(Closed) Fiance Not head over heels in love, got"excited"when looking at a girl

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
8444 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@BrideToBe14:  *HUGS*  Sorry your guy is kind of acting like a jerk, but at least he’s being a brutally honest jerk.  You have to decide if you want to marry a guy that sees you in this way.  Also, is he helping you pay bills or is he relying on you financially since he’s been unemployed?  Would you be okay with being the only breadwinner?  I think before you get engaged, you both probably need to get some couples counseling to see if this is really the kind of relationship you want to be in.

Post # 4
214 posts
Helper bee

In my opinion, it is simply a biological fact that we will be turned on by people other than our partners… including to the point of getting an erection, which men can not control. It was absolutely disrespectful for him to stare at the picture in front of you like that, though..

Unemployment can be tough on people psychologically, even if they don’t show it. I do think therapy would be a good idea for the two of you, as it sounds like there are some communication difficulties surrounding his lack of employment/ambition and your efforts to motivate him.

Post # 5
7208 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@BrideToBe14:  Woah. 

OK, let me talk about this in reverse order. The getting a hard-on while looking at a beautiful naked woman is perfectly normal. You dont’ want him to get a hard-on looking at someone else- then stop showing him naked pictures of models. It was a perfectly normal physical response. I wouldn’t have had sex with him immediately after either, but I wouldn’t have been upset- I would have just laughed about it. 

Second- He sounds depressed. He lost his job and is just sitting around. He doesn’t want your help. He’s not taking care of himself or your home. He’s idealizing past relationships. These are all signs of depression. I’m guessing because he doesn’t NEED to work (just living off savings) for now, he doesn’t see it as a problem. With no immediate need, he is not motivated to do anything about his situation. Meanwhile, you are “nagging” him after you come home from being a productive member of society, making him feel more worthless. This isn’t your fault- he’s got issues he needs to deal with. But he needs to deal with them because he wants to. 

I don’t know what you should do from here. Personally, I would probably step back. I’d explain that I think his inactivity is a sign of depression and maybe that is clouding his view of our relationship as well as making it hard for me to be the best partner I can be. I’d consider moving out and dating and if that doesn’t work, moving on. 

I’m really sorry. It is a horrible situations. Wishing you the best. 

Post # 8
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

i don’t think the model part is a big deal, except that he shouldn’t be so crass when it obviously upsets you. 


but the lazy, video game playing ‘i’m not head over heels in love with you but i could be if only you did everything around here instead of 90% and boosted my ego 3 hours a day’ is BULLSHIT and i would not be taking that. 


especially when he says he’s thought about breaking up with you twice? oh really? breaking up with the ambitious, hard working girl who’s standing by him through unemployment? then he could play video games completely uninterrupted! if that happens, i guarantee he’ll literally wake up out of a year long fog of domino’s pizza and gta and wonder ‘wtf happened?’


Post # 9
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@BrideToBe14:  It sounds like your fiance is suffering some serious self esteem issues because of his lack of employment. I know that logically he should be out there with a postitive outlook, trying to find a new job, etc etc. But men are weird. And I think it’s pretty common for them to feel emasculated and lose their confidence when they lose their job and their female counterpart is the only breadwinner.

I don’t know what the solution is. You said he has savings, maybe he could get some counseling? I think alone and as a couple would be helpful to both of you.

I don’t know if he is actually an asshole, or just acting like one and saying hurtful things to you because he is in a dark place right now.

I think all you can do is tell him you’re sorry that he hasn’t felt supported, and ask what you can do to make him feel better supported. Also let him know that it isn’t okay to disrespect you just because he isn’t in a happy place.

Sorry you’re going through this!

Post # 10
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@BrideToBe14:  This is a tough one. I know that you don’t want to hear this, but this should be the “excitng time in your life” aka the Honeymoon phase, if you will. You should be attracted to him and vice-versa. The fact that he’s pretty much implying that you are not his dream girl speaks volumes.

Also, has he just recently gotten so lazy with playing video games, not cleaning, etc.? Or was he hard-working/helpful when employed. He may be depressed, but that’s still not an excuse to act like a total jerk.

I can’t tell you what to do, but please don’t feel that you have to turn yourself into a “meek and submissive woman” to please him. You should never have to change your personality for a guy. However, if you do feel that you are harping on him 24/7, then maybe this relationship isn’t healthy as it’s bringing out the worst in you? These are just things to think about.

Post # 12
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@BrideToBe14: “I know I have driven him to resent me so much….” nope. don’t do that – do NOT make him being disrespectful your fault. 

if he felt he was starting to resent you, he could have calmly talked to you about it before it got to be such a big problem (him debating breaking up with you etc). there are lots of ways that adults deal with their issues, he doesn’t seem to be doing any of them. 


Post # 13
7647 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@BrideToBe14:  Are you really surprised by what he said? Because honestly if you acknoledge you treat him kind of crappy and you admit that he has been less than a help and does shit half-ass, this shouldn’t be a surprise that you guys aren’t ready to create a marriage.

He needs to start looking for a job, and in the meantime he needs to pull his weight around the house a bit. You need to stop nagging so much though. If you come home and make him feel like crap for not being employeed I can see why he resents you. Besides, men have to feel needed, and I assume that with being unemployeed he feels really depressed he isn’t contributing.

As for the model thing…its a model. A normal response to me actually. Would I be a little grossed out and probably avoid having sex with him? Yeah, but it doesn’t mean he isn’t attracted to you or attracted to women on the street and gets a hard on for every girl he sees in the supermarket.

I’d suggest couples counseling to start off with and hammer out some of these issues.

Post # 14
1886 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@peonyinlove:  +1. OP, I would be furious! You are not overreacting. I don’t know how you kept from kicking his ass out the door the second that “not head over heels in love” “not my dream girl” “still love my ex” and “thought about breaking up with you twice” crap was out of his mouth. Bye bye. It’s not like you’re complaining all while he’s working his ass off to try and find a job, he sits around playing video games and it doesn’t sound like he does much around the house either.


Glad you’re looking into a therapist. You guys need to figure out whether you can get on the same page about the future.


Post # 15
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I guess I’m not sure why you’re nagging him so much about getting a job if he has 6 figures in savings? It sort of sounds like he’s earned a bit of downtime, if he’s already worked hard enough to have thst much in savings.. No? As long as he’s still keeping up his end of the financial bargain, I would give him a bit of a pass on this. Obviously he can’t be unemployed forever, but there’s no sense nagging him everyday. 

Second, men get many erections throughout the day, and get turned on by different things then women. As a woman, we have no outwardly signs of being turned on, men do (hard penis). You can’t blame him for being turned on when you showed him a picture of beautiful naked model. Of course I wouldn’t have had sex right after that either, but I also wouldn’t have been upset at his reaction, it was normal. 

The real issue is that it doesn’t sound like either of you are convinced that the other is the right partner for you. That’s a problem thst needs focusing on. You need to figure out where your relationship goes from here, beyond all the nagging.

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