(Closed) Fiance left after I drug my feet on setting a date. Feeling powerless.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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Dylan28:  

Ok, I do understand there’s always somehing to work on a relationship. Therefore it can’t be perfect when you get married. But there has to be a common understanding of terms… Sure: planning a wedding is event planning, but it it an event that was for BOTH of you, and I’m assuming that her excitement about it came from how much she cared about YOU. Listen, there are thousands of ways to bond over wedding planning, however fancy, simple, big or small you want to make it. And in a sense, planning your wedding also reveals a lot about your communication skills and problem solving as a couple. 

Now, about your everyday life: Come on! If you weren’t working on your issues when she addressed them, how did you expect “your love to overcome everything with time”? It’s not 90 second rice that you just shove in the oven and do absolutely nothing about it.

And in regards to her work, “not realizing you were going to miss her that much” is called Real Life. Good for you for that trip to Europe. But you will not be living in a trip to Europe for the rest of your lives. 

 

Anyway… I don’t want to be reactive and respond thoroughly to all of your points, because I’d be echoing what many bees have said and supported so far. I’m just curious about something:

In specific, tangible terms WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM HER? No, and “work on the relationship” isn’t an answer. Be specific. What does that mean for you anyway?

Did you ever aske in specific terms for what you wanted? what was your response?

Listen… Yo have been REALLY vague with us. And we can all pull our best guesswork and try to give you advice, unless you work with us for a second and speak in mundane, down-to-earth terms and cut the philosophical, hipstery jargon. 

Post # 48
Member
9581 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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Dylan28:  I don’t think she’s the one for you if you both wanted to see fundamental changes in each other or in the relationship. You should want to marry the person for who they are NOW. I say let it go, reflect, learn, heal, and eeventually get out there again. 

Post # 49
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I see you are getting pretty flamed, but I feel for you because I think you are consumed by anxiety and really need some help. I don’t know that you can get this girl back, or if you even should. If, after 5 years of being together, and 4 months of engagement, you weren’t communicating well and were arguing on a near daily basis, I don’t see that there’s much worth salvaging.

Being engaged for 4 months is not a long time. Being engaged for 4 months without setting a date while arguing about the style of the wedding is unusual & a sign that you will not make a good marriage. 

You wanted to be happy and open. I think that is critical in a relationship as well. So, you (as a couple) weren’t happy. And you weren’t open. These are huge problems. You asked a woman to marry you, then shut down when she said, “Yes.” That is not what a happy man does. You were not happy in this relationship. Forget about getting her back. You didn’t make her happy (because otherwise she wouldn’t have left), and she didn’t make you happy (because otherwise you would not have freaked when you got engaged). 

“I wanted to elope, because we had created this box around ourselves where we weren’t sharing our time with friends and family and I felt that come wedding day (had we committed to a date) that I wouldn’t be able to be present ENOUGH and that in the future I would look back on that important day and either be mad at myself for not being as joyful and open as I know I’m capable, which I feared in turn would start a negative pattern of thinking/regret/doubt in the future after the marriage. “<br /><br />Weddings often suck. I know many happily married couples who have had great marriages and had miserable weddings. Whenever you get married, you will probably feel overwhelmed or stressed at different points on the wedding day. If you pick the right girl, it won’t matter b/c you’ll get to laugh with her about all the shenanigans when the party is done. You can be stressed out together, excited together, and plan the thing together. Maybe you can even get a girl who wants to elope! Some people do. You probably should have made it clear early on that you want to get married, but without a big wedding. 

A 5-year long relationship shouldn’t feel like a box, and by that point, you should be frequently spending time as a couple with friends and family. I don’t know what made you want to continue the isolation by eloping, rather than ending the isolation and inviting friends and family to share your celebration. I don’t think isolation is healthy, and I think all couples need support to make it in this world. In your next relationship, ditch the box.

Finally, you really sound like you torture yourself with doubts. If you have a condition such as OCD or severe anxiety, please seek counseling or other help. 

Post # 51
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

I wanted to see some big differences before I could relax fully into the relationship.

You need to relax fully into the relationship to allow those big differences to come in. big differences don’t come into a tight, stressed environment. Use this endless faith you have to believe that the relationship will evolve exactly on track and with maybe a little less meddling from you and your endless thoughts. Get out of your head. How on earth are you *present* when you are in your mind so darn much?

Post # 52
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I don’t agree with the statements that she was not for you because you were both fundamentally different. I don’t see what you’ve said that inclined you were fundamentaly different. You being a simple guy and her wanting something fancier is not a fundamental difference between two individuals. At least not in my dictionary. I also don’t agree that you necessarily need to let go of her because you must be in love with the person the way they are nowEspecially when you see a potential in the person and you know he/she has the quality and can be a better version of themselves. Also, going through this sort of “transformation” with my Fiance, it takes time and devotion from both sides. That’s why I said in my previous post that communication is you main problem. I can add also the lack of understanding and readiness to compromise. From both sides. So, AGAIN, sit her down and discuss. See if you’re on the same page and willing to change for each other. Both of you! And if you think she really holds back and does not want to share her thoughts with you, then be the one to initiate the conversation! 

