Fiancé no longer wants to get married. Ever…need advise

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

desertgypsy :  This! So much this!!

You need to move out. Anyone who goes to the extreme of saying those things isn’t in it with their whole heart. I’ve been through similar situations twice.

1) My ex husband: Did similar. Said he wanted a divorce, that he was unhappy and it wasn’t working and he didn’t want a future with me. We limped along and tried to make it work, I even had tricked myself into believing it had worked and then he dropped the second bomb. At that point *I* was done. I wish I’d let him truly end it the first time, in a lot of ways. It would’ve saved me a lot of pain and heartache.

2) My now husband. We were all set to move in together, get engaged, etc. Now, here is the key difference: He told me he wasn’t ready to take that step yet. Key word being yet. He said he needed a little bit of time and that he did want a future with me but that he needed time to get there. I gave him the space and the time and he was ready within a couple of months. My husband is a thinker and really needs to process things and take his time, so knowing him, this situation made sense.

If your Fiance had taken that approach of saying he needed more time and wasn’t ready yet, my advice would be different. However, given that your Fiance went to the extreme of saying he never wanted to marry you or have kids with you. Nope. I’d be out. I know that’s really really hard when you love someone, but you need to come to reality and deal with it sooner rather than later so you don’t waste more time on this guy. I’m so sorry, bee. I know that this is a truly heartbreaking time.

Post # 32
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I am so sorry Bee, but he is not the one for you. He might have done all the chasing and pushing to move things forward previously but that is over. I would not be able to stay after what he has said.

Someone who truly loved and cared for you would not leave you in this limbo land of emotions. I think he does not want to be the one who breaks things off officially, but if you were to initiate the break-up, I’m sure he’d be relieved instead of devastated. 

You should not have to beg, plead or cry for a man to be with you. I know you said that for every sad moment, there are 10 happy moments. Yes there will always bee sad moments in every relationship but it should never be because of a person in that relationship. 

You deserve so much more than him. 

Post # 33
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I think you should ask for an explanation of why the sudden change of heart? I think his father’s passing has him shaken. He’s looking at the world differently now and may be why he’s suddenly against marriage or a family, even though you’re still able to live like best friends. 

He needs space right now and you may have to walk away forever. Knowing how grief is like being stuck in a year(s)-long fog, it’s also possible he could come back to loving you after he’s had time to process his loss.

Post # 34
Member
34 posts
Newbee

Move out. Break off ALL contact for at least 1 month, even if he contacts you. Work on yourself. After one month if he comes back to you begging, great! If not, you have worked on yourself and will feel confident to move forward. 

Post # 35
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

At this point it sounds like you guys are friends with benefits who live together. He never apologized or took back what he said and he refuses to give you straight answers when you ask questions. I would cut your losses, break up with him for good, and maybe go to therapy to work through your feelings.

I also totally agree with a previous poster that you should get your finances regarding the house in order if you decide to leave. 

Post # 36
Member
1222 posts
Bumble bee

I just don’t know how you bounce back from a situation like this. Neither of you can pretend that he didn’t say what he did… and even if things are absolutely perfect for the next year or more, you will still have this situation in the back of your mind and wonder if it could happen again when you least expect it. In sum, you can’t trust what he’s telling you about the state of the relationship that you are both in. that’s ridiculous!

Many years ago I dated a guy who was similar (although we never lived together or purchased property). We’d have a long stretches of perfection interspersed with him having doubts and being confused about me, his feelings, the relationship etc.  I ended things, not bc I didn’t love him, but because I couldn’t take the daily anxiety of never knowing where I stood with him. Now your guy has only done this the one time. Me? I had several go-rounds of this and it was exhausting. My only regret was that I didn’t end things the FIRST time this happened. It would have saved me a whole lot of hurt/pain/drama.

Dont’ be reactive to this. Take charge. You can’t just ignore this elephant in the living room.

