Fiance Out of the Blue Left

posted 9 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I Move On or Try?
    Move On : (72 votes)
    89 %
    Try To Work Things Out : (9 votes)
    11 %
  • Post # 2
    1120 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    It sounds like you brushed off most of what he said to you. 1 about your living situation 2 about the size/extravagance of the wedding and 3 about his job. If my partner kept telling me to essentially “deal with it” instead of finding a solution that works for both partners, I would be tempted to leave also. He was pushed to his breaking point. Give him space and see if he comes back. 

    Post # 3
    5132 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2014

    It was out of the blue for you, but not for him. 

    My ex did the same thing. Everything was fine, we weren’t engaged, but we’d lived together for 5 years and even had trips already booked for the holidays. Then he went to visit his parents one weekend and came back Sunday night saying we needed to break up (or “take a break”, which IMO is just letting you down easy). 

    My vote is for moving on. He may well be stressed or even depressed, but that happens in life. Do you want to be with someone whose response to stress is to leave you?

    Post # 4
    4837 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    I’m unsure as to why you have two options in your poll.  You can’t work things out with someone who doesn’t want it.  

    I would give yourself a few days and then maybe try to meet your partner in order to talk things through.  A relationship and a wedding shouldn’t be called off so flippantly and you deserve to talk about it and understand what is going on.  

    What did he say to you when he told you he needs to leave?  Did he mean the relationship or your mom’s house? 

    It sounds like perhaps it wasn’t out of the blue for him though, and it maybe shouldn’t have been for you.  He brought up concerns about living with your mom and it seems like you just ignored him, and the same for the wedding.  Honestly it would stress me out if my partner brushed off all of my concerns.  It sounds like he didn’t want a big wedding and he definitely didn’t want to live with you mom in order to save for it.  Did you realise any of these things at the time? 

    Post # 5
    6038 posts
    Bee Keeper

    He may feel that you weren’t taking his concerns seriously–what feels temporary (and manageable) to you clearly didn’t feel that way for him. I would give him some space and then sit down with him, if he’s willing, to see how he is doing and learn if there is any possibility of moving forward. 

    Post # 6
    246 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    bre3 :  well I hate to say this you kind of brushed off all of his concerns and weren’t supportive in trying to help or change the situation , I hope he is alright he does sound a bit depressed maybe for all the reasons you listed. 

    Post # 7
    11490 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    All of what PPs say about his frustrations or depression may be true, but there is no excuse for blindsiding you this way, now or ever. I couldn’t trust him after this. 

    Post # 8
    3090 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    It sounds like he has been pretty unhappy for a while, so this may not actually be as out of the blue as it felt to you. I’m not going to say that you were wrong or it’s your fault – we don’t know how the conversations went when he was telling you the things he was unhappy with. Could it be that he was unhappy with more than what he was telling you? You thought that it was these temporary issues that were the problem, so that’s what you addressed and you can’t be blamed for not reading between the lines. If there was more going on that he needed his partner to help him sort through, he should have been open about those things instead of hiding behind temporary, manageable problems.

    I’d say give it a couple days so you can both have some space to think and then ask him to get together and talk. If he is set on ending the relationship, don’t try to change his mind – even if you succeed it won’t feel good. But you deserve an explanation and he owes one to you. If he is willing to try to fix the relationship, tell him that you need him to be fully open and honest about what needs fixing in order for him to be happy, and you need to be willing to do whatever is reasonable to get there. If this really does come down to poor communication on his part and/or yours, that can be fixed as long as you’re both willing to put the work in.

    Best of luck, Bee, whichever way it goes. ((Hugs))

    Post # 9
    124 posts
    Blushing bee

    Bee, I am so sorry you are going through this. It does sound that he was unhappy for a while. However, I think it’s rare when a man just leaves out of the blue unless another woman is involved. If that is not the case, I am afraid you just have to accept his decision and let him go. If it is meant to be he will come back. 

    Post # 10
    981 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2016

    Personally I wouldn’t want to work things out with someone who was so poor at communicating. In a successful marriage, you can’t just leave when there is a problem. You need to talk about problems and work on fixing them. So I’d just move on.

    Post # 11
    1838 posts
    Buzzing bee

    sboom :  I agree with you. He was unhappy for a while and unfortunately you didn’t take him seriously when he mentioned what was making him unhappy. I have heard of this happening a few times from different people. One woman did a whole Youtube series on her divorce. Her ex apparently told her he was unhappy for a long time but she ignored his comments. She thought his comments were little nagging complaints, he thought he was communicating to her he wasn’t happy. They both just didn’t communicate well enough so it fell apart. It is pretty common. Lots of people have trouble actually sitting someone down and spelling out why they aren’t happy and laying out options to change that. Even women on here often post about how they feel something their partner does is a deal breaker, but then it becomes clear that they haven’t actually sat the guy down to tell him that his behavior was being thought of as a deal breaker. 

    If he will talk to you great, you can ask him what is wrong and if/how you could support him better and if that would work. Problem is by the time someone gets to this point where they leave its too late to fix because they already reached the point of no return. Blame isn’t all on you for this either. I think each person is responsible for speaking up, and then speaking up again if they aren’t being heard. He chose to not sit you down and say, hey these things are making me unhappy but I don’t think you understand how unhappy I am, are there things we can do to make me feel better? But he didn’t. 

    You are probably better off. Also lesson learned that checking in with your partner is never a bad idea. 

    Post # 12
    1216 posts
    Bumble bee

    So sorry to hear this. I hate that other people are saying you brushed off his concerns. We don’t know that you intentially did that. My interpretation is that he was not adamant enough about his grievances. He accepted your “this is temporary” and moved on without communicating that he needed more than just your temporary reassurances. This is a big communication issue. Talk to him about it. Approach it as “I want to be a better partner but I need to know what’s going on” and “I am sorry I didn’t pick up on the fact that X was bothering you so much. Let’s come up with a solution together.” In the future let him know that he needs to push back when he doesn’t think you’re listening to him. And you should also approach things more delicately. If he brings up a problem then you should either help fix it or ask how you can help. Don’t brush off his concerns. Come up with solutions or let him decide it’s not a huge problem that needs immediate attention. 

    Post # 13
    1337 posts
    Bumble bee

    bewitched :  ” I hate that other people are saying you brushed off his concerns. We don’t know that you intentially did that.”

    Why do you “hate” that people are saying this? It doesn’t actually matter very much if she didn’t *intentionally* brush off his concerns. You can still wound someone deeply by being thoughtless or careless; it isn’t only malice that hurts people.

    OP, you said that when he came to you with these problems, you told him that they were temporary, and now you seem incredulous that your words weren’t enough to quell his fears. “But I told him it was temporary, so that should be okay!” Obviously it wasn’t okay. I don’t agree with him blindsiding you with this; he absolutely should’ve communicated more openly and seriously before making such a huge decision. Nevertheless, this situation has probably held up a mirror in front of you if you’re willing to look. 

    Post # 14
    1216 posts
    Bumble bee

    DeniseSecunda :  people make mistakes and misread pleas for help. Maybe she thought they were on the same page when really they weren’t. I’m not going to pretend to understand their relationship and what went down. I just wanted to offer my support and sympathy. Losing a fiancé is hard. If he comes back maybe the OP can use my tips to foster better communication. 

    Post # 15
    506 posts
    Busy bee

    Personally bee. I wouldn’t want to work things out with someone who was so poor at communicating & as for him blindsiding you  this way – there’s literally NO excuse for that now or ever. I couldn’t trust him after this…


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