(Closed) Fiancé no longer wants to get married. Ever…need advise

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

He’s telling you who he is.  He sees it isn’t working and you pretending everything is hunky dory isn’t going to fix things.  In fact, you are just postponing the inevitable.  You guys aren’t ok, and it’s delusional to assume that all those things he said all of a sudden don’t matter.

Sit him down.  Talk to him.  Discuss this and define your relationship (or lack thereof).  He may be treating you well, but that doesn’t take away the fact that he broke up with you and I think you’re denying that it actually happened.  Once you confirm that he did in fact break up with you and you are no longer an item, move out, DO NOT go on this trip that you have planned, and cut ties completely with him.  It’s the only way you will heal from this.

Post # 3
Member
2617 posts
Sugar bee

I think  you should go to therapy. At the very least you both need to start actually communicating with one another. You need to WORK THROUGH your issues, not avoid them and pretend they’re not happening. Address the problems you both see in your relationship and work on a plan to try to mend them. You don’t seem to deny that there was a lot of bickering and that you can be overly negative, maybe you two need to work on a better communication style. Soften your approach to one another, and shift your focus away from the negative.

You can’t just sweep this under the rug and expect it to go away. You can’t just change the status of your relationship and expect that to change it. From a couple, to engaged, to broken up…You need to change the relationship itself.

Post # 4
Member
10455 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

What you doing now is pretty much the equivalent of someone walking around, acting perfectly normal and happy while they’ve got major internal bleeding. You can fake it for awhile but it won’t fix anything and it won’t last.

You need to figure out where he stands and what he is thinking. Are you broken up? Are you still together? Is the engagement off? Does he really not want kids?

Honestly, my guess is that this relationship isn’t going to last. I think he’s a coward who has one foot out the door but hasn’t let you go because he’s afraid of being alone/making a mistake. He’s also a liar and selfish because he refuses to clarify the situation for you so that you can make a decision. He’s paralyzed you by giving you hope that maybe he didn’t mean the things he said – but he’s never actually said he didn’t mean it.

Post # 5
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I would put some major space between the two of you and figure out whether you are content with living in a situation where this is so much uncertainty.  He’s already deciding for you that he wants to keep you on a leash without having to re-commit to you.  Don’t let him make that decision.  His claim that he “doesn’t know” regarding the breakup and the status of your relation is bullshit.

Post # 6
Member
4309 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Your relationship is officially a zombie.  It’s dead.  It just hasn’t figured it out yet.  I spent 6 months in that state, holding on so damn tight, thinking if I was just the most amazing girlfriend ever, our love would come back to life.  It doesn’t.  He isn’t pulling the plug because he’s a wuss who doesn’t want to inflict pain upon you, so he’ll just let you suffer while acting happy.  It’s time to give him the space and closure he wants but isn’t brave enough to ask for.  It’s time to make the decision yourself and leave. 

Post # 7
Member
7365 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Move on. why waste more years. You are not compatiable. 

Post # 8
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. You’re in denial, time to face the music and move on with your life. It’ll be hard, but you can do it.

Post # 9
Member
4251 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

I think you need to move out.  You both need space to work out your feelings.  you do not deserve this, but I would not fault you for forgiving him… BUT, only when he has realzied what he has said and done and can make amends for it, and talk about it like a grown up.  You can’t just wish it away and let him think it is okay to treat you this way.  

Post # 10
Hostess
10354 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

Nothing about your “break up” says that you’re actually broken up. At first I was thinking maybe it was like a one time thing after a drunken episode, but I don’t get it. How can you be broken up, yet he still talks of future plans and houses? 

You need to communicate with each other – and after, set boundaries. If he doesn’t want to marry you, ever, and doesn’t see a future with you, then I would try to move on ASAP. I’m sorry 🙁

Post # 11
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Y’alls relationship is in a state of delusion. Y’all are pretending everything is peachy keen whereas there’s alot of issues and uncertainty that needs to be dealt with and discussed. He’s leading you on to believe everything is fine and it’s not. You’re going to be devastated coming back from a fun trip and him telling you that y’all are still broken up and/or he still doesn’t want to get married. I would say have a serious sit down talk with him. If he still gives you the “I don’t know where we stand in this relationship”..cut your losses.

Post # 12
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

I think just about everyone deserves better than what your (ex) fiance has done to you. To just have you in-limbo is quite silly and hurtful. You need to ask him what the deal is and if his goals are different from yours, move on. I hope you guys figure something out soon.

Post # 13
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

OUCH.

He already told you my dear:he doesn’t see you in his future, he proposed for the wrong reason AND he doesn’t want to get married. 

But you’re probably a good date, a great roommate and good sex so of course he’s not going to kick you out. You have to pick up your dignity and actually walk out yourself. 

Post # 14
Member
7189 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think you need to start going to therapy on your own and figuring out how to extricate yourself from this situation. It’s time to have a conversation about what’s going to happen with the house you bought together and you need to start figuring out how to move on.

It sucks to feel unwanted, but he basically told you he doesn’t want you and now you’re just staying in the house, pretending you didn’t hear him. You deserve better.

Post # 15
Member
47430 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You are both busy trying to fool each other. Have an honest, heart to heart talk. Note, I said talk, not fight. Be honest about what you want from the relationship. If you want marriage and he doesn’t, start making arrangements to end the relationship.

I ended the last relationship I was in before i met DH because I wanted marriage and he didn’t. He didn’t even want to live with anyone again (it would have been 2nd marriage for both). Ending that relationship freed me up to meet DH- the love of my life.

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