Fiance or Parents? HELP!

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
6582 posts
Bee Keeper

I dont have any advice because this is highly nuanced because of your culture. But from my personal POV – your parents are dicks. At the very least, your future ILs seem great, so you’ll still have some parental figures. I’m sorry you’re going through this though.

Post # 3
Member
512 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I agree with PP.  The culture issue makes it difficult to give advice, because I can’t completely understand without living it.  I think that your parents are not being fair.  Do you think that they are serious about disowning you?  I’ve had some luck calling my parents bluff when they are being unreasonable.  They eventually come around.  Your parents may just be overwhelmed.  Maybe you can talk to them away from your fiancee and his family, and express to them how you understand tradition is important to them, but that they are making themselves look bad by not being reasonable.  

Another option is to elope.  you pay yourself, and nobody invites anybody. 

Post # 4
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2023

I’d walk from my parents in this case. They are being disrespectful and I wouldn’t tolerate it. 

Post # 5
Member
3387 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Is there perhaps a respected and trusted community leader that you can speak to about this and ask for some guidance from? I don’t know anything about either of the cultures involved here, but I did grow up in a religious community and sometimes families would seek the guidance of leaders in that religious community to help sort out disagreements.

Maybe if you find the right community leader, they can act as a bridge between you and your parents – help them to understand that you are not trying to disrespect them, but rather to respect both them and your Future In-Laws.  They do need to understand that their way of life is not the only way to live.

Post # 6
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

You have no guarantee that your parents would approve of the next guy if you did break up with your fiance. It sounds like your fiance has already shown you that he is willing to be with you through tough times and it sounds like his family is compassionate and accepting of you. Sometimes you have to create your own family and this might be one of those times.

Post # 7
Member
607 posts
Busy bee

The main leverage you have against your parents is your presence. So they may threaten to disown you but seriously they’ll probably want to talk to you again, it may take a while but my guess is that they’ll come around. I would pick the fiance and build a new family with him. 

Post # 8
Member
1255 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018 - The Venue, Barkisland, UK

You’ve talked about what your parents want for the wedding, and what your fiance wants from the wedding, but what do you want from your wedding?

I would argue that you – the bride and groom – should pay for the entire wedding (even if that makes it a small affair) and then your parents don’t need to fight over anything, but I imagine to refuse the help from your families might offend them? It does sound rather like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.

Post # 9
Member
6649 posts
Bee Keeper

I have no direct experience with either culture. I agree with PP–your fiance and his family are willing to break from cultural norms, not blame you for your parents’ rude and disrespectful behavior and are concerned for your well-being and happiness above all else. And that is worth a great deal. 

This will not be the first time you disagree with your parents. Will they expect to control how you raise your children? What job you have? Where you vacation? When does it stop? 

Do your parents understand that they were rude? Their poor behavior does not present your family in the best light–they have embarrassed your family. Do you think getting the parents together again in a few weeks would even make a difference? 

Post # 10
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

I don’t know anything about either culture but I do agree with NikkiBee18 :  about starting your own family. I’m not trying to be offensive or disrespectful but are you going to live the rest of your life with your parents or this man that you love and who loves you? (And whose parents seem to be amazingly understanding.)

Your parents might be bluffing and they might not be but the bottom line is parents do not always know best. If you’re in love with your fiance and you want a life together you might have to let your parents go and in the end it’s not really your choice, it’s theirs. You’re not pushing them out of your life, they’re pushing you out of theirs. 

At the end of the day you have to ask yourself: Do I want to surround myself with people who love me unconditionally and support me or do I want to always be in fear of the people in my life disowning me if I don’t OBEY them?

Can you live the rest of your life in complete obedience?

Post # 11
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

I grew up with Hmongs in my community, tradition and family obligations were STRONG. They clearly loved eachother very much, but somethings as we got older I thought were not ok- like a girl forced to get married because she spent the night out with a boy, she was still a virgin, and she wasn’t old enough to drive but they made her get married (or be disowned). Another girl who was married living with her inlaws had to quit school because she became basically the MIL’s servant, she needed to cook, clean, have kids, do everything for the house. And there were a few other Hmong girls in my high school classes who were married with babies, that was just crazy to me! And just after high school i knew a girl who was in an abusive marriage who tried to run back to her parents because she wanted a divorce, they refused to help and took her back to the inlaws saying she was a disgrace. So from my POV the Hmong culture is not very fair to females. (This is just what I saw in my city, your family could be completely different)

I have friends, neighbors, and future inlaws from other Asian cultures, first generation children are always battling tradition vs. modern American culture. I think because Hmongs lost everything in the war they’re less willing to compromise their traditions now. But this is a different time and place, and children need to choose their own paths in life. I watch my own Asian fiance I watch him do things he hates to make his parents happy- then I ask, so if this tradition is so important are you going to force it on our child? I  remember asking my fiance when we met “ok, so when are you going to do what makes you happy and have control over your own damn life?” And after a long silence he said”I guess after they die.” No no no! We almost broke up that day. It’s been baby steps but him and his siblings+cousins have been standing up for themselves lately and that teamwork has brought on some good compromises. Even the oldest son who was “disowned” is now back around. I know Hmong parents are more stubborn, but maybe you can have a meeting with your siblings and discuss things- what’s happening to you will happen to them. Stand strong together.

You have to do what’s best for you! Your fiance and his family seem like good people, he obviously loves you very much 🙂 can you imagine life without him? If you believe with all your heart that he is your soulmate, then you should choose him. Try to make things work with your parents but don’t give up the man you love for a lifetime if misery. Traditions are important but not when they impede on your right to happiness.

Post # 12
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

If at all possible in your culture, maybe an elopement might be an option here? I really can’t see any smooth solutions :/

Post # 13
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

burgundyunicorm :  I’m not Hmong, but I really dislike a lot of Asian cultures/mentalities where parents are always threatening to disown their children for ridiculous things. 

If you sided with your parents then you’re probably going to face a similar situation with your next boyfriend or fiance. If you survive that, then there will always be something that your parents will be unhappy about (your job, where you live, how you raise your kids, etc.). 

If your parents don’t contribute, then they don’t get a say in the wedding. If they disown you, then I’m sorry, but at least you’ll have a supportive future husband and welcoming in-laws. 

Post # 14
Member
1102 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

It sounds like your parents are being unreasonable assholes. 

I’d pick my fiancé and elope, honestly. 

Post # 15
Member
3833 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Imagine if you broke up with your fiance for your parents, and then they didn’t like your next boyfriend either, and the whole cycle would go on until you found someone to fit their criteria. Getting married is a big and personal life decision and no one else should make it for you. Stick by your fiance. I’m sure this will not be the last time you have to go head to head with your parents, and at least if you don’t back down now it might be easier next time around. I know it’s so hard for me to have a clear view of this because of the culture involved, but I can’t agree in any culture about calling your child an embarrassment or disowning them if they don’t do what you want. 

Eloping sounds fantastic in this situation, or a small wedding you pay for yourself. I don’t know if you’ll be able to bring yourself to break with tradition that much, but imagine how much easier a secret elopement would be! Yes you’d have to deal with hurt feelings afterwards, but it sounds like you’d have that anyway, so… 

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