Fiance or Parents? HELP!

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Adding to the comments on calling your parents’ bluff on disowning you, if you plan to have children, your parents might not be able to resist un-disowning you once they realise there are grandchildren, especially if they’re their first. Something to consider or use as a bargaining chip, if you must.

Post # 17
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Move out of their house. You can’t make a good decision while you’re being scolded/abused/scorned/insulted/criticized/or given the silent treatment. In fact, your parents sound like they think you belong to them to control. I think at least part of you disagrees.

Post # 18
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

There may be more opportunity to compromise, so don’t give up! After all they didn’t demand the bride price. Is there a way for you or your fiance to cover your parents half? Even if you have to get a second part time job it might be worth it. 

Would anyone else be willing to help? Do you have support from your brothers or anyone else in your community? That may make a difference.

Would his parents be willing to take over more of the cost? Something like 60/40? 

 

All that being said…I don’t think you should chose your parents. 

Who’s to say that the next guy will be up to their standards? Do you want to date a traditional Hmong guy? What if you find the perfect Hmong guy, but his family still refuses to pay for the wedding/bride price? 

It does sound like you have a community waiting for you if they do disown you. 

Post # 19
Member
320 posts
Helper bee

Im korean and want to give you some insights about his family. 

They really love you. The fact that they are willing to compromise so easily on the cost of the wedding despite cultural acceptance speaks very highly. Koreans are very proud people and the fact that they didnt hold the fact that your parents were so disrespectful against you is another huge sign of them being incredibly understanding. Your parents basically did slap them in the face by telling them to take the basket of fruits back. In korea, its a sign of respect and acceptance and being friendly so your parents shoving it back in their face is a huge disrespect. Also you should know already koreans are not one to accept anyone outside of their cultures easily but they have embraced you. 

Parents wlil get over it. Your parents can embrace you like his family did or they can hold it against you. Its hard to find in laws that really love you and you are lucky enough to have them. Your future is with your husband, not your parents. Besides, do you want a family who will embrace you or threaten to disown you because you are not their puppet?

Post # 20
Member
407 posts
Helper bee

Choose your fiance. His family have shown they are willing to accept you when your own family won’t. Do not let your parents make this decision for you. There is no guarantee they’d accept the next man you bring home anyways. 

Post # 21
Member
328 posts
Helper bee

As soon as I got engaged, my mother told me that I should get my fiance’s family to pay for the wedding even though in my culture it’s the bride’s family who pays for it. My mother is very stubborn and unreasonable as well. I and my fiance automatically decided that we would have a small wedding and pay every thing ourselves. This decision saved us a lot of trouble and money. My fiance’s family also love me a lot. 

My mother tries to control the wedding planning from a distance even though she is not paying for any thing. But we have politely pushed her off. She is getting the message now. Every thing seems peaceful right now. 

May be, you and your fiance should get together and decide on something small and pay for it yourselves. You can even postpond the wedding so that you save more money because I can tell that your family will not back out of their attitude and things coud go worse. 

You can find a nice way to break it to the families by telling them that you think marriage means to grow up and be responsible, and you want to start with the wedding. You want to start your family on your own.

My other advice to you is if you ever have small problems with your finace, don’t ever bring them up to your family. In the future, they will use these little things against him. 

I wish you the best of luck with your situation.

Post # 22
Member
1501 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

It is your parents’ decision if they disown you.  They will be responsible for abandoning their daughter – it’s not on you.  I think you have some really loving new parents in your fiance’s family, and I think you should listen to your instincts and do what’s reasonable to you.

Tradition is super important in families, I understand.  But there must be compromise, and it doesn’t sound like your parents are willing to listen to reason right now.  Move forward and plan a lovely wedding with your soon-to-be new parents.  Hopefully your parents will relax a little after the newness of the situation has subsided.

Post # 23
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Fiance. He’s not telling you to chose. In predicaments where one party is telling me to chose them or someone else, I will always go with the someone else because that person isn’t telling me to pick them over someone else. Just think how much smaller the guest list just got.

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