Fiance made out with another woman at a wedding, looking for advise.

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
1159 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

I don’t know if I’d end my relatonship over this, but there would be some very clear stipulations to me staying, such as no more drinking when we aren’t out together and we’d be in couple’s therapy immediately. If those weren’t agreed to, I’d be out. Sorry, Bee. This must be so heartbreaking.

Post # 17
Member
617 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry this happened. This would be a huge red flag for me. If you want to stay with this guy you need to have some serious talks about why he did it and what he’s going to do to make it up to you going forward. 

Post # 18
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

A lot of ladies here saying to make him promise not to drink anymore if you’re going to stay… but honestly? I’d say that if you are put in a position where you need to create rules for your adult partner, is it a relationship that is actually healthy and worthwhile? Essentially, these ladies are (unintentionally, I’m sure) putting the onus on you to control your husbands behaviour, and that isn’t right. He is a grown man and ought to be able to behave like one without YOU forcing him to. 

I agree with several of the other posters here saying that he likely only fessed up because you were going to find out anyways and he wanted to get out ahead of it. Alcohol doesn’t make you flirst with a woman all evening and then make out with her.. it merely lowers your inhibitions that cause you to take pause and consider the consequences.

I would seriously reconsider this relationship and would most certainly put the engagement on pause. Personally, trust is such a fundamental part of my relationship that I don’t think I could continue in it if that trust was broken. Some people are more willing to accept breaches of trust than others, and that’s up to you to decide, but you need to know yourself well enough to know whether you are willing and able to be in a relationship where you can’t fully trust your partner. I know I’m not. I would never want to be in a position where I had to tell my husband where he could go or who he could go out with, or that he can or can’t drink. No friggin way.

Post # 19
Member
4397 posts
Honey bee

First piece of advice is stop referring to this person as your fiance.  Cease all wedding planning and decide your next course of action based on his actions – is he joining AA? Getting counseling? 

Second piece of advice is stop being so gullible.  Alcohol doesn’t make you do things you don’t want to do – it just lowers your inhibitions.

Third piece of advice is get yourself tested for  STDs.  This is only the the first time he has told you about.  Don’t trust a person who gets blackout drunk and sticks his body parts in other women to be entirely truthful.  How do you know he hasn’t gotten “blackout drunk” on other occasions that didn’t have witnesses?

Post # 20
Member
6325 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I know that many people take issue with this, but I firmly believe that no one does anything drunk that they didn’t want to do sober. Much like no one starts tossing around racial epithets while drunk if they never thought and/or used them sober. Alcohol doesn’t change who a person IS, it just makes them moreso. And blackout drunk would mean he had no recollection and would have been shocked when someone told him what he did. That’s not the case. He conveniently remembered what he did when reminded in order to try to do damage control.

On that basis, the alcohol is no excuse at all. He confessed to you because he knew he would be caught; do you think a man who ignored the friend who tried to stop him and persisted in doing something he knew full well was wrong would have come crying to you if he thought he could get away with it? It isn’t easy to hear, and it will be even harder to do, but walk away. You teach people how to treat you, and if you accept his “apology” here, he will know he can get away with anything as long as he puts on a good enough show of being “sorry”.

Post # 21
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee

As other bees said the engagement should be on hold and sobriety be insisted upon. I like the pp idea of a std test as well because trust has been damaged. You have to protect yourself. I do have a friend who had this exact same thing happen to her. And they did get through it. These would be my conditions of the minimum I would need to continue to work through this but I do think you have every right to walk away as well. This relationship has become very risky if you choose to try to work through it. 

Post # 22
Member
25 posts
Newbee

I don’t know why but the fact that he came to tell you at your workplace makes this even worse (assuming “at your office” means he came to your workplace-correct me if i got that wrong.) So he made a huge mistake and then compounded it by telling you about it at a completely inappropriate time in a completely inappropriate place. It seems manipulative to me to do it in this manner. I would personally take this as the perfect opportunity to walk away from this. 