I just hate all the comments telling you she’s not the one for you! People, you don’t even know them. You don’t know how they are with each other. How can you make a such a drastic conclusion after for 5 years it seemed to work for them. That’s more time than some marriages last, so they must have done something right …

Dylan, I start understanding you more and more with each of your posts. You’re a very rational person. So am I! Do I question every move I make — sure as hell I do! Did I ask myself 23983813 times whether my Fiance is the right one. SURE I did. Multiple times. Did I want him to change for the time we were together — hell yea — and I was vocal about it! Did he want ME to change — yes, maybe — but just as your Fiance he would never ever talk about it, he’d say he’s fine when I see that there were things that bother him, small things that I knew would affect us in the future. So, instead of me complaining he wouldn’t tell me anything, I started proactively changing myself, so I can fit his perfect ideal of a wife. And today we are stronger and better than ever. We are an amazing team. We came to a mutual ground that satisfies both of us. I guess what I’m trying to say is that being different than your partner does not necessarily make the relationship/marriage impossible. It makes it harder and a lot more work, but certainly not impossible.

So, be proactive. You’ve been with the girl for 5 years, you must know what she wants. Prove to her you are willing to work as a team and you are willing to change. But make sure you’re not the only one making the compromises. Call her and talk about your issues OPENLY. After all openness is what you want, right …

 

Post # 53
Member
666 posts
Busy bee

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Dylan28:  I don’t know if asking a group of 20 something  women set on having their pretty princess day is going to give you answers you are looking for.  I agree with you that the focus should be on the marriage, not the wedding.  The population here will most likely not support that.  Good luck!

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by  .
Post # 54
Member
636 posts
Busy bee

Jesus, you sound exhausting.

All your vague semi-philosophical musings are just clouding the issue. From what I can tell, you didn’t want to get married *until* you felt perfectly and completely ‘open, joyful, celebratory, etc’ in the relationship. And yet you proposed. A proposal IS “I want to get married”. So, you said “I want to get married”, then you almost immediately turned around and said “not really”. That’s fucking cruel.

You’re also incredibly contradictory. You keep saying that a wedding is just a mile marker on a longer journey – AND YET, it was apparently wildly important to you that you feel super especially ‘open and present’ *on the exact day of the wedding* – that thing that you keep saying wasn’t really all that important, and was just a mile marker. If it’s just a mile marker, and not that critical, then why do you need to feel especially and perfectly and wonderfully whatever? If you do need all those things, then it’s clearly NOT JUST A FREAKING MILE MARKER.

Deciding that you want to marry someone (which you apparently didn’t do, even though you proposed) shouldn’t require the cosmos to align in perfect synchronisity with your complete presence. It’s a realization SIMPLY that you do in fact want to spend the rest of your life with someone, and you’re willing to commit yourself to that. Honestly, it’s a damn simple question. If you can’t say “yes” to that without the trumpets blaring from heaven and a magical vacation to Europe, then maybe the answer is just really “no”.

And here’s a nasty thought – what if you felt that, all that perfect openness and presentness and amazing super specialness, so you said “YES, Let’s DO IT, it FEELS RIGHT!”….and then the next day didn’t feel so super special perfect open present whatever? What if 2 weeks after that, or 2 months, it was just a mundane Tuesday, and you were both stressed from work and maybe the car broke down and you’re snippy with each other and the day just kind of sucks – will you decide then, because it’s not completely open, present, perfect, special and wonderful that maybe you shouldn’t really be married?

Marriage is committing. You sound for damn sure like you weren’t actually ready to do that.

You also sound like you’re trying to attain some super special perfect feeling of whatever, and in doing so you’re doing a lot more ‘waiting for the moment’ than just LIVING THE DAMN MOMENT. Here’s a secret – the best, most amazing, most meaningful moments in life are often the ones that we don’t even realize are until after they have passed – sometimes long after. They aren’t the ones that feel OOH, AHH, SUPER PRESENT – they are just moments. Then later, you realize their significance, and they stay with you and build the fabric of the amazing life you could be living.

Part of life has just passed you by. Don’t keep making the same mistake.

Post # 55
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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Dylan28:  You don’t sound hipster to me but you do sound rather immature, a bit self-centered and new-agey.

You’re all over the map.  A good vacation prompts you to propose.  A disagreement about wedding details prompts you to put the brakes on.  You propose marriage but then get distant and want to see big changes in the relationship? 

You are either ready for a lifetime commitment or you’re not.  

