Fiancé might have an STI

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 107
Member
904 posts
Busy bee

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sassy411 :  I totally agree on the sketch thing with the co worker Im not disagreeing with you there. Yes if she is controlling then he should put on his big boy pants and end the relationship, but you know as well as I do that people who grow up in certain situations tend to gravitate toward what they know. His parents may well have been controlling and we all know that many men and women gravitate toward those who exhibit behaviors they have become conditioned too. 

I dont think he arbitrarily decided it either. We dont know if she hasnt lost her crap on him so many times that he just deflects because she has gone off so many times that its likely the result of every disagreement. People dont normally lie unless they feel that the truth will create a bigger fuss or they are just bad people. The fact that he voluntarily went to therapy suggest that he isnt totally bad. He is trying to seek help and that says that he does at least have some good in him that he and she believes is worth saving. 

Im not saying its normal,  he is wrong, he is definitely wrong for lying to her, however there are some things you just dont ask about, masturbatory habits are one of them. She was wrong to ask to begin with. Autonomy is a person’s most basic right. She set him up for failure by being contradictory. Yes you can masturbate, no you cant masturbate because Im insecure. If she cant figure it out, how is he suppose to figure it out. No one, not even a spouse has the right to ask if you masturbate. Its my body my private time. 

We only have one side of the story, we dont know if she is controlling or not, all we know is what she tells us, but Im concerned with some of the things she said. Like choosing a woman therapist so she would take her side, that sounds controlling. Wanting to be privy to his masturbation habits, thats controlling. 

Im not defending him, Im trying to see both sides. They both need therapy and as another bee said they may just be unsuited to each other.  

Its also a double standard with the masturbation thing. He is entitled to masturbate the same as everyone else is and he doesnt owe her or anyone else an explanation. Its a question that shouldnt be asked in the first place. 

 

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louiseey :   Okay grant you that the co worker was totally sketch, I am not defending him. However, he is an autonomous person and he doesnt owe you an answer on when or if he masturbates. If he masturbates in the shower, the car, the closet, it is not your business to ask unless he wants to share it with you. You make it seem like its a horrible thing that he masturbates. Calling it busted as CMSgirl implies that he did something wrong. 

And NO porn doesnt fall into the “if you wouldnt do it in front of them” category. That is ridiculous. Lots of people enjoy private time without having people watch or wanting others to know. Its a private thing that isnt your business or anyone elses business unless he chooses to disclose it. 

I think you both need therapy. However, you shouldnt have kicked him out until you know for sure that it is an STI and he cheated. He might have a serious infection from something else. 

Post # 109
Member
904 posts
Busy bee

 

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louiseey :  “You think people should be allowed to do whatever they want with their body’s without persecution because it’s their body. I agree with you completely. What I don’t agree with is having an attitude like that when in a committed relationship”

There is no exception to this unless he is cheating, which he is not as far as we know at this point. What someone does alone by themselves with their body is not your business.  You dont have a right to dictate what he does alone with his own body, even in a committed relationship.  

You threw out instances where you were cheating with someone. Not the same thing. He is alone in his act it is not cheating. I would bet dollars to donuts you see masturbation as you not being good enough for him. I would bet you think when he masturbates he might be thinking of someone else and you just cant have that.  You probably think when he masturbates that its because you arent good enough, or more likely, that why does he need to masturbate when he has you. 

You have just proven, in my humble opinion, that you are in fact controlling. Im going to stop commenting because what I want to say would be TOS violation and well, you arent likely to change your opinion. You are right, he is wrong. If thats how you feel, then you need to dump him and just let him go. You need to find someone who wont mind having their private thoughts and private intimate time examined and controlled by someone who thinks that a persons autonomy stops when they enter a relationship with you. 

Good luck with your situation. I hope for your sake that it isnt an STI and for his too. 

Post # 111
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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louiseey :  I would 100% ask my husband wtf he was doing in the car for that long at that hour. super weird that he feels the need to masturbate in his car (couldn’t that have legal repercussions??). Have you asked him why he feels he needs to hide it from you? I never ask my husband if he masturbates but he’ll usually mention it when he does but it’s always when I’m out of town, if he went into the bathroom and hid from me while I’m home I’d be a little put off.

anyways I know a lot of bees are saying they’d be totally cool with it and how dare you question what he wants to do in private etc, but if they were in your situation I’m sure they’d feel a bit different. Easy to give advice and get high and mighty on the Internet….

Post # 112
Member
11385 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Bees, as you know you can disagree with an OP without personally attacking them /impugning their motives. If you can’t, take a break. 

 

 

Post # 113
Member
574 posts
Busy bee

Hello,

i want to start by saying that I haven’t read all the 8 pages so maybe you have the results now and this comment doesn’t count. However, I wanted to share my experience.