Post # 23
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee

The woman didn’t like saunter up to him out of nowhere and lay a kiss on him. (NEWSFLASH: Most people, especially women, don’t do this). He chatted her up all night first. He went out onto a patio. Someone tried to intervene. 

One thing I know is sometimes people cheat during the engagement phase as a sort of self-sabatoging out becaues they have cold feet.  See, e.g. all the people who cheat like the night before and/or with someone in the wedding party (why the person in the wedding party participates, I have no idea). Instead of honestly facing and working through those emotions and doubts, they sort of just try to let an error like this force the situation.  I’m NOT saying this is an excuse, merely an explanation, and it’s not a comforting one at all. But it’s something to think about. 

Post # 24
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I try to not whip out the “dump him” card unnecessarily, but holy crap, Bee, this is a massive red flag. Do not marry him! 

I personally believe that infidelity can be forgiven, albeit very rarely, but there’s no way this would fly with me. One month into an engagement, the guy should be beaming sunshine out his asshole because he’s so in love with you. You deserve so much better than a guy who will not only cheat on you, but do so in a really disrespectful way (in front of a freaking audience! of people you know!). Embarrassing your partner like that is just obnoxiously selfish. 

If my husband went to a wedding without me right after we got engaged, I’d expect some sweet messages about how he can’t wait for our own wedding—not him tongue-wrestling some rando in front of our friends. Like Hell. 

Post # 25
Member
902 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

This happened to a friend of mine, his fiance made out with another guy (his “friend) at a wedding a month before their own wedding.  Tons of people saw, and my friend found out about it.  She apologized, blamed the alcohol and they proceeded to get married.

She cheated on him multiple times before finally leaving him for another guy 2 years into marriage.  I felt bad for my friend, but he should have never married her in the first place.

How long have you been with your fiance?  If it hasn’t been very long, I’d most certainly walk away.  If it’s been a long time and this is the first time he strayed, I’d postpone the wedding and work on things.  For example, if he agrees to not drink anymore, or only when with you, or whatever it is that makes you feel comfortable because you shouldn’t be marrying someone you’re not sure about.  

Post # 26
Member
3677 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

bretagne422 :  Everything she said!!!

OP, I can’t really say it any better than the other bees, please re-read bretagne422’s post like 3 or 4 times… and maybe go through your FI’s phone to find out which one of your friends you should thank for forcing him to tell you that he’s a scumbag. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but don’t let this become a pattern. If he did this now, I promise you he’ll do it again and it sucks a lot more to get divorced than it does to end an engagement. 

Post # 27
Member
2513 posts
Sugar bee

Would he say then, that he was fondling her while at the same time, seeing you? Was she wearing your perfume, your height and body build, your laugh? Was it your kiss?

You are entitled to a span of time before you decide anything about this man, and for your sake and your value to yourself as a woman, you will have to carefully consider whether you could let this go. People in my life who have experienced that much alcohol in their systems have either vomited or passed out. Making a pass while really blitzed is much harder.

Post # 28
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I would be out, if I was in your shoes. Having spent 10 years in a relationship with a man that I couldn’t fully trust because of prior transgressions, I wouldn’t be willing to do it again. Ever.

I’m sorry this happened, but you’re so lucky you found out before your wedding rather than after you’d already married him!

Post # 29
Member
6037 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

slomotion :  All of this!

OP- you should definitely dump him. Not only for the fact that he was a drunken fool making out with someone else at a ceremony that should have reminded him of YOU since the two of you are supposed to be engaged. I would also dump him because he’s the kind of asshat who goes to someone else’s WEDDING and gets blackout drunk. That’s sloppy teenage shit. 

and LOL at him running to you crying. Dumbass. He knew he was caught.

Post # 30
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

Being blackout drunk is a piss-poor excuse, and certainly not a get-out-of-jail-free card. I’ve blacked out before and so has my fiancé, neither of us even remotely behaved inappropriately with someone else. A drunk person doesn’t cheat unless cheating is already a part of their character. I personally would leave him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life worrying every time he has a sip of alcohol? Because that’s what will happen. No man is worth that kind of stress. 

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