(Closed) Fiance not excited about wedding! His 2nd time but my 1st!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8453 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

*HUGS* So sorry to hear about your job.  Are you sure that is going to happen?  Maybe he just feels stressed that he’ll be the sole provider.  This happened to my Fiance and I when we first moved to Charlotte, NC 3 years ago.  He became the breadwinner for us, and at first it really stressed him out.  He felt like we wouldn’t be able to make it.  After the dust settled, and he realized our bills were covered, he warmed up again.  Now, he loves our arrangement.

I would try to talk to him and ask him what is really bothering him.  If he’s still unsure, you could always postpone the wedding until things get better.  Best of luck with this, and hopefully the job situation will turn around for you.

Post # 5
Member
8453 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Aww I’m so sorry, you shouldn’t feel that way about your wedding.  I think your Fiance needs to understand that just because he had one bad marriage, doesn’t mean all marriages are bad.  It’d be like kissing someone who is a horrible kisser and saying you never want to kiss anyone ever again.  Just remind him that he’s marrying you, and you guys are going to have a wonderful marriage.  The key difference being YOU.  The wedding is just a day where you get a piece of paper, the relationship will be unchanged.  So stop walking on eggshells and just be the person that he fell in love with.  You’re awesome, and he knows it, he’s just being a little cold footed.

 

Post # 7
Member
8453 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Honestly, I don’t know exactly what cold feet looks like, but it doesn’t sound like he’s unhappy with you.  It just sounds like he has reservations because of his last marriage.  I’m sure the stress of finances isn’t helping, but that doesn’t seem like the real issue.

We have a friend, we’ll call him D, who went through a very bad divorce (she really raked him over the coals).  When Fiance and I got engaged, his first response to my Fiance was, “don’t do it man.”  Rude, yes, but I think the divorce was very traumatic for him.  It might be the same with your Fiance. 

I know that I want to be his wife and feel like with him by my side, we can accomplish anything together.  This is beautiful, if I was your man and I heard this, I’d definitely want to marry you.

Post # 8
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Maybe this isn’t really about you, maybe it really is about his failed marriage. This is my 3rd marriage, my husband’s first. My first husband died and my second one cheated. If your Fiance hasn’t addressed what went wrong in his last marriage, he has a reason to be worried about this one. A marriage doesn’t survive or fail on the efforts of one person. Both people have to contribute to its success or failure. What was your FI’s part in why his first marriage didn’t succeed? A “she cheated,” “she was a bitch,” “she left him and the kids,” isn’t enough. He played a part. Even if a spouse cheats, usually the marriage itself wasn’t working, the emotional connection was missing, their needs weren’t met, etc. The other spouse plays a part. Your husband needs to know what his part was so he can address it in this marriage. Did their communication fail? Did one spouse not feel supported? Was someone’s sexual needs not met? Was their childhood issues or past relationship issues that crept in and weren’t worked through? Until the real issue is put on the table, his part is looked at, and he knows what to do differently this time, he’s always going to be fearful of his future. And honestly, so should you.

I was quite fearful of marrying again because I blamed the other person for everything and I felt like my life was out of my control. It was only through therapy that I was able to see my part in my failed marriage that I realized how much control I actually did have. It wasn’t one person totally in control of my happiness. It was my husband and I working together on a daily basis to create the marriage we want. That’s the only thing that gave me piece of mind.

Post # 9
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

@OP- I’m sorry your Fiance is doing this to you, it’s crappy. As a divorced bee I can tell you that I honestly don’t even think about my last marriage in regards to my current relationship other than how healthy my current one is and how f*ed up my marriage was. I don’t think it’s healthy to just assume because a previous marriage failed that the next is doomed. You aren’t his ex wife and you need to tell him that. Point out all the good in your relationship and how you are meant to be together. I would ask him point blank if he’s having second thoughts, as much as it would hurt to postpone or cancel the wedding I’d rather know sooner rather than later.

Post # 10
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@turkey22:  I get why he wouldn’t be excited for the wedding, but the part that really bugs me here is that he doesn’t seem willing to support you. You’re not choosing to quit your job, and he is still being reluctant. What happens if you get sick? What he happen if he gets sick? I’d like to think that the guy I am marrying is willing to look after me until I can get back on my feet. I think that’s the part you really need to address. That’s what marriage is about… you’re a team.

It sounds to me like he is still wanting the marriage part, which is good. Maybe the whole hiring a photographer thing is making him a bit anxious. I don’t know.

My SO and I aren’t engaged yet, but he is still going thru a long, messy divorce. He wants to marry again, but we’re doing the no frills thing for a variety of reasons so you’re not alone in that regard.

