Post # 1
Hi Bees. I’m struggling with wanting to keep my fiance involved in the wedding planning process when I know he hates everything about it vs. just doing it all myself and feeling resentful of him later. When we got engaged, he said he wanted to be involved, but now, when we talk about any aspect of the wedding he seems to just shut down and not be interested. I was an event planner, so it comes really easily to me, but it’s still overwhelming trying to do everything myself, and very time consuming. We’ve also had a few fights about it where I thought he finally realized that it’s a lot of work and stress to put on my shoulders, but he still reacts the same way when I try to bring it up. I’ve now instituted weekly meetings with him to work on the wedding but the first one we had, I still ended up doing the task I had asked him to do with very little input from him. Maybe it’s just a waste of both mine and his time.
What would you do? 1) Do it all yourself and only take big decisions to him. 2) Keep slowly plugging away together, hoping it will get better.
Some context: He proposed late last year and our wedding is in six months. I have done most of the work to this point, he’s handling a few small things himself. We’re about 50% done with all the tasks and I’ve booked all the vendors. Also, his ex and her mom planned and paid for his first wedding completely so I think he has skewed expectations.
The sad part is, I’m starting to feel that he doesn’t even want to marry me. That’s not a good feeling. I also don’t have any bridesmaids so it’s not like they can help me with anything.
Post # 2
I suspect your last paragraph is more of what the issue is really about, so I would explore that with him and within yourself, and not mention the fact that he isn’t helping with the planning.
Post # 3
SHow him the cost of a wedding planner then tell him to choose: pay the planner or step up and do the work.
Post # 4
A couple of things.
1. I thnk most grooms just aren’t that interested/involved in the planning process but I think you’re right in that his expectations are skewed into “hey my ex did it, must be easy and since FI’s already an event planner, she’s got this completely under control.” Give him more responsibility and remind him that this is his wedding too and he needs to step up.
Btw, my Fiance said “planning a wedidng is easy, I can do all the negotiating” and here I am doing all the planning and booking….whatever dude. I make him read all contracts now since he’s so good at that.
2. If you’re feeling this way you need to talk to your Fiance and tell him how this makes you fee. Give him the chance to reassure you and tell you where he’s coming from.
Communication is key here bee. If you have a problem you need to voice it so you and he can work together to resolve. Keeping quiet and allowing resentment to build is not a way to operate in a healthy relationship. Good luck bee.
Post # 5
Fiance is the same. We’ve also got less than 6 months and we started planning in December (before he formally proposed as it happens).
He said “I don’t mind about the flowers” yet as soon as I made decisions he started sending pictures he liked and said he liked the look of a flower crown and he thinks it would suit me. This has also happened a bit with the cake.
I honestly don’t know. I’m sorting myself out for makeup and hair. And he knows I want to buy ribbon for a DIY project. So I guess I’m already only going to him for the big things.
Unless you have any reason to think he doesn’t want to marry you then it’s likely just stress. Hang in there.
Post # 6
I would say give him two options on everything and let him choose. Venue? This one or that one? Colors? These or those?
Narrow it down and present him an opportunity to have a say but not hold you up.
Post # 7
I don’t think that brides need to accept that grooms are not just into it. If they have agreed to have a wedding then they need to participate. In your case you seem to know what you are doing. I would advice to make a To Do-list and sit down and divide it. Make a schedule together and mark things down where you can do independent decisions and when you need to present top 3 options for each other. The research is the biggest pain in the butt, so you doing the research and him pointing and getting credit for decisions is just annoying (unless you are into it).
We actually had a talk about yesterdaywith my boyfriend about how the fight is never about the thing, but what it represents. It usually comes down to feeling rejected, feeling unloved and feeling unappreciated. Your last paragraph made it sound like this was the case. When you have your talk, mention this. If he says he is not just into wedding planning then come up with a new plan on what type of wedding to have.