You keep going on about happiness and joy and while those are good things it’s not humanly possible to be in a state of bliss every minute of every day.  Not singing together isn’t a reason to refuse to set a wedding date.  I’m not suggesting you should overlook or ignore anything you feel is a real problem – only that you realize that NO relationship is problem and disagreement free.  No human life is all happiness all the time.  

Do you really love this girl? Are you sure you want too and are ready to make a lifetime commitment to her because it honestly doesn’t sound like it.  You don’t seem very comfortable in the relationship.  You seem to take its temperature every five minutes and if things aren’t perfect you seem to interpret that as a sign of major problems.  

You also don’t seem to register what is important to her.  Unless she went all Bridezilla then I think it was rather blind of you not to realize that taking vows in front of your friends and family is deeply significant.  Beyond that, you just seemed focus on your thought and opinions and wants and are somewhat blind to hers. I’d be willing to bet that she thinks she DID try to communicate with you but that you just didn’t hear it.  

I’m not trying to bash you and of course I can’t know the intracasies of your relationship.  You don’t seem like a bad guy.  If you want to try to get her back, maybe just ask to see her casually.  Or ask her to help you understand what went wrong, what you missed and really listen to her.  

But before that, really ask yourself if you are willing to make HER happy.  If you can give and compromise without resentment.  Occasionally put her needs and wants ahead of your own.   If you truly love HER and have real faith in and commitment to the relationship you had.  If, after five years – you have doubts, then it’s probably best that you both move on.  

Post # 56
Member
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I dated a guy who reminds me of OP once. I left him after a month or so, though. He was just a regular guy with regular guy fears, concerns and motivations. But he needed to describe everything on this existential level. He would never ever admit to things like “honestly, I’m sorry I behaved that way, I guess I was just a little jealous” or “I’m just plain old not ready for this level of commitment” or “I thought we had agreed on X, but I’m confused because we suddently seem to be on two different pages.” It was always something I wasn’t doing to make his inner this line up with his universal that. I was therefore expected to remain in a relationship where I got about half of what I wanted hanging on to the hope that one day whatever vague and unquanitfiable characteristic would eventually appear in our relationship and make the guy start acting right.  

I couldn’t take it. I left and have literally never seen or heard from him since. He was a nice guy, and I guess I could’ve stuck around for years and made the most of it but I’m glad I left. I definitely found better [for me].

I feel awful for her if OP’s ex-fiancee spent 5 years of her life putting up with this kind of thing. I applaud her for realizing that finding happiness was her own responsiblity and that she deserved a man who would (1) realize that all her concerns warranted serious consideration, not just the ones he finds sufficiently “big” (2) loves her more than the rhetorical idea of how love should look (3) is mature enough to articulate his concerns rather than stonewalling about something as important as wedding planning and (4) will only propose if he actually means it. 

Oh, and just so I’m not skipping over OP’s question: You don’t seem ready for marriage to her or anybody. Let her go be happy. And you do the same. 

Post # 57
Member
3724 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

“in the past we both talked down about traditional marriage and thought it was a way for insecure people to find security thru a legal and religious bind”<br />

I’ve never heard of this line of thinking. I’m quite content to be insecure on my own. It’s when I found a partner that made me feel my best when I was with him that I wanted to get married. It was because I loved him. Not because we needed to cling to each other for our own piteous reasons.

Post # 58
Member
20 posts
Newbee

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Dylan28:  I’m sorry you’re hurting right now, and I commend you for trying to figure out what went wrong. But I think you need to prepare yourself that this is over. Didn’t you say you’d already broken up once before and you won her back? I think that was your second chance, I’m sorry to say. By all means, see if she will talk to you at some stage for closure, but I suspect this is it. I wish you all the best on your journey of discovery.

Post # 59
Member
1506 posts
Bumble bee

I keep reading how you wanted to elope and you wanted this and that…. but she is half of the partnership! Why did it take her leaving you to realize that you should have compromised? If it was so important to her to have a wedding she could plan, to celebrate your shared love, why were you so stubborn about eloping? You say you didn’t want her caught up in the fanfare of planning a wedding, but really, so what? Who cares if she throws herself into planning a happy occasion? I think you were hoping for a perfect partner and what you got was a real person. Who makes mistakes, doesn’t always communicate well, and has her own thoughts and feelings.

What are you prepared to change in order to win her back? What are you willing to do differently?

Post # 60
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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squishee: That is clearly NOT the point anyone was trying to make… Not all these bees are 20 something girls who only care about a wedding. I think you’re the only one who missed the point.

 

Dylan28: It sounds like you both just need some time apart to focus on yourselves. If you can’t be happy on your own, in your own mind, no one else is ever going to make you happy. How old are you guys? I can understand having expectations for your life and becoming disappointed when they don’t go according to how you thought they should. But I agree with the others, thats life! Once you can allow YOURSELF to let go and be more open and vulnerable in your daily routine, then you can allow someone else in to complete you. 

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