Fiancé might have an STI

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 121
1949 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

i wouldnt automatically think the worse, if he doesnt get tested regularly he could have had the STI for god knows how long…

Post # 122
11303 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Here is the thing.  We’re trying to conflate two entirely separate issues.

First issue—is the OP over controlling? There really isn’t a slam dunk answer. Bugging a guy about masturbating, yeah, that sounds pretty controlling.  But, then we find out he was performing said masturbation in the car.  At 2 am. That rather begs comment. So, was he hiding in the car to avoid OP’s wrath?  Or some other bizarre reason? We can’t know.  But, if we’re intellectually honest, we acknowledge that the behavior is weird.

How we personally feel about mastubation is of zero relevance.  If OP and her fiancé made some type of agreement, he nweeds to either stick to it or try to renegotiate.

Next issue—Fiancé’s lying. Here is where it gets tricky. It is so tempting to say, well, he only lies because he knows OP will unhinge if he tells her the truth. 

Effectively, that makes his lying her fault, which is absurd. It also sets OP up for a lifetime of not being able to take what her partner says at face value.

Let’s just stipulate that fiancé has options other than lying for problem solving. But, he’s taking the path of least resistance.  He’ll just lie.  Much easier than having a full on discussion/debate.

IOW, if OP is too controlling, that doesn’t mean he is automatically off the hook for lying.

There is a lot of chaos in OP’s post, reflecting what I suspect is considerable inner chaos.

I completely agree with the Bees who have recommended individual counseling for OP and a change of couples’ therapists.

Post # 123
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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mrsnyctola :  Most people don’t have that absolute view of marriage. That is fine if it is discussed and agreed to beforehand but I doubt most would agree to those terms (no autonomy at all)

Post # 124
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

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louiseey :  

Jesus fucking Christ. 

I’m so sorry this thread is like this. There are some real mouthy bees on here who probably have shitty lives and come on here and get on their high horse. 

My advise is delete this thread 😂 

also my advise (take if you please or don’t!)

Trust your gut. Trust your intuition. 

Wait for the results. I know you kicked him out already, I personally wouldn’t have without getting the doctors results first. I would probably look at getting another therapist though. Just because she called you controlling and even if you are that’s not a professional way to put it so the sound of it really rubs me the wrong way. 

All that is about you and your SO though and you need to make that choice together. 

I used to tutor some foster kids and they were pathological liars for no reason other than total fear of saying the wrong thing. it was like a defense mechanism. lied about the most random unimportant shit. 🙁 if your SO dealt with stuff early on thatbway it probably is a habit he needs to work on. 

but then I’ve also worked in AOD and DV and know alot of adults who do manipulate with those excuses. this is why I say only you can trust your gut because we are on a forum. we have no flipping clue no matter how much you tell us (and the more you say the more you getting torn down so that sucks)

I hope things work out Bee! It’s up to you what standards your relationship meets If you are happy to be patient with this man and you genuinely love eachother keep going. if you aren’t happy though don’t let anyone talk you into staying!

your happiness comes first always you only get one life!

Post # 125
3554 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m curious – does he have an STI? TBH I seriously doubt it. I mean who in their right mind would take their partner to an appointment where they could have an STI if they’d cheated?!

lots of stuff can cause penile discharge. My husband had it once in the early days of our relationship. It was a UTI that he and I both got as we’d been having tons of new relationship sex lol. 

Dont get the masterbation thing at all. I’ve caught my husband lots of times doing it – NBD. As long as he cleans up after himself

Post # 127
2178 posts
Buzzing bee

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louiseey :  I am sooo relieved for you, bee!! I hope you all can work through the trust issues, if that’s how you want to proceed. I think it also shows tremendous growth and maturity on his behalf for being understanding of why you doubted him, and for taking accountability for his causing the distrust.

But please don’t be deterred from asking for advice on here. Don’t let the negativity of the few take away from the genuine caring and concern from the majority. This really is a supportive community for the most part.

Good luck moving forward, bee.

Post # 128
1243 posts
Bumble bee

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louiseey :  i’m so glad it wasn’t an STI! i do suggest you develop a thicker skin when it comes to the internet though. sure, some people are assholes, but most are well intentioned. try not to let the jerks bum you out. there’s plenty of awesome you’ll miss out on if you let them chase you away. 

Post # 129
2535 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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louiseey :  That’s great to hear! Sorry you felt attacked on here. I have seen some very helpful advice by some bee’s on here (usually the same ones), but also some really rude, unnecessary comments. It’s hit or miss. Try not to take any of it too personally, they’re commenting on limited information about a couple they don’t even know, it’s easy to be an asshole on the internet. Good luck to you guys, I hope you find a good counselor! 

Post # 130
11303 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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louiseey :  

Thank you for the good news update.  That’s one big worry out of your way.

I am happy that you’re going to find a new couples’ therapist.  I don’t know how much flexibility you have, insurance sometimes has the final say, but if you can get recommendations, that is a good way to go.

In my community, we have an online newsletter type thing and it’s awesome.  Being new here, we’ve needed referrals to dentists, someone to do the yard, that sort of thing.  Do you have any similar resources?

The very best therapist I ever had was via a referral by my yoga teacher.  You just never know.

Post # 131
60 posts
Worker bee

Wow! I am sure you are relieved to get that news.

Don’t let a few people chase you off. The anonymity of the internet brings out the asshole in people, unfortunately. It is sometimes hard, especially when you feel like you are being attacked, but you just have to ignore them. 