Post # 8
sablescorpion22 : Good advice. I already gave him a few tasks for him to work on and reminded him it’s his wedding too. I will talk to him to your point #2. It is starting to get me down, I just wanted to hear from other people to see if I was way off base or not. Thankfully I’ve booked all the vendors already so it’s more little tasks but it’s things we still need to do together, like meet with our officiant, decide on the menu, write our vows, etc. etc.
Post # 9
I’m planning most of my wedding too, because I’m way better at research and planning. I do it happily. I still ask for my fiance’s opinion before commiting to something. I’m good at this and he’s better at other things.
Post # 10
It might be his wedding too, but I’ve gotten the impression most grooms are just in it to get married, they don’t care about the actual wedding.
Darling Husband was involved in picking out our menu and a few other things, but otherwise he wasn’t really interested and I wasn’t going to force him.
If your Fiance isn’t into wedding planning, you can’t force him to want to be involved. If you can’t handle everything on your own, or you’re not getting help and you need it you can’t force anyone to help you. If you’re that stressed out, scale back on what you’re doing as one PP said.
Post # 11
We do the whole, wedding planning night once a week too. I’ll admit though, that my wedding is pretty low key, so it’s not been hard to plan.
Maybe give Fi a specific assignment?
My Fi cares about music, so I put him in charge of the DJ. We aren’t asking for gifts and are telling people their presence is enough, but fi is concerned people will ignore us and bring money or gift cards, so we are putting a table to the side and he’s in charge of coming up with a card/money box.
IDK, he’s offered to help with more, but I don’t really have any problems making decisions and he’s pulled the whole “I don’t care about the wedding, I want to be married to you” card on multiple occasions. So I tell him the plans and he contributes if he sees a need, like he thought out centerpieces needed tea lights, and so he researched and bought these really cute, submersible tea lights. They’re going to look pretty cool.
As for the worry about whether your fiance still wants to marry you, I think the only way to get past that is to talk to him. Maybe he’s just overwhelmed or party planning really isn’t his thing and it’s not reflective of your relationship.
Post # 12
rez123 : Very much agreed on that it’s what the thing represents, not the actual task. I’ve already voiced some of these feelings to him, but I will do so more. He already knows that I feel underappreciated but unfortunately it doesn’t change the way he acts when we get down to the details. He has started saying to friends “oh she’s done such a good job planning our wedding” but that doesn’t help me much.
Post # 13
brideinwaiting234 : I hate this narrative that grooms aren’t interested and so get a free ride because women love planning weddings. Stuff that. My husband prides himself on helping around the house and so I added planning the wedding into the list of chores because sometimes it certainly felt that way. So, as with all household chores it ebbs and flows as to who does the most depending on what we each have going on but we both get it done. Both of us. We agreed on weekly meetings to discuss stuff, set the ground rule that no wasn’t an answer – “no but how about…” or “no but how about I go look alternatives…” were acceptable though. I did more at the beginning because of his schedule but he did more at the end when my anxiety was getting bad.
My husband did try the excuse of he’d never planned a wedding and didn’t know what he was doing. My response was “and how many fucking weddings do you think I’ve planned?” That shut him up and he got to work with me.
Post # 14
Thats a crummy feeling to have, and definitely something you want to get sorted out with your fiance right away. I can think of a couple things you may want to consider:
First, since you’re an event planner, he may think this is your territory and he doesn’t need to be involved. Conversely, maybe as an event planner you have higher expectations than most people.
Second, I wonder if this being his second wedding has taken out some of the excitement for him. Not that he doesn’t want to marry YOU, but its possible he’s not too interested in going through another wedding. Maybe I’m way off base about it, but it could explain his behavior.
Post # 15
loz24 : I know you didn’t mean it, but it’s a pet peeve so I have to. Along with letting grooms to get a free ride cause women love planning weddings (do we, really?), we also need to change the phraising where men “help” around the house.