Post # 1
Some background information. My fiancé is 27 and I am 25. We have been together for almost 4 years and engaged for almost a year. my fiancé and I graduated college around the same time and it was his idea to move in together. Not just move in together, he wanted to buy a house with me. We shopped together picked out our little home and have since added two fur-babies. I know everyone says this but our relationship was like instanteous connection. Not just sexually, but a mental and personality fit. We fell in love fairly quickly. About 6 months into our relationship my fiancé came up with the idea to write love letters to one another so that we would never forget what we felt for each other in that moment. We bought a house and moved in together only after dating for barely a year. I was so nervous to tel my mother that he took the liberty of calling her for me (without me knowing) and asking her if he could live with me and told her how much he loved me. We are each others best friends. We have so much fun together and we have grown so much together. Fast forward to September of 2016. His dad is dying of cancer. On our three year anniversary in September he proposes in our backyard (candles, wine, music and even a hidden camera!). My nana had recently given him my great grandmothers ring to propose with. I was on literal cloud nine. Best day of my life by far. Five days later his dad died after a 3 year long battle with cancer. His family knew we were engaged and were ecstatic but i hid my ring and let his family grieve out of respect. I didn’t want everyone at the funeral congratulating me when they had just lost someone. We didn’t really talk about wedding stuff for about 3 months. It was him that in Jan. Of 2017 offered to start looking at venues. We found the perfect one and booked a date two years down the road. Again, wanting to give the family time to grieve. I was the one with financial worries and he constantly reassured me everything would be fine.
Fast forward to a month ago. We got in a big fight ( lots of day drinking involved). I thought we had gotten past it. Both apologized etc. Then precisely 3 days later he sat me down on our couch after we got off work and told me it wasn’t working. Proposing was a mistake. He doesn’t see me in his future. He never wants to get married to me or anyone and he no longer wants children. I was so distraught/blindsided I literally ran to the kitchen sink and started throwing up. I could hear my world literally caving in around me. I begged. I pleaded. I asked questions. I got angry. We eventually went to bed. The next morning he is a little distant but starts acting like nothing happened. I go to work and when I come home I decide to act non effected. He does too. Call me crazy but I acted happy/nonchalant because I wanted him to know what he was missing. He reciprocated. So much so that we were taking the dogs for a walk that evening and killing our selves laughing, having a great time. A few days later and he’s taking me to the movies and even surprised me by taking me to total wine and practically forcing me to buy two expensive bottles of wine with his new bonus. We’ve been doing “this for a month” we haven’t fought and we have been sincerely happy, I can tell he’s happy, always smiling and laughing. He tells me he loves me every day. During the breakup (if you can call it that) he said he felt he could be making the worst mistake of his life and that he still loved me. Now it’s been a month. He went with me to my family gatherings. He’s invited his family over to our house to have dinner. He hasn’t told anyone about our relationship problems except his mom who the next day after hearing asked if she could come by and hang out and acted just as normal and happy as usual. He’s been super sweet, kind, loving. Heck we even had a trip planned in august and he’s been urging me to get my passport and as we drove by a house for sale he said “at our next house we will need…”. I have tried multiple times to bring up the breakup, the wedding and us. All he can say is he doesn’t know.
And typically if I keep pushing he gets defensive. About two weeks ago I decided to give him time to think and stop pressuring him for answers but what the heck is going on? How long do I give the man I love to decide if he wants me? his actions scream I love you and his words are so hateful. His words and actions just don’t match up. His reasons for the breakup were that we have been bickering too much and that I’m too negative (i complain too much). He says he proposed because he thought it would fix us. I may be absolutely dilusional but…it really hasn’t been that bad. We really don’t fight that much and we have about 10 happy moments for every sad one. The worst part about it is he’s actually a great guy. I know I paint an awful picture of him here but he’s so kind, so loving and he’s always been there for me. He’s my whole heart. Anyone with similar scenarios please share.
Post # 2
He’s telling you who he is. He sees it isn’t working and you pretending everything is hunky dory isn’t going to fix things. In fact, you are just postponing the inevitable. You guys aren’t ok, and it’s delusional to assume that all those things he said all of a sudden don’t matter.
Sit him down. Talk to him. Discuss this and define your relationship (or lack thereof). He may be treating you well, but that doesn’t take away the fact that he broke up with you and I think you’re denying that it actually happened. Once you confirm that he did in fact break up with you and you are no longer an item, move out, DO NOT go on this trip that you have planned, and cut ties completely with him. It’s the only way you will heal from this.
