to this decision. I’m sorry Bee

Post # 57
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee

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strawberrysakura :  

I’m another one who has had the experience (different relationship from the one I described above) where my ex told me he didn’t love when breaking up with me. And later on, he told me that he actually loved me (and still loves me) more than he has ever loved anyone.

So which is it?

For me, the point is that you cannot always believe the nonsense reasons and excuses people throw out there when they break up with you out of the blue. Chances are they are not self-aware enough to know themselves.

These people have very serious issues which they alone can seek help for and fix, and you have to ask yourself whether you are willing to commit to and live with someone who has these issues? 

Post # 58
Member
1937 posts
Buzzing bee

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indigobee :  Omg seriously? Haha wow. 

Yeah, my theory on it is that when you have been with a guy too long, sometimes they get bored and wonder what else is out there and what they are missing out on. They start to feel a bit critical of what their girlfriend does or is, but don’t communicate problems. They just waffle around trying to figure out if they should leave or not. Then they might meet someone that they are attracted to and it seems like the person is better, so they finally leave or become so disconnected that the woman leaves. Finally they can be with the shiny new person, everything is exciting, and often they end up proposing and married pretty quickly. Well, the new person often isn’t better, just different, and eventually they reconsider what were supposedly issues and wonder what would have been if they would have stayed. 

I could be wrong but I think it fits a lot of situations here. 

Post # 59
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee

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strawberrysakura :  

I definitely think you are spot on about a lot of situations.

In the case of the ex I mentioned (the one who first told me he was not in love with me any more and then later told me he loved me more than anyone), your theory was proved to be true because he came back 3 years after we broke up and wanted to get back together. This was after he had been in a 2 year relationship with a woman who was supposedly everything I was not (extremely tolerant and easygoing about very selfish behaviour on his part), and he eventually found he felt no chemistry for her. So he came back to me, with declarations of love and an invitation to move in.

My own theory is that it boils down to a chronic lack of maturity and self-awareness (and a lot of selfishness as well). They don’t understand themselves well enough to know that feelings go through ebbs and flows in life and that it is normal to have life’s ups and downs and for your feelings to flow along with it. It does not mean you stop putting effort into your relationship or doubt the person you’re with. You have to be more practical about it and ride the ebbs and flows with more equanimity.

But, in my experience, these are men who have never really invested that much effort into a relationship, so when things get a little choppy or stressful, they don’t know what to do. They don’t think about being strong and supporting their partner and the relationship – they automatically go into thinking about what’s best for them. In my experience, these are guys who are consumed with their own issues and how difficult things are for them. (Look at the OP’s fiance, with all his claims of depression and anxiety, etc. Which are real, don’t get me wrong, but the answer is not to flee from the relationship, it’s to draw strength and support from it.) Ultimately pretty self-absorbed, though they may not realise it.

So yeah, I think I also think it’s a maturity thing. I think they just simply don’t realise how long term relationships work and the responsibility and strength of character as a person which is required.

Post # 60
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

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eorrick :  None of this is your fault – you deserve a man who is crazy about you! 

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