(Closed) Fiance lap dance at friend's bachelor party

posted 5 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
Member
2411 posts
Buzzing bee

@Hcrab81:  

 

I’m shocked by how sad it has made me. 

I am guessing that a lot of people here will tell you that you’re over-reacting, and it’s not a big deal because after all, it was all in fun and he came home and told you about it, and he should get a medal for being so honest with you, etc. etc. — but I’m not surprised at all that you’re sad. I would be sad, too.
 
I would use this as an opportunity to have a long talk about your expectations of each other going forward.
 
I also would ask him to visualize you going to a male stripper club and  paying some guy who’s well-endowed to grind up against you. And then ask your Fiance to tell you how he would feel about that. I would ask him to tell me in explicit detail how that would make him feel. Because only until he puts himself in your shoes will he begin to understand how wrong this is.

Post # 4
Member
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@BelliniChic:  +1

 

Everyone is going to tell you that you’re overreacting. Its easy to say that when you’re not in the person’s shoes. Personally? I’d be pissed, haha. Break off the engagement? Certainly not. But I’d definitely feel sad and upset about it and I think you have every right to.

Post # 7
Member
2411 posts
Buzzing bee

@Hcrab81:  

 

I definitely do feel like I’m overreacting because I never told him he couldn’t have a lap dance. 

 

I have great sympathy for what you’re going through — but with all due respect to you, I disagree with this.

 

Just because you never explicitly told him he couldn’t have a lap dance, or call a hooker, or rob a bank — doesn’t mean it’s OK for him to do those things.

 

And as for this:

I think there is just a double standard…men get away with things like this.

You are so right.
 
 
Big hugs to you.

 

Post # 9
Member
2411 posts
Buzzing bee

@Hcrab81:  

I couldn’t agree with you more!

I would definitely not let this slide, otherwise it’s going to eat at you. You don’t have to punish him per se, but I would bring it up again and again to let him know that this has affected you. He is the one who made this mess — let him figure out how to fix it. He needs to be extra nice to you, extra tender, extra  attentive. It would be nice if he apologized and gave you a detailed explanation of why he now realizes that this was a poor choice.

 

Post # 11
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I know most won’t agree with me, but I actually think your fiance’s a complete jerk for telling you about this. It should have been filed under “don’t ask, don’t tell” if it really was a one time thing. Making you feel like shit in order to assuage his conscience is an asshat move.

Post # 12
Member
4659 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@BelliniChic:  This seems reasonable. Asking him to visualize the opposite and see how it makes him feel.

 

I don’t think it’s anything to get upset about, especially since he declined to touch her – it doesn’t seem like he wanted her or anything, just the “experience” of a lap dance, which he was so unthrilled by he didn’t even feel like touching the girl.

 

@geekspice:  I agree, I think the best thing would have been to just pretend it never happened, considering it doesn’t seem like the sort of thing that’s going to happen again, and it is of no long term consequence.

Post # 13
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@BelliniChic:  +1

Definitely bring up the other side… my SO and I had only been together 6 months and I went on a Bachelorette party to Vegas.  We went to a topless pool, and me being pretty comfortable with myself, I took my top off.  I immediately told SO, but didn’t expect him to be upset.  He was.  We had a talk about what we were both comfortable with that day and I told him I would prefer he never have a lap dance.  He would prefer I never show my boobs to another man.  Sounds like a fair deal to me.

Hurt feelings for a little “fun” which isn’t really even that much fun but mostly giving into friends should be avoided.  I would be uncomfortable with the fact that he paid for it himself and made the decision.  It’s one thing to go to a strip club.  It’s even one thing to have buddies buy a lap dance and him to sit through it.  It’s another thing to get it for yourself because it’s something that you want to enjoy.  I don’t blame you for being upset.

Post # 15
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Hcrab81:  Agreed, “don’t ask don’t tell” only works when there is no chance the other party won’t find out third hand. Finding out third hand is always worse than being told directly.

Post # 16
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Hcrab81:  I wholeheartedly believe that because your wedding is less than a month away you are irrationally stressing over small stuff.  In five years, you’ll look back and say “yeesh, I can’t believe I stressed over that!”

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