(Closed) Fiance Not head over heels in love, got"excited"when looking at a girl

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

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@BrideToBe14:  aha ok makes sense πŸ™‚

I’m also new at this πŸ™‚ just a little tips for you, if your thread is going quiet, just write “bump” or something as a message on your post, it will put it back on the top of the board list πŸ™‚

Post # 48
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013
Post # 50
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@BrideToBe14:Β  No offense, but I’m almost wondering if this is for real, because you sound so unhappy that I don’t get why you’d WANT to marry him.

You’ve already got a healthy case of contempt going for him — with or without cause doesn’t even matter; all that does matter is that feeling contempt for your Fiance is a really bad sign for the future.

On top of that, you imply that the opposite of nagging is being “sweetly submissive.” Not true. The opposite of nagging is respectful communication. It sounds like that’s not possible between the two of you.

Third, your Fiance has twice (?!) considered breaking up with you, and you say several times that while he likes you for X qualities, he would prefer some other type of girl because that type would be easier to live with. Honey, this is not something anyone should EVER have to think about their Fiance. You should feel certain (all the way to your bones) that you are your FI’s first and only choice.

You don’t seem right for each other.

Don’t marry this guy.

Post # 51
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

@BrideToBe14:  

I’m divorced. It sounds like you two are incompatible. I am like you, and my first husband was very laid back and just let life happen to him. It didn’t work for me. I loved my ex, I was attracted to my ex, I didn’t have one doubt when I got married, but I can look back now and see this. I actually went to marriage counselling and it was there that I realized my ex and I were incompatible and one of us needed to change to be happy. I can’t control him or change him, I can only control and change myself and I didn’t want to be someone else, and I didn’t think he would or should have to change either to be honest. There was nothing ‘wrong’ with either of us, our personalities just didn’t work long term & I wound up resenting him and leaving him.

My boyfriend now is as driven as I am and it works. I want to do all those awesome things for him constantly, I don’t have to ‘make an effort’, it just happens. I never nag him to do anything, he just does. Not all men do things half ass and blow things off, if they do, then yeah, they maybe belong with a woman who doesn’t care, but you do care.

I’m not telling you to break up, I’m just giving you something to think about. You two sound incompatible, and that doesn’t mean you can’t work, it just means one or both of you needs to change, and it’s only 1 post but it doesn’t sound like he is going to be willing to change based on what you’ve said, it’s like he doesn’t really care about your relationship. Its convenient for him, but he’s not willing to do the one thing you asked, get a job.

As for being head over heels in love with his ex, I would never allow myself to feel like I was second best or the consolation prize. I will always be the special one that changed their life, that they loved more than anyone else, because otherwise I wouldn’t be with him, but that’s just me, because I am super confident, independent & aggressive. I will never be the runner up. I would never allow myself to be in a relationship that made me feel like that.

The getting excited over a naked girl, I couldn’t care less. That’s a physical response you can’t control.

Post # 52
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like your Fiance is depressed and is going through a mini “mid-life” crisis (or quarter-life crisis depending on how old he is).  Men are usually way more sensitive about their careers and feeling “effective” in the world.  The way he’s acting is pretty typical of a man whose depressed and the fact that you’re feeling contempt and angry at him & his “laziness” is making him even more depressed, which in turn will make him want to do even less for you. 

I absolutely understand what you’re going through because my Fiance was unemployed for a long time when he moved in with me, and he felt like an utter failure because it was so hard for him to find a job.  He acted very similar to what your Fiance is doing (minus talk about other women) playing video games, not helping out, etc.  But the WORST thing you can do is show him how much he’s disappointing you and can’t do anything right to make you happy.  He wants to feel like he’s your “hero” and that he can make you happy.  I know how he’s behaving is making you feel anything but that, but the best thing you can do is give him your love & support and show him through your words & behavior that you believe in him — and then let him figure out his own life.  If you chose him to marry, then you need to trust him as a man (regardless of how he’s acting at the moment) that eventually he’ll figure his own sh*t out, because he will.   I can guarantee that if you continue to go down this road that you are on, with the anger and showing him everyday how disappointed you are in him and nothing he does is right, it will drive him further away from you, make him to do even less because he feels he’s not good enough, and eventually he will more than likely run into the arms of another woman who makes him feel like he can make her happy.

