- 6 years ago
Before I start, I want to say that my fiance is awesome in so many ways. But something happened last night that I just can’t shake and I’m really worried that it’s a red flag.
Background: we’ve been together for 2 1/2 years, officially living together full time for the last few months, though he has basically stayed at my place almost full time for the last 2 years. In the past, I’ve noticed that he doesn’t like to tell me the truth about things he thinks I’ll get upset about. A few months ago, I found out (because he left some mail around) that he had a debt that he had been ignoring. I had asked him about it before and he assured me that he was on top of it, but as it turned out, he wasn’t. We had a big talk about him lying to me and I said that I needed 100% honesty from him. He promised he would never lie to me again, and I believed him, forgave him and we moved on.
Last night, I walked into the bedroom to find him on his laptop on Facebook. He was looking at a page with four pictures of himself. I thought that was weird, because I know he doesn’t have those pictures on his FB account, but he clicked the page closed as soon as I walked in. I asked him about it and he said it was nothing. I pressed the issue and he said “oh, it’s a friend’s FB page with pictures of me.” I said, “Show me.” He pulled up FB and pretended to look for the friend. When he couldn’t come up with anyone, I said, “Tell me the truth” and he admitted that it was from his own FB page, a second profile that I knew nothing about. He said he “forgot” that he had it and that he mostly had old coworkers on it.
I got suspicious and he offered to let me go through it. So I did. He pulled it up and signed in. I checked through his messages, which were all innocent, just messages to friends that I already knew he had, and then checked his activity log, which showed that he had signed in at least once a month for the last two years. The activity was also all innocent. He’d comment something innocuous on a friend’s picture or update his status with something he’d put on his regular FB. His marital status was engaged. I also checked through his friends list and he didn’t have anyone obviously bad on it – no ex girlfriend or like, sexy girl pictures or anything. He then offered to let me go through his phone and email, but I declined.
After going through the FB, he volunteered to delete it and then did. I was really upset and crying, though, and we had a big talk about it and I told him that I couldn’t marry someone who I couldn’t trust and that if I caught him lying to me again, it was over. He agreed, swore up and down that he wasn’t cheating and promised not to lie in the future.
I’m just worried that this is a huge red flag. Do I think he’s actually cheating on me? No. Do I think he’s having inappropriate conversations with other women? Not really. But I feel like I can’t be sure. The rational part of me is like, the only reason to have a secret FB account is to cheat or look for opportunities to cheat. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t just add those friends to his regular FB page. I’ve never been especially jealous, I’ve always let him know that I’m totally cool with him having female friends, especially since I have lots of totally innocent friendships with guys. I don’t check up on him when he’s hanging out with his female friends or anything, so it’s not like he’s worried that I’ll freak out if he’s having an innocent chat with an old friend, male or female.
I guess my problem is not even so much that the second FB page exists, but that he lied about it to my face when I had so obviously caught him, and that he then continued to lie by saying he “forgot he even had it.” I really want to move on and trust him not to lie in the future, but I need some objective advice. Am I being an idiot if I forgive him and try to trust him again? Or is this a big enough deal that I should be seriously reconsidering my relationship with him?