(Closed) Fiance left after I drug my feet on setting a date. Feeling powerless.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Hmmm this is a tough one.

Firstly.. make sure that you are missing her and not just that you don’t feel right being alone.  I know that’s horrible to say but you don’t want to try and woo her back only to break up again 6 months down the track.  I understand the work stress and that does to a relationship, but really internalise what you guys can do to fix that situation and move forward.

Perhaps write her a letter telling her how much you love her and the reasons you were dragging your feet?  It leaves the ball in her court too so it doesn’t come across as intimidating. Put effort into it, get nice paper and handwrite it.  Perhaps get someone to drop it off to her with flowers or something meaningful to you two.  It lets her read your feelings without a confrontation that might make things worse and allows her to ponder on it before replying.  

Good luck! 

Post # 4
3239 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

No offense… But five years and a proposal later you really ought to have been in that place of being present, open and vulnerable at least by the time you proposed. She was working too much after you got back to focus on your relationship? Bullshit. She he did her job to bring money and stability to your relationship. 

It sounds like you proposed when you really didn’t mean you wanted a marriage, you wanted your relationship to stay the same. That is not fair. You needed to shit or get off the pot, and I’m sorry but the pot walked away, and that doesn’t have an easy fix. I am not saying she was totally blameless – communication takes two people – but honestly I can see where she is coming from.


Post # 5
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I know this is a difficult situation to go through but get ready for some tough love from this bee!

You said…

“Part of me is upset that she didn’t give me a clear enough warning to change”

This really bothered me. She shouldn’t have to make it clear that certain things need to change 12 times before you actually decide to change them. You should have considered her thoughts and feelings on the situation (or any situation) as soon as she brought them up. Whether she was being reasonable about them or not can only be decided between the two of you. But it sounds like you felt she would always be there, even when she told you she wouldn’t.

I can’t blame her for leaving because I understand why she did it. How big/clear of a warning did you want? From the sound of things, she has told you how she felt and exactly what she wanted out of your wedding/relationship. The fact that you didn’t feel the need to really listen to her is your own fault. I’m sorry I’m being so harsh… but it’s true.

You can’t just ignore her feelings, as she’s making them “clear” over and over again, and only do something about it when she decides to leave you. If it took something THAT big for you to understand that a change needs to be made, and finally get that fire under your butt to want to fix things, you should figure out if you even want to be with this girl. Don’t get her back and hurt her all over again. Decide for your sake, and hers, that staying together really is the best thing for the two of you.

Post # 6
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Dylan28:  I’m a little confused… Did you “drag your feet” because you didn’t want a fancy wedding and she did or because you needed a deeper level of vulnerability or whatever you call it? I’m not sure I got what’s the reason you postponed discussions about the wedding …  

Post # 10
148 posts
Blushing bee

But why would you propose to her if you felt the relationship wasn’t what you thought it should be before getting married?  It sounds a bit like you shot yourself in the foot there.

“in the past we both talked down about traditional marriage and thought it was a way for insecure people to find security thru a legal and religious bind”

Yet you still proposed marriage to her? 

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Post # 11
4925 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

So, you aren’t ready to be married, but you asked her to marry you….

Sorry but no. The things that are bothering you are all very internal things. By that, I mean that everything is based on your perception and you are not at all considering her. That’s something you would have had to change a long time ago. I think it’s too little too late. 

Post # 12
1119 posts
Bumble bee

Dylan28:  I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now. 5 years is a long time of being with someone, maybe she just needs some space and wants you to realize you need to make some changes. ive only been with my husband for 4.5 years and we are completely comfortable with eachother he is truly my bestfriend so if you two were living together I’m not sure why you guys werent totally comfortable with one another. It sounds like one of you holds back a little and it’s damaging your relationship. I would just give her space and maybe send her flowers after a week with a sweet note reminding her you will always love her. 

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