- 3 years ago
My situation is going be a long one but I want to give as much details as possible. I’m 26 and my fiance is 29 and we’ve been engaged for a little over a month now. From the beginning, my parents did not like him and wanted me to break it off with him because he smokes and drinks socially. He is not a druggie or alcoholic by any means. My parents assume that he’s a bad person and would not know how to take care of me because of that. We are both Asians but ethcinically speaking, I am Hmong and he is Korean so the backgrounds/customs do differ quite a bit.
In my culture, there’s an engagement discussion that takes place to neogtiate wedding finances and to have others witness that the two couple are serious about each other. This all took place yesterday at my house and needless to say, it did not go well and I expected that it wouldn’t. In my culture, there is a bride price that the groom has to pay and he also pays for the wedding ceremony. In his culture, the bride pays for the majority of the wedding and the groom pays for the little details such as the wedding dress, DJ, etc… My dad insisted that since he is not making my fiance pay the bride pride, that he expects for my fiance to pay for the whole wedding. My dad wants to invite about 200 people from our side and that’s even including my friends. My fiance is planning on inviting 150 people. Imagine how high the cost would be! My fiance and his parents wanted to do away with both culture and have the cost be split evenly in the middle between the two families but my dad would not budge.
My dad doesn’t think that my fiance and his family respected him and my mom because they got “heated.” To be fair, my parents got heated and I can especially see that my dad’s face was stiff and he wanted to lay it “thick” on my fiance and his family. I am very disappointed in how my parents handled the whole situation and they have disrepected my fiance and his family. For example, my fiance’s parents bought basketful of fruits as a house warming gift but when the conversation went south, my dad basically asked for them to take their fruits back. That was a huge slap in the face to my fiance and his family.
My parents gave me an ultimatium which states that if I decide to marry him then they are going to disown me. They don’t want to hear about my life and they don’t want me to follow up with how they’re doing either. They told me that if I get divorced, no one will ever want me because I am a divorcee and am no longer a virgin. They also said that I’m an embarassment and that I don’t love them because I am being this disobedient to them. They bascially are speaking curses over my relationship with my fiance saying that I am going into a family that have anger issues and that my marriage will not last and that I will experience abuse.
I for sure thought my fiance’s parents will hate me but they don’t. After it all ended, they smiled, hugged me and asked if I was okay. They wanted to come back in 2-3 weeks to negotiate it and to give my paretns a chance to calm down and think things through. They told me they loved me and showed no judgemnet towards me despite how my parents acted. I know my parents and I know that they are not going to budge. It’s their way or the highway and with them, compromises are very rare. If my brothers and I try to give them our opinions on a situation, they take that as we’re defying them.
I don’t want to lose my parents and I don’t want to lose my fiance. I love all three of them and I realize that it’s is my decision in the end but since this is so fresh, I would like some outside perspective on this. I love my fiance and he loves me dearly. I know this because we have been in this limbo with my parents since the beginning of our relationship and we’re still willing to stick it out with each other. Our relationship hasn’t always been peaches and cream because we realize that we are two imperfect people that sees and does things differently but at the end of the day, we fix our problems together and move on.
I am open to suggestion and advice on how I can proceed with this situation. I still live with my parents so it’s going to be hell living with them for the next several months when they know I am going through with this wedding. On a side note, since I come from an Asian background, we place a lot of importance on family obedience/community vs an individualistic culture so it’s hard to just cut ties with my family because that would mean risking to cut off ties with the community that I grew up with too because no one is going to want to associate with me after knowing I’ve went against my parents’ wishes.
Thanks so much!