I understand the frustration about the masturbation thing. My ex used to get himself off and never have sex because it was quicker and easier. So I would be very pissed when he would masturbate and lie to me about it. If others view me as controlling, oh well. 

I hope things go well with a new counselor and you guys find true happiness. 

Post # 132
2346 posts
Buzzing bee

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louiseey :  I just wanted to let you know not to take the way this thread has gone personally. People come here looking for support and find… The Internet instead. People create online personas on internet forums and say things they would never say IRL. So I really hope you don’t take this personally. 

As for your situation with your SO… Definitely work together to find a therapist that you can both trust, not one you hope will agree with you.

I will say that I am EXTREMELY happily married to a wonderful man – who just so happens to have the same issue your SO has. 

He was raised by an uber controlling narcissist mother who constantly expected him to be HER “idealised version” of him, and guilted and shamed him every single time he wasn’t. 

I can’t even imagine how psychologically damaging that must have been for a small child, eager to please, being constantly told by his primary care giver that he wasn’t measuring up, wasn’t good enough, was “wrong” in some indefinable way… AND to be made responsible for this caregiver’s emotional state! 

It wasn’t “JUST” that he wasn’t good enough. It was that him not being good enough made his mother SAD, and her being SAD was HIS fault. And if he could just be better, if he could just measure up to how she wanted him to me, then she could finally be happy. 

So yes. People here have been quick to dismiss your partner’s childhood “causing” him to behave a certain way. I’d like to follow those posters around in their relationships and sound a loud buzzer every time they explained to their partners that they screwed up in this or that way because of something from their childhood. I guarantee you that buzzer would get a lot of use.

Our childhoods are entirely relevent to our adult romantic relationships. Our relationships with our parents inform how our brains develop, determine our attachment styles, and decide how vulnerable we feel we can be with the world. 

If you grow up being guilted and shamed for just BEING YOURSELF, you respond by HIDING YOURSELF. 

And you do it constantly. Without even thinking about it. You are so intensely ASHAMED – and shame is such a painful emotion, that from a very young age your entire personality begins to revolve around avoiding it. You do everything in your power to avoid even the smallest chance that you might disappoint the person you love.

Which, yes, obviously – is not healthy. And ironically winds up being the thing that hurts the person you love. 

But it CAN be worked on, it CAN be worked through. Improvement can be made and healing can be attained.  

OP, if it helps at all – I can say that our NATURAL reaction when we’ve been lied to (becoming more and more insecure, more and more controlling and demanding) is the exact wrong thing here. Because the more insecure and controlling you become… well, the more you look exactly like his abusive parents to your partner, and the more likely his behavior is to continue and even escalate. 

This is not me laying the blame for his behavior at your feet. This is me just explaining the basic psychological dynamic here. If you truly want to stick by him and commit to helping him grow through this, then your own emotional landscape and behavior will become incredibly important. 

And the way I finally decided I could know I wasn’t being stupid or naive to stand by my husband… I realized there IS a distinction between lying to hide something objectively bad from your partner and lying to hide something silly (but that you THINK might upset your partner) from your partner. 

If you find out about a lie/omission and want to LAUGH at how dumb he was to even feel the need to hide that thing… well, you’ve got a poor, wounded child on your hands, just trying to proactively (and instinctively) protect themselves from what they see as a horrible, judgmental world. 

On the other hand, if you find out about a lie and you’re wounded to your soul, NOT BY THE LIE ITSELF, but by the thing he lied about. Well, that’s a man on a power trip trying to take your autonomy away from you by controlling how much information you have.

In your case, ALL of the lies I’ve read have been the first kind. You seem to want to shake him because you wouldn’t CARE if he masturbated, and you wouldn’t CARE if this girl you’re slightly insecure about was going on the trip – but now you DO care about both these things… because the fact he lied about them gives them more *importance* in your shared life. But you didn’t care about them BEFORE they became the subject of his lies. And that’s what makes them silly. 

Ok, I’m done airing my dirty laundry here. Feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk this through with. 

Post # 133
398 posts
Helper bee

I’m very relieved for you bee. Ignore the negativity, I think it’s great you two will be looking for a new therapist. 

Post # 134
107 posts
Blushing bee

After 10 years of marriage, my husband called me at work to say the doctor just diagnosed him with an STD, which supposedly  layed dormant all these years.  I’m sure he called me while I was at work so that he didn’t have to tell me face to face.   Lying face to face isn’t as easy.  Anyway, surprise, surprise…..I had an STD that needed surgery to resolve.

A few weeks later I got another surprise, my husband was screwing the neighbors wife and a few other women he had met while patroling in his sheriffs car around.

I asked the doctor about the chances of his STD lying dormant for 10 years and he just kinda gave me a side eye look as if that’s the standard excuse most people give.  I divorced the loser and moved on!

Good luck to you.  I hope you make the correct decision and move on

Post # 135
5556 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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louiseey :  

I was thinking about one of your updates where you said something along the lines of “you told me I shouldn’t be with him and then when I kicked him out you told me I shouldn’t have, I feel like I can’t win with you guys”

What you were seeing is different opinions from different people. It wasn’t that you couldn’t win, it was just that everyone had ideas of what you should do and it wasn’t a concensus.

I am glad it’s a uti and I’m so glad you guys will be seeing a new therapist. You need a therapist who will give you as much voice as she gives him. Someone who is truly a third party and isn’t siding with one of you.

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