(Closed) Fiancé may have tried to cheat/things online in the past

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

A relationship is nothing without trust. I would definitely have a conversation with him about this and get it out there how you doubt the foundation of the relationship. If he is dismissive or gets angry, then the right thing to do is to leave him and move on. MUCH easier said than done, I realize, and I’m not trying to casually suggest your dump your Fiance. But this really is on him, not on you. If he tries to turn this into you eing insecure or invading his privacy or anything like that, he is trying to manipulate you. Honestly, the whole situation makes me uneasy. It is much easier to overlook red flags when you’re excited about a wedding or don’t want to disappoint everyone’s expectations about the wedding. It’s a lot harder to deal with potential infidelity when you are alone at night with a baby and aren’t sure where your DH is…

Post # 3
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

For me, if  I am out with my date and he looks another woman up and down, like at her back, he is disrespecting me. I would like to throw my drink at him! I would not go out with him any further. It is the same if he does it when I am not there – it is disrespect, I do not have his heart. Now sometimes a man is a flirt. Sometimes a man if he is the type will flirt without realizing at the moment what he is doing. But if my man sent a picture of himself to another, and was talking sexy on messages, that is disrespect. It’s not on accident. He sought it and thought of it. So, what about you. Do you find it is disrespect? Yes or no, I think you know the answer. For me it is better to be alone than to be treated by a man like this even for just one night. Forget a whole life, and raising his babies? no. Better to be alone and with respect.  

Post # 4
Member
11303 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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stripthatdown :  

Guys respond to sex ads in Craigslist just for the ‘thrill’?  No intent?  Oh, come ON.

The circumstantial evidence here is pretty compelling.

There is no logic whatsoever in the notion that since he didn’t do it before (that you know of), he couldn’t have done it this time.

OP, you’re making excuses and twisting logic all over the place to make this not what it is.  You have to sit down and discuss this with your SO and get to the truth, even if it’s very ugly.  You’re afraid to bring it up because *he* might get mad?  WTF?  Of course he’ll get mad.  He’ll be mad that he got caught.

Do you really think it’s possible to build a life and have a healthy relationship with someone and have them never get mad at you?

Post # 5
Member
1127 posts
Bumble bee

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sassy411 :  amen.

 

It is what it looks like.

Post # 6
Member
11303 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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megrays :  

Occam’s Razor.

Post # 7
Member
15 posts
Newbee

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sassy411 :  

 

the easiest explanation is the one we don’t want to believe. 

Post # 8
Member
20 posts
Newbee

I’m afraid there’s a big chance it is exactly what it looks like.. and if it does transpire that it’s not, it’s still massively disrespectful to you.

My ex emotionally cheated on me more than once. He tried to meet people and claimed he didn’t go through with it. I found out myself too. He tried to tell me that each time he did it was because he wasn’t sure we were going to work out. It’s a terrible excuse! You don’t want someone who as soon as things seem difficult they’ve got to check whether the grass is greener elsewhere.

My reasoning was, what happens when I’m 7 months pregnant? Or really sick? Or we fall out over something trivial? Do I really have to lie there and wonder whether he’s granted himself a hall pass to sniff elsewhere?

Also I’m unsure how I feel about the fact he tells you he’s just curious.. yet still tries to justify himself. Surely that means there was some intent?

 

 

Post # 9
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Personally, if I had lost trust in a partner for any reason, I’d have to end the relationship. I’d spend the rest of my life feeling insecure and constantly checking up on them. That’s my idea of hell. Do you feel like you can move past it?

If you want any chance of moving forward, you need to address all the things you have mentioned with him and you need straight answers. As a PP said, if he gets angry/evades, he’s manipulating you. He has to understand that you need to work through this for closure.

I’m not trying to be a doom-monger – my friend’s BF actually cheated on her while she was on holiday with family (together 3 years) – they split for 6 months and got back together and are now expecting their first child. They are blissfully happy and she has no doubts or insecurities at all. They had several long conversations in that 6 month split.

Post # 10
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

View original reply
stripthatdown :  I’m sorry Hun but he is looking for sex outside what you have. And you will never be able to give him what he wants. Because what he wants is not commitment or love. This is how it starts. He will tell you the things you want to hear And because you love them you want to believe them. He will tell you anything you want to hear, it’s the first time, it didn’t mean anything, it’s because of a problem in your relationship that is because of you, he will never do it again, you’re the love of his life.

The other thing that is a red flag is that you really haven’t been able to move past this. Deep down you don’t trust him and you don’t believe that he is telling the truth. Trust that gut instinct.  it is the thing that is the truth in this situation, and the only thing you should trust. Don’t settle for anything less than respect. Don’t let him gas light you. He might try to turn the table and say things to you like you’re getting cold feet, you’ve been looking for an excuse to leave, he knew that you were lying when you said you were willing to try, you’ve never wanted this to work, this is why he doesn’t feel good enough for you etc. 

 

he didn’t stop what he was doing because he loves you and hated doing this to your relationship. He stopped because he got caught. 

 

this is your life. You get the choice to stay or leave. There are plenty of decent people out there. You have to decide if he is one of them. 

Post # 11
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - UK

hmm, there is a red flag or two in this story. I would definitely not get married if you where not 100% comfortable with his past experiments.

I mean i can understand the curiosity if he has never met a prostitutes before, its a bit like returning an email to that Nigerian prince to see what they would reply. But three times? That playing with fire. And if it was just curiosity why did he not talk to you about it. Surely that is what best friends do, talk about the weird stuff they are curios about? (I have always been of the opinion that husband and wife should also be best friends)

I think this might need couples counseling before getting married, trust issues can lead to a lot of resentment on both sides and should be dealt with as soon as possible.  

Post # 12
Member
3235 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

To clear this up “trying to cheat” is cheating.

Post # 14
Member
5771 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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stripthatdown :  Well if it makes any difference.. he’s from another country so he could just be curious because they’re white?

What??

You seem unwilling to accept the fact that he is doing all he can to cheat on you.

It might have been ‘doing something stupid’ if it was once, but he was consciously and deliberately trying to sleep with someone other than you. 

Post # 15
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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gembyname :  you couldn’t have said it better 

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