Fiancé might have an STI

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 76
Member
11303 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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louiseey :  

This does not describe a pathological liar, Bee. On what basis did your therapist make that diagnosis?

Post # 77
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

So he’s a pathological liar because he lied about watching porn twice? And you left him because he might have an std (that you may have given to him)?

I’m not really sure I follow. 

Post # 78
Member
5771 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

It seems bizarre that you have kicked him out of the house for having what could be an std but at this stage could easily be something else. Has he done anything else to make you think that he would have cheated?

 There’s obviously a chance that it is a sti but I do find it hard to believe that someone who thought they had a disease from cheating on their fiancé would bring said fiancé into the doctors office.

Post # 80
Member
5556 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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louiseey :  

I would not go back to that therapist. You can find one for yourself, or, if you want to continue to do couples counseling, find another one.

I’m not sure how she came up with that diagnosis given your examples. She might not be able to meet the needs that you guys are looking for.

How can he be held accountable for lying if he’s being told it’s not his fault, that he’s a pathological or compulsive liar because his childhood was bad?

It doesn’t make a lot of sense but it’s not your fault. I think you just found a therapist who isn’t qualified in what your relationship needs.

Not your fault! We are just surprised by the therapist

Post # 82
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I’m still not sure that he is a pathological or compulsive liar.  It sounds like you have trust issues (why? Have you been cheated on before? Abandonment issues? Low self esteem?) And this might be causing him to be scared of you flipping out? 

Have you ever been to therapy for yourself alone to work out why you have these trust issues

Post # 83
Member
9396 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

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louiseey :  honestly I don’t really get all the ins and outs based on your posts but frankly it doesn’t matter. Here is what I do get:

– you guys had serious trust issues, serious enough it apparently hurt his work so severely his employment was jeapordized, from pretty early on.  I have to assume it was more than those two or three lies by that point that you listed. Maybe lots of lies about little things? Dunno.

– Everytime he is caught lying his excuse is he thought you’d lose your shit and apparently it’s all because his parents used to lose their shit. You’re being punished for something you never did and I’m skeptical your therapist is helping. I agree with bees she doesn’t sound great. 

– you mistrust him enough you believe he may have cheated on you.

-you mistrust him enough some strangers on the internet was all it took to make you decide to kick him out.

 

Bee, you deserve better.  You deserve a relationship where you trust them enough that none of the above would happen.  Your friends and family are right that good men are hard to come by. Why the fuck they think this man is good for you is beyond me though.

And if it is that you have your own insecurities and trust issues you’re bringing to the table, you and he are an especially poor match.

Post # 84
Member
904 posts
Busy bee

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louiseey :  Okay no where does this scream pathological lying. The issue in the beginnning where he canceled a date for a new video game system? Not really a huge deal, at least he actually cancelled instead of standing you up. 

Now the lie about the coworker is a bit sketchy, but I can also see how your jealousy and insecurity with anything related to other women, porn, etc, makes him clam up. He was wrong for lying but I also think that some of your reactions might be driving him. They were long time friends and your insecurity basically kept him from his friend. 

Seeing a company therapist is not a lie. Should he have felt comfortable about coming to you and disclosing it, yes, but you have also been insecure about some issues so again he might be wondering how you would react to it. 

As for the porn, you told him its okay but then when he does it in private to prevent your feelings from being hurt you jump on him again. See I dont understand your reasoning on that? You want him too, but you want him to tell you when he does it? But in your previous post you said you didnt want him doing it because you put on weight and felt insecure and didnt want him watching skinny women with big breast. You need to own that you are insecure and you dont really want him to watch porn, and even though you say its okay, clearly you arent okay with it. You are sending him mixed signals and my guess is he is afraid to say anything because you might go off.

From where Im sitting he doesnt have a problem lying, you have a problem with insecurity and he is trying to preserve peace by just not opening up. 

You might need to figure out why you are so insecure and why you feel you need to know when he masturabates, why you feel the need to know if he sees a therapist for work. 

Im sorry but I think after your updates the problem isnt all on him. While he shouldnt lie, you also shouldnt be losing your shit and being insecure over his body, his work, his therapy. What happens when someone constantly nags us is that people tend to shut down. Its sort of like someone who is the victim of domestic violence, you begin doing things to forestall the inevitable confrontation. 

