Fiancé might have an STI

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 91
904 posts
Busy bee

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sassy411 :  While I agree with most of what you say, I also think her demanding to know when he masturbates is a bit controlling. Its his body and as long as he is doing it private its none of her business. If this was a guy demanding his SO tell him everytime she had a private moment with herself we would be telling her to run. Also she is jealous and controlling where his female friend/coworker was concerned. Again if this was a guy demanding to know which male co workers were going on a work trip with his female SO we would be telling her to flee. 

I think both of them have issues, they probably do need to break up, but they both need therapy for their issues before they enter into another relationship down the road. 

Post # 94
7131 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I agree with those saying that you might want to find a therapist of your own, OP and/or that you should definitely change the couples therapist you’ve been going to. Your SO may have issues from childhood (so does most of humanity), you may have issues with being insecure (so does most of humanity) but it sounds like each of your individual issues are damaging your relationship and causing further harm to one another and that’s not great.

Him being so distressed at work that his employers said “You need to see a therapist or else.” is a really big deal. You tracking his masturbatory habits and porn watching while saying you support him meeting his own needs but also counting it as offenses against you is also a big deal.

I don’t personally think the lies you listed your SO telling were all that significant, but I do think it’s significant that you can’t tell if you can or should trust him. What it means and what you should do, I don’t know (none of us can really know since we don’t know you or your relationship) but I definitely think it’s something.

ETA- And I can see how you would feel like you can’t win with the variety of responses, but you posted requesting opinions and input- everyone is going to have their own perspective based on their own experiences. Hopefully, you read something that gives you insight or a different perspective into your situation but the final authority in your own life should always be you. No one, external to you, should have more authority over your life and actions than you have.

Good luck and I hope you will keep us posted.

Post # 96
13614 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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louiseey :  Except he didn’t “want a night off.” If so, then he shouldn’t have made plans, in a relatively new relationship at that, in the first place. Rather, he made plans with you, then lied to cancel. To play a stupid video game. 

Yeah, no.

Post # 97
4793 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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louiseey :   I said I don’t care if he does it I just don’t want him lying to my face about it when he’s busted. And I don’t see why he has to do it behind my back. 

Using the word ‘busted’ implies wrong doing in your eyes so I’m not suprised that your partner lied about his solo fun. Also if nothing else don’t patrol your partners ‘self love’ moments. You may be in a couple but being a couple doesn’t mean you lose your right to autonomy of your body and a little bit of privacy. He probably was in the mood and decided a quick release was what he felt like. If it doesn’t interfere on the whole with your sex life, I don’t know why he has to disclose it to you. He probably felt embarrassed and some people aren’t so open about sexual things.

I don’t know if you see it but your reactions and control issues (which I think you do have) are probably mimicking your fiancés parents ‘parenting’ style. I think your behaviours are bringing out his tendency to deflect and lie as opposed to tell you what he thinks and feels. From what you said in your post it seems he did that growing up as a way to do what he wanted/needed without arousing the wrath of his parents displeasure.

I’m also side eying that you picked a female therapist in hope she would side with you. That really doesn’t bode well for you being open to really working on your relationship. It means you wanted a yes man to agree with you and to help you to tell your fiancé he is wrong and the problem. 

It sounds like you both bring out the worst in each other. He lies to avoid your displeasure and as a means to have some control over his life. You place more parameters and control levels because he lied.

Are you sure you want to marry this guy if his STI ends up being an infection instead??? You both  seem to exacerbate eachothers weak points….

Post # 98
335 posts
Helper bee

Hugs!  I’m sorry that you are going through this.  It must very scary to be waiting for information like this.  I think you were smart to give you both you and your partner a little breathing room this weekend so that you can sort out your thoughts.  Take the weekend and think about what you want and what you need.

I’m sorry you are frustrated with the responses you’ve been getting. (Welcome to the internet!) Just remember, there are no right or wrong answers.  Even if your Fiance cheated on you, there are some people who would be ok with working through cheating.  You need to evaluate your situation, and evaluate what you want and need.  

