Fiance lied about soliciting prostitution in his past (long)

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 91
Member
324 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

So heads up that I haven’t read all six pages. I am pro-sex work (which is very different than human trafficking) – my best friend is a sex worker (fairly high-end, part of an independent sex workers co-op, yup that’s a thing). A LOT of men hire sex workers and don’t admit it. It’s amazing how frequently men learn that my friend is a sex worker, and all of a sudden tell me about the one trip they took to a massage palour in New Orleans, or that one time they went to a brothel during a lads night in Vegas. I would have zero problem dating a man who had previously hired women for sex – I don’t think there is anything wrong with it as long as you are clear the women are in control of their own work. 

HOWEVER – I have a major issue with people who lie and/or are ashamed about themselves. I call complete BS on the fact that he didn’t realise sex workers in SE Asia were trafficked COME ON. The standard narrative about prostitution is that women are forced into it – there is no way he grew up in SE Asia thinking that women went into sex work as a legitimate career choice. 

Also, it is very important to me that my partner shares my values. For ME that means being okay with sex work because my best friend is a sex worker. For you that may mean not engaging in casual sex. That doesn’t mean you are judgemental about people who have casual sex, it just means you want a partner who doesn’t view sex casually – and that’s completely okay. The fact that he pretended to share your values, and he really doesn’t, feels gross. 

If he actually does regret the whole thing and does view sex as something to be shared only with serious partners that means that he apparently has no control over his dick (not a great quality). 

I dunno Bee, I’m not saying run, but it sounds like he has some SERIOUS issues to sort out, and it is completely okay if you decide you don’t think you can get past this. 

Post # 92
Member
2722 posts
Sugar bee

You’ve already gotten a lot of advice. I’ll just say: I think you can do better, and I think you’ll have a really hard time moving past this and trusting him now that the trust is broken. Regardless of how you feel about sex work, this isn’t the first time he’s lied to you and this is a pretty major thing to withhold. If you were married and this were coming out I might say to continue counseling, but you’re not. You can still start fresh. Is this really how you want to go into marriage? 

Post # 93
Member
486 posts
Helper bee

I just want to say I think these are red flags. Lying is a huge red flag.  Maybe because I woke up to a text from a friend who found out her bf of 3 years has been cheating on her and engaging in misogynistic texts with his friends, or maybe a flashback to my first real relationship where every 2 years he’d have new confessions to come clean with….nope. Just nope! Trust is important to go into marriage with and I don’t advise going into it just hoping for the best.

Post # 94
Member
13386 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@stargazer37  Everything else aside, I’d put fertility visits and TTC on the far back burner. In your place, with this guy, forever, but if that’s something you can’t or won’t commit to, for now. 

Post # 95
Member
2659 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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@stargazer37  yea, this is a really big lie. This shows a fundamental difference in values between the two of you. That’s why he hid it from you. He knew that you wouldn’t approve. You wouldn’t have dated him to begin with if you knew this. That is why he lied. I don’t trust that he is who he says he is. He seemed like a good match to you — but that person wasn’t real. I know this is really disappointing to you but it’s good that you found out now before you got married. 

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