I am not really sure what advice to give you other than to really make sure he’s the right guy for you. His leaving the room and shutting down behavior isn’t the best way to handle conflict. You’ll have to overcome harder things than this… especially if you have kids eventually.

 

Post # 13
Member
3146 posts
Sugar bee

@cerenatee:  Okay, I REALLY want to understand this because I keep hearing the same advice that says that two people always play a part in the breakdown of a home.  I am honestly trying to learn here and be open minded to growing as a person.  I don’t know why but this has always been hard for me to swallow.  I consider myself a pretty humble person.  However, I still struggle to accept that my first marriage failed partly because of me when he cheated.  I feel like, I picked someone who was not mature and ready for marriage and being an adult.  I picked someone who I thought was truthful and ended up being a liar.  I guess I can see that my chooser was broken because I picked someone who did not honor our vows.  But how can it possibly be my fault at all?  Again, I am asking this question because I honest to God would like to learn why people say this.  To me, it is never okay to cheat.  So I feel that he chose that, then that’s his burden to bear.  I am not into the blame game since I am way past him and in a wonderful, loving relationship but I find this advice about the responsibility intriguing. 

@turkey22

Is he open to counseling?  I get the impression that this is beyond cold feet.  One can only hope that when entering a marriage, that the two people are able to move on from their past in a healthy way.  Maybe he’s just not over it and needs professional help on coming to terms with the divorce?

Post # 14
Member
2903 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@Butterfly6:  I am right there with you. My ex had an affair and then he filed for divorce and married the whore. I obviously chose the wrong guy but I have been told by friends/family that I did nothing to deserve that.

 @turkey22:  I had kinda the same feelings before getting remarried. He is just reliving the past a bit and it has nothing to do with you. Divorce can be very traumatic and he is probably just a little nervous.

Post # 15
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Butterfly6:  Please don’t think I’m saying one person is responsible for their spouse cheating, cause I’m not. Everyone has a choice to make and obviously they made the worst one possible. What I’m saying is that when one person cheated, usually the other person played a part, even if the part is minimal. Maybe the spouse cheated because the marriage bond itself had broken down. With work, kids, bills, parents, communication issues, etc, you can lose the intimacy and emotional bond of a marriage. You can stop talking, stop having sex, stop making that person feel valued, stop meeting their emotional and mental needs. Is that justification to cheat? Heck no because the other person can work to get that stuff back or if their partner is just unwilling to meet their needs, they can divorce. So it’s not justification but it is one of the reasons people cheat and it took both people to let the marriage deteriorate to that point. Going forward the person can work on making their relationship the priority.

Or a spouse can cheat because they’re just serial cheater or unable to be in a monogamous relationship. Is that the other person’s fault? Again, heck no but it is their fault that they missed the signs, they ignored the warnings of friends and family, they found out he/she was cheating and took the person back with no more than a promise of “I’ll never do it again” without ever getting to the heart of why they cheated in the first place. If a person doesn’t feel good about themselves or feels incomplete without a relationship then they will put up with unacceptable behavior so that they’re not alone. It’s not their fault the other person cheated but maybe if they weren’t so focused on finding someone, any someone, to complete them or  make them feel good about themselves they could have taken their time and made a better choice. Going forward they can work on becoming the person they want to be and fulfilling their own needs.

Those are just things off the top of my head. It definitely doesn’t pertain to every relationship. Maybe their were other issues in your relationship but I believe it takes two people to make a marriage work and it takes two people to make a marriage fail. It’s about learning from what went wrong and doing something different the next time.

In your case, you said you picked the wrong person. Maybe it’s as simple as that but I would have to ask myself why? What did I ignore or minimize? What did I focus too much on? What didn’t I know that I should have known?

Post # 16
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

my fiance has been married previously, actually not much before i met him. he was with his ex for about 5 years and got married last minute in someones backyard because he was trying to join the military. just a few months later, she had left him for someone else, and he was still dealing with the divorce when i met him. on day one he told me he was never getting married again because it didnt mean anything to anyone anymore. less than 2 weeks later he asked me to be his girlfriend. less than a year later he asked me to be his wife. i had to leave town for 7 weeks for job training and he was a paranoid wreck the whole time about me leaving him. but when i came home and he realized i never would he went and bought a ring that day. he was so insecure about it for months and months it was almost intolerable. but he told me his concerns and i proved him wrong. hopefully whatever it was that ruined his first marriage is something he can be open with you about and you can prove him wrong too. and hopefully you can help him realize, as my fiance says to me, it didnt work with her because it was meant to work with you 🙂 cliche, but things fall apart so better things can come together. i hope he can see that!

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