I don’t think any of the examples you’ve posted (prior to the STI issue) are necessarily something that should doom your relationship.  Personally, I do not think I could work through cheating.  Do you have a close friend or family member you could confide in?  Get some chocolate ice cream, wine and a bunch of movies and have a girls night and talk it through with someone who cares about you.

If its any comfort, I’ve been told to leave my very happy marriage on these board (due to the fact that my Mother-In-Law is a terror.)  People are very happy to give you this advice, even if it is advice they would never take themselves IRL.  

Keep us posted, and really think about what you want to do.  I really hope its not an STI.

Post # 99
2954 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2006

Seriously, so many people are condescending assholes with the buffer of a computer screen. I cannot imagine feeling how you do right now waiting on those test results. 

I haven’t read through all the responses because, well, it got exhausting. I just want to tell you to hang in there and when the time comes you’ll know what decision to make one way or another. Hoping it’s not an STI and just a simple UTI or something similar. 

My husband and I have had a very rocky relationship, worked through infedelity, nearly gotten divorced, got married a month after my step-son was born, etc. Seriously, it sounds like an episode of Jerry Springer. But we made it and our relationship is better than ever. What I’m saying is it *CAN* be done, but we most certainly are not the norm and I wouldn’t wish the hard times we’ve had on my worst enemy. If you do find out he’s cheated, and the lying is obviously an issue, think long and hard before you commit yourself further to this man. I love my husband but if I had paid attention to the red flags early in our relationship I would’ve saved myself a lot of heartache. 

Hugs to you Bee! I hope the results you get are a relief! 

Post # 100
938 posts
Busy bee

Lots of bees seem to be jumping to some pretty drastic conclusions, here…

I don’t think your FI’s lying is instinctual (pathological), rather it’s just a bad habit. I still quickly switch browsing tabs when someone/dh walks in the room even though I have nothing to hide…it’s just a reflex I picked up from living in a house of over-controlling parents. Perhaps your Fiance has a similar habit when it comes to lying—and I doubt it’s because something about you “triggers” him. You’re not responsible for his actions. Besides, he’s a grown man. If he feels like you’re overbearing he should put his big boy pants on and address it directly, rather than disrespecting you and hiding behind lies like a 5 year old with their hand caught in he cookie jar. 

Secondly, the porn thing….I don’t know where Bees are getting the impression that you’re trying to police his private moments, when all you said was that you just want him to be honest about it. Especially since you say you have no issue with him getting off to porn, he has no reason to lie about why he was taking so long in the bathroom, if you were to ask. 

Anyway…if you love this man, and the test results come back negative for STIs, maybe you could continue to work on his lying issues—with a different therapist. One who holds him accountable for his decisions, albeit if they’re sometimes “unintentional”. 

Post # 101
11299 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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Mrs.MilitaryBee :  

I will stipulate that the masturbation/porn nonsense never needed to happen. And should not have.  OP does indeed cope with her anxiety by trying to maintain an iron grip.

The coworker thing is more sketch.  This is not a guy I would count on to show good impulse control.

But, back to the masturbatory fibbing.  We’re going to end up facing the same dilemma.  Yeah, the underlying behavior is pretty insignificant, but he lied about it to avoid prosecution. Again, if we decide that some lies are harmless and others are pathological, how to we come up with some kind of serviceable scale to weigh each lie and determine its relative importance?

That’s the part that bothers me about liars in general.

Maybe it is over controlling to not allow your SO to pleasure himself.  Maybe we think it’s kind of daffy. None of that matters if OP and her SO had an agreement that he would refrain.

According to OP, the SO just arbitrarily decided that OP would go berserk if she knew about the coworker.

If you want to really wreck a relationship, this what you do.

SO does something he knows OP won’t like.  He assumes in his head that she will react in a certain way.  Then, to compound his felony, he acts as if what’s in his head is absolute truth.

How can that not be a mess? If you have never had someone in your life who assumes things about you, or thinks he knows what you want or how you feel, all with zero input from you, and then behaves as if all of his assumptions were true, don’t try it.  You will be driven stark, raving mad.

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