ETA: I dont think you should have kicked him out until you had proof he had an STD, and since you didnt get tested prior to entering a relationship with him you dont know if you are the one who gave it to him or not. While I dont think you should have kicked him out, and yes there will be lots of bees who say to do it, you shouldnt have. This poor guy might not have actually done anything and now not only does he have to deal with your insecurity, you have kicked him to the curb when he was being open and honest with you by taking you to the doctor with him. So he cant really win can he?

He doesnt disclose he was seeing a therapist for work and you accuse him of lying, and now he includes you in the process and is being open and honest, and you punish him by kicking him. So if he is honest he gets punished. When people are honest and constantly punished for it, eventually they just stop being honest because they cant win. 

Post # 85
Member
904 posts
Busy bee

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amanda1988 :  – Everytime he is caught lying his excuse is he thought you’d lose your shit and apparently it’s all because his parents used to lose their shit.  

I cant agree with this, because it seems like OP is the one who is losing her shit over simple stuff. She seems to have a lot of insecurities about female friends, porn, when he masturbates, when he had to go to therapy over his job. Eventually people just shut down.  

None of the things he has done that she has listed show him to be of poor character so much as learning how to communcate effectively. If he is hiding things and she is confrontational and insecure, he might be preserving the peace. Its not right, but its also not right for her to project her insecurities on to him. 

Post # 86
Member
13611 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I don’t care what you label it. OP has good reason not to trust what her SO tells her and big lies or small, pathological or just convenient, she has every right to value honesty in a relationship. If she is not sure or not willing to chance a future that would more than likely consist of more of the same, then very simply, she shouldn’t get married. 

Frankly, I’d have been out long ago at canceling a date to play video games. He sounds very immature. 

From the update, he may some mental health challenges to consider and maybe his history and his own vulnerabilities do serve to put him at risk. But this is still your life. It’s not selfish and you would not be without compassion to think about what you’d be dealing with. 

Post # 87
Member
904 posts
Busy bee

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weddingmaven :  They both have issues. Its not just him. She appears insecure and slightly controlling. He has to tell her when he masturbates, that is seriously not okay.  

Him lying is not okay, but her shoving her insecurities on him is not okay either. 

OP needs therapy to deal with her insecurities, and he needs therapy to help him learn to communicate and not shut down when it comes to uncomfortable topics

Post # 88
Member
11303 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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weddingmaven :  

This, exactly.

Do we really want to get to a place where we’re measuring lies?

What will the cutoffs be?  How will we draw the line between little, insignificant lies vs lies suggestive of a disorder or character issue?

How shall we rank them? Would a 10 scale work?

If you stay away from liars, you’re spared all of that.

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louiseey :  If I’m reading this right, SO has been conditioned to tell lies because if he told them the truth about what he did, he got in trouble. Doesn’t that pretty much describe nearly everyone’s childhood?

So, his lies today, which are blessed by your questionable therapist, to avoid getting into trouble.  He’s just trying to protect himself from how he thinks you will react.

Therefore, his lying is all your fault. See how this works?

Unfortunately, for SO and his enabler, it’s bs. He’s a grownup now and doesn’t get to play mommy and daddy games. Part of being an adult is owning up to your behavior and accepting the consequences.

If he thinks that you repeatedly overreact, then this is the wrong relationship for him.  The solution is not to just lie and never tell you about anything that might upset you.  “Oh, pay no attention to that foreclosure notice, it’s all handled”.

The thing with the coworker is a bit sketch.

And, holy crap.  If I found out a guy canceled a date with me so he could play with his shiny new toy, I wouldn’t get upset.  I’d get gone.  I would wish that he and his beloved toy enjoy many blissful years together.  At least until the next new toy.

 

Post # 89
Member
7552 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Y’all need to split up and fix yourselves before you can even think of having a healthy relationship. What a mess.

Post # 90
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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louiseey :  It sounds as if he has a huge fear of confrontation. This is not the same thing as being a pathological liar and if a therapist tells you this, he or she is irresponsible

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