Post # 3
I think you should go to therapy. At the very least you both need to start actually communicating with one another. You need to WORK THROUGH your issues, not avoid them and pretend they’re not happening. Address the problems you both see in your relationship and work on a plan to try to mend them. You don’t seem to deny that there was a lot of bickering and that you can be overly negative, maybe you two need to work on a better communication style. Soften your approach to one another, and shift your focus away from the negative.
You can’t just sweep this under the rug and expect it to go away. You can’t just change the status of your relationship and expect that to change it. From a couple, to engaged, to broken up…You need to change the relationship itself.
Post # 4
What you doing now is pretty much the equivalent of someone walking around, acting perfectly normal and happy while they’ve got major internal bleeding. You can fake it for awhile but it won’t fix anything and it won’t last.
You need to figure out where he stands and what he is thinking. Are you broken up? Are you still together? Is the engagement off? Does he really not want kids?
Honestly, my guess is that this relationship isn’t going to last. I think he’s a coward who has one foot out the door but hasn’t let you go because he’s afraid of being alone/making a mistake. He’s also a liar and selfish because he refuses to clarify the situation for you so that you can make a decision. He’s paralyzed you by giving you hope that maybe he didn’t mean the things he said – but he’s never actually said he didn’t mean it.
Post # 5
I would put some major space between the two of you and figure out whether you are content with living in a situation where this is so much uncertainty. He’s already deciding for you that he wants to keep you on a leash without having to re-commit to you. Don’t let him make that decision. His claim that he “doesn’t know” regarding the breakup and the status of your relation is bullshit.
Post # 6
Your relationship is officially a zombie. It’s dead. It just hasn’t figured it out yet. I spent 6 months in that state, holding on so damn tight, thinking if I was just the most amazing girlfriend ever, our love would come back to life. It doesn’t. He isn’t pulling the plug because he’s a wuss who doesn’t want to inflict pain upon you, so he’ll just let you suffer while acting happy. It’s time to give him the space and closure he wants but isn’t brave enough to ask for. It’s time to make the decision yourself and leave.
Post # 7
Move on. why waste more years. You are not compatiable.
Post # 8
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. You’re in denial, time to face the music and move on with your life. It’ll be hard, but you can do it.
Post # 9
I think you need to move out. You both need space to work out your feelings. you do not deserve this, but I would not fault you for forgiving him… BUT, only when he has realzied what he has said and done and can make amends for it, and talk about it like a grown up. You can’t just wish it away and let him think it is okay to treat you this way.
Post # 10
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
Nothing about your “break up” says that you’re actually broken up. At first I was thinking maybe it was like a one time thing after a drunken episode, but I don’t get it. How can you be broken up, yet he still talks of future plans and houses?
You need to communicate with each other – and after, set boundaries. If he doesn’t want to marry you, ever, and doesn’t see a future with you, then I would try to move on ASAP. I’m sorry 🙁
Post # 11
Y’alls relationship is in a state of delusion. Y’all are pretending everything is peachy keen whereas there’s alot of issues and uncertainty that needs to be dealt with and discussed. He’s leading you on to believe everything is fine and it’s not. You’re going to be devastated coming back from a fun trip and him telling you that y’all are still broken up and/or he still doesn’t want to get married. I would say have a serious sit down talk with him. If he still gives you the “I don’t know where we stand in this relationship”..cut your losses.
Post # 12
I think just about everyone deserves better than what your (ex) fiance has done to you. To just have you in-limbo is quite silly and hurtful. You need to ask him what the deal is and if his goals are different from yours, move on. I hope you guys figure something out soon.
Post # 13
He already told you my dear:he doesn’t see you in his future, he proposed for the wrong reason AND he doesn’t want to get married.
But you’re probably a good date, a great roommate and good sex so of course he’s not going to kick you out. You have to pick up your dignity and actually walk out yourself.
Post # 14
I think you need to start going to therapy on your own and figuring out how to extricate yourself from this situation. It’s time to have a conversation about what’s going to happen with the house you bought together and you need to start figuring out how to move on.
It sucks to feel unwanted, but he basically told you he doesn’t want you and now you’re just staying in the house, pretending you didn’t hear him. You deserve better.
Post # 15
You are both busy trying to fool each other. Have an honest, heart to heart talk. Note, I said talk, not fight. Be honest about what you want from the relationship. If you want marriage and he doesn’t, start making arrangements to end the relationship.
I ended the last relationship I was in before i met DH because I wanted marriage and he didn’t. He didn’t even want to live with anyone again (it would have been 2nd marriage for both). Ending that relationship freed me up to meet DH- the love of my life.