 

Post # 38
Member
5863 posts
Bee Keeper

fmpbride1118 :  Several possibilities here:

1. Your fiance is having trouble with mental health issues &/ or grieving the death of his father and his words of no longer wanting marriage or children are actually words of generalized despondency and apathy. In this scenario I would recommend he speak to his doctor, get a referral to a specialist trained soecifically in mental health &/ or grief counselling. Couples counselling in addition to this may also be a good idea. You mention ‘day drinking’, I don’t know if that was a one-off for you guys or part of a larger pattern, but people suffering from mental health problems and/ or grief are also at higher risk of self-medicating with alcohol or drugs. It could also explain the roller coaster of emotions he’s displaying, despairing one moment and upbeat the next talking about future homes.

2. You have downplayed, even in your own mind, the amount of fights the two of you have, the amount of drinking the two of you do. If alcohol is a common factor in these arguments, the two of you will need to address this, cut out the drinking. If it’s possible you’re under-estimating the amount you fight, you may have to take a step back and realize that it honestly has reached an intolerable point for him. If this could be true and you want to save this relationship, I would recommend couples’ counselling. It’s also possible that the two of you have a different idea of how much is too much when it comes to arguing in a relationship. You may think a certain amount of arguing is par for the course in any relationship, whereas he may see even a reasonable amount of disagreement as cause for alarm.

3. His feelings have changed and what he wants in life, for his future have changed. He sat down with you and tried to tell you this but couldn’t handle your reaction and backed down and frankly doesn’t know how to handle it as this point, can’t bring himself to stand by his words and deal with the fallout of them.

4. He regrets what he said but can’t bring himself to discuss it, so his way of trying to deal with it is to be extra nice and loving to you and sweep what happened under the carpet.

Regardless of what is going on here Bee, you have to find out what exactly IS going on, not join him in play-acting that everything’s okay when it quite clearly is not. It seems like this is a learned pattern of his, judging from his mother’s similar way of dealing with things. When she heard your relationship was in trouble, her son was hurting, her impulse was to come to you both, a good impulse I can totally understand as a parent- except when she got there she spent the evening acting like everything was fine, not addressing the situation at all, likely waiting for one of you to bring it up or trying to get up the courage to ask some difficult questions. Perhaps, because the two of you also acted like everything was fine, she chose to delude herself that everything was hunky dory. And your fiance may be doing the same thing, deluding himself that everything is okay just because you and he are pretending it’s okay on the surface.

You also have to watch Bee that you don’t fall into the trap of being afraid to be yourself in your relationship. Have the two of you truly been arguing a lot or does he have an unrealistic expectation that a relationship should be all smooth sailing and anything less than this is a sign it’s not a good relationship? Did his own parents have a superficially never-argued ‘perfect’ marriage and is he expecting the same? (I ask because of his mother’s similar coping style of smiling like everything’s just fine, even when it’s not, and not talking about anything unpleasant). And perhaps this idealized  view he has of relationships wasn’t challenged during the earlier ‘honeymoon phase’ of yours? It’s alarming though Bee that you’re already altering your own behaviour to ‘show him what he’s missing’, to play at his game, to be worthy of being someone he can see himself with in the future.

Whether this is a guy who meant what he said but lacks the backbone to follow through on his words, a guy who regrets his words but wants to act like everything’s fine rather than deal with it. or a guy who is dealing with mental health issues……you guys can’t fix this unless you deal with it head on. And at the very least, for yourself, you deserve to know. He can’t say such serious, hurtful, life-changing things to you then talk about a freaking trip in August like you’re still a couple, that would confuse the hell out of anybody. Stand up for yourself Bee and insist on some straight talk whether it makes him uncomfortable or not.

Post # 39
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I would demand couples counseling..he talks about your next house– yet doesn’t know if the wedding is back on?  That just makes no sense. 

Post # 40
Member
3451 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m going to go against the grain and say that I don’t think you need to have any heart to heart talk or whatever. Just start preparing to move out, researching a new place or whatever. And mean it. You’re free to continue pretending to be happy since it seems like you’re into that. But once he notices that you’re serious about moving and asks why (they always ask why) then you can remind him that he broke up with you and that it’s obviously time for you to move out. If he wants to take back what he said or redefine your relationship at that time (and you’re actually interested), then cool. And if he doesn’t, also cool as you’ve already done what was necessary to move on from him. Please try to notice the difference between him getting back together with you out of a sense of “oh crap, I made a huge mistake, I can’t live without her” and out of a sense of “the sex is good and she folds laundry so I may as well keep her around to pay half the mortgage until better comes along.”

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