I know you’re extremely angry & frustrated.  I get it, I’ve totally been you are for awhile.  But marriage is about being there for each other for better or worst, and right now it is your FI’s low point in his life.  The best way to help him man-up and step up to the plate is with positive reinforcement, lots of appreciation & love from you for the little things he DOES do (doesn’t have to be perfect), and STAY OUT of his business — let him figure out his own life.  Stop mothering him and “helping” him find jobs, etc.  He is a grown man, and the more you try to run his life, the less he’ll want to do anything about it.

 

Post # 54
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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@BrideToBe14:  I think it’s good that he’s admitting to his issues. I would suggest asking him to go to counseling.  Only HE can make himself better.  You should try and respect him more and not nag as much, but honestly, sometimes I nag because I want the best for Fiance, not because I’m a bitch.  But I get why it comes off maybe as disrepect sometimes.

I’m a little taken back by the fact that he thinks all you guys have is a chance.  I mean that doesn’t sound very promising. 

I am a very headstrong person, confident, and not a submissive type of girl at all.  So my expectation of a man may be different.  I think that he should want to work harder and really FIGHT for you like a man if he really loves you.

I don’t know your whole situation, what your relationship has been like to add anymore meaniful advice or thoughts. But definitely, good luck! 

In the end, do what makes YOU happy… and don’t settle for a man and a relationship that you have to work so hard to keep.  

Post # 55
Member
2529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

He told me he could possibly become head over heels if I start treating him better but right now he is not! But he says he was head over heels, when we were engaged.

Uhm, yeah right. This guy fell out of love with you HARD because he’s in a slump over his own unemployment, and he’s pinning the blame on YOU because blaming you makes it easier for him to avoid being the “jerk” in the situation.

Then he’s saying and doing things that totally contradict his “head over heels” statement – yeah, he still has feelings for his ex because he thinks YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, he is attracted to other women because YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
There is a trend here and he’s spelling it out for you loud and clear.

You will never be good enough for this man – that’s just the way he is. 

This isn’t a man I would want to stay in a relationship with.
I’d reccomend leaving him and finding someone who absolutely values having you (just the way you are!!) in their life.

[ETA] There are things that make me happy like yourself and video games. … I got into a bad habit of spending my free time playing video games rather then doing things productive to my life.  

I think it’s weird that he equates being happy with you to playing video games… then almost immediatley blames video games for his problems. It’s a weird double-standard, like saying the thing he loves most (video games) is his downfall. What happens when he doesn’t have the video games to blame anymore?
I think this guy is a finger-pointer, through and through.

I still say get him out of your life.

Post # 58
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I will be honest, this doesn’t sound good to me. I’m sorry. πŸ™

First, you can’t make someone happy if they are unhappy with themselves deep down. He doesn’t generally get along with headstrong people like you, but really hopes he can not find this so annoying, and hopes he can be a different person. “A chance” isn’t very optimistic, and the out of other people at the end…eek. 

I am 37 and dated A LOT before finding someone who accepted me warts and all. This reminds me so much of letters I’ve exchanged with exes, where we were both trying to fit a square peg into a round hole…swearing over and over that “I’ll really try to be a different person” and “I’ll stop being that way you find so annoying.” Yes, you should change if you’re being hurtful to someone or causing an unproductive situation, but I was always walking on eggshells to act just right.

It is a different world being with someone where you can relax and be yourself.

 

Post # 59
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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@BrideToBe14:  yeah, definitely agreed. He’s already thinking about it not working out… that’s not a good sign! 

To be brutally honest, I think he’s too chicken to break it off with you himself and probably want you to do it.  Like you said, you guys live together. So he’s confortable there, don’t want to change, etc.  So it’s hard for him to just pack up and leave himself.

Also, I reread the email again, and realized that no where in that email does he mention anything about his LOVE for you… that he loves you… etc.

The ideal email would be I love you with all my heart and want this to work and i’m willing to work hard at it with you…. etc.  

Go to happy hour, take a long walk.. (at the mall? lol) and think about it! good luck!

Post # 60
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@BrideToBe14:  Counseling sounds like a really excellent idea for the both of you.  There’s manipulation being attempted on both sides that just sounds very unhealthy and immature.

The whole “I’m not head over heels but I could be if….”  is particularly strange to me.  Sounds like something I heard during a dysfunctional high school relationship.

Post # 61
Member
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@BrideToBe14:    Can you combine this thread with your other one of the same subject matter – to dump Fiance or not ?  There is lots of great advice in both and I think it might help those reply ing to see both – not sure if that can be done???  

The topic ‘Fiance Not head over heels in love, got"excited"when looking at a girl’ is closed to new replies.

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