About a year ago I was in so much pain when I went to urinate. More pain than a urine infection. It was awful. I cried each time I went. I went to the doctors and they had a look down below and sent me to see a gyno. So…the gyno looked and said I have an ulcer down there. He then asked my partner if he has any ulcers or noticed anything strange on his penis. He said no. The doctor then asked my fiancé to leave the room and asked me how many sexual partners I have!! I said only my fiancé. He said it looks like it could be an STI and would take a swab and do some tests. 

I then had to say to my fiancé that they think it might be an STI. My fiancé just said ‘well, obviously that’s not what it is’ and had my back the whole time. 

Results came back and apparently I had a very rare non sexually transmitted ulcer which gets brought on by stress. Since using cream and having to clear it up it has reappeared a couple more times. 

I just wanted to share that with you. Wait for the results! 

Post # 114
Member
351 posts
Helper bee

I have so many thoughts on this, hopefully my reply isn’t too scattered! I want to start off by saying that I can relate so much to you! I feel like i could’ve written this myself a year ago. Since then, I did individual counseling and a lot of self reflection. I wish I could give you a hug because I know you’re in pain right now!

Ill start by addressing the potential STI since it’s why you originally started this thread. I am seeing a lot of conclusions being drawn, I wouldn’t jump to any yet – nor do i think it was fair to kick him out (yet).  I think that even if the tests come back positive, you do need to consider the possibility that this was dormant and there’s a chance he wasn’t unfaithful. Whether you want to work through that or not is entirely up to you, I know I’d be having a lot of doubts but i also don’t know if I would write off my relationship unless I knew 100% that he had cheated. I have jumped to conclusions SO many times in the past, and a lot of times I’ve been proven wrong afterwards. Just something to consider! 

I don’t think he’s necessarily a pathological liar from what you’ve described here – I think he’s trying to omit details you may find hurtful because he loves you and wants to avoid conflict. That would raise the question of why he is afraid you’ll get angry? It’s important to be honest, but at the same time, we all deserve privacy and i don’t think it’s  any of your business to know when he watches porn. I get why you were upset about the work thing, but i think it stems back to your own insecurities with your weight/looks. I don’t think it would’ve been smart for him to pass up work opportunities/events due to an attractive woman being present (nor would you want him to stunt his career, right?)   So again, I’m seeing him trying to avoid conflict.

Maybe in therapy (with a new therapist) you guys should discuss needing to hear the truth, even if it hurts – but I think there’s a few other components too. You need to establish if these little omissions to spare feelings are worth fighting or being hurt over (my personal opinion is i would let it go). You also need to establish healthy boundaries – porn/privacy being one of them. I think you also need to make sure you take care of yourself and figure out why these things are bothering you/if it’s worth working through.

sending you virtual hugs – i hope I’m not too far off base, just giving my perspective from someone who has been through similar growing pains. My DBF was amazing and patient while I worked through my trust and insecurity issues and our relationship is so much more solid now. 

Post # 115
Member
9396 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

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Mrs.MilitaryBee :  1. it started before he even really knew her. Date 3 he was already saying he was paranoid about her flipping out because he wanted to plau a video game.

2. Therapist and him both claim that’s his root cause.

I have no idea if op is or isn’t high strung.. but either way they seem like a shit match to me. One “struggling with the truth” and/or a pathological liar in his own opinion and that of his therapist, and one potentially with trust/insecurity issues. Just seems like a formula for misery.

Post # 116
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I used to be hypersensitive to any situation where I felt that someone was lying to me or where they might be cheating on me. I was jealous and insecure to the point that I didn’t want him looking at attractive women on TV. I would check his phone, sniff the pillow, ask a lot of questions, follow him, accuse, start fights etc. I was basically acting like a total psycho but couldn’t see anything wrong in what was doing. 

It wasn’t until I went to counseling and worked through my abandonment issues that I could see what and why I was doing these things.  Years and many relationships later, at times I still struggle with trust to some extent. 

I’m not trying to blame you but just suggesting that you may be contributing to the situation. The fact that he has a tracker on his phone so you can see where he is at all times is a huge red flag . Even though you said it was his idea, the fact that he thought you needed that is pretty telling.

Post # 117
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

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louiseey :   can I say, I agree with you. My husband’s body is mine and mine is his, we gave each other body and soul in marriage, completely, forever. Nothing is mine anymore. Like “my money”, theres no such thing. It makes me feel sad that others do not have this, however I must realize not every one wants it. For me I would rather be single than live that way. If my husband used porn, I would consider a divorce. 

Post # 118
Member
612 posts
Busy bee

I just wanted to stop by & say i’m sorry you are going through this – sending you a virtual hug! 

Post # 119
Member
430 posts
Helper bee

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louiseey :  Probably because UTIs are rare in men. So, it’s more likely an STI than a UTI given a young, male. But, stranger things have happened and it’s rude for docs to be dismissive regardless.

Post # 120
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

…Where dem results at, doh??

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