Fiance Out of the Blue Left

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I Move On or Try?

    Move On

    Try To Work Things Out

  • Post # 17
    Member
    6906 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    “He thinks everyone hates me which isnt the case.”

    What?  Do you mean he thinks everyone hates him now?  Or why on earth would he think everyone hated you?  So confused.  Overall I’m leaning toward a mental issue coupled with feeling overwhelmed by situations he’s not happy about.  People are right that you may have brushed things off as temporary that he felt were bigger issues, but a stable person would communicate that better, or it would be obvious they were unhappy.  Who puts on a happy face and then says they’re out?

    Bee, wait until he reaches out to you.  if he doesn’t, such is life.  If he does and you want to work things out, get with a mediator (i.e. therapy) and both of you learn to communicate better and how to adapt when your life plans don’t work as you expect.

    Post # 18
    Member
    9182 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    Sometimes the person communicates just fine and it is actually that the other person isn’t listening. 

    I dated someone like this who claimed I totally blindsided them when I ended the relationship. I had been clearly expressing that I wasn’t happy in the relationship but he just brushed it off or worse parrotted it back making it seem like he was actually listening when he wasn’t. 

    OP give him space and if he does want to talk then really listen and address any issues together in a concrete way. But be prepared that he does not want to stay in the relationship. It might also be good to evaluate if you really are happy in the relationship as well.

    Post # 19
    Member
    3082 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    View original reply
    bre3 :  “He thinks everyone hates me which isnt the case.”

    ???

    Is there any context to this??

    Post # 21
    Member
    217 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    Just call the guy& say everything that ppl have been saying on here…

    Give him maybe one more day, then call him. Ef “waiting for him to reach out to you”… that’s stupid. If you love him & he loves you, cancel everything, go apartment hunting, & call him before it’s too late. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    3073 posts
    Sugar bee

    Sorry this happened, bee! I know how it feels. My ex did that to me a few years ago. I came home to find all of his things gone. I tried to work it out with him for a few months after that, but after 2 months I realized it was pointless & I moved on. Thank goodness I did, because I found an amazing man shortly thereafter!! 

    You should move on. But I also understand your feelings, and that you may not be ready to yet because I’ve been there before. Just don’t let it drag on and on for years to come. Get whatever closure you need & move on.

    Feel free to message me if you want to talk more.

    Post # 23
    Member
    3082 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    View original reply
    bre3 :  Oh, I thought you meant that he said he thinks everyone hates YOU, which made no sense.

    My advice is still the same – give it another day or two and then ask him to get together to talk. Go into the conversation fully accepting that you might leave it no longer a couple, but if you want to try to work it out you need to be fair to both him AND yourself. It can’t just be him saying sorry and then all is forgiven. He needs to be willing to work on his communication and so do you.

    Good luck!

    Post # 24
    Member
    39 posts
    Newbee

    It was out of the blue for you because you, like PP said, either intentionally brushed things off, or misread him. I will give you the benefit of doubt and go with you misunderstanding the magnitude of his concerns, because I know people who cannot for their life read between the lines and are less sensitive to distress cues etc. And also people who are less clear when communicating (he may be wishy washy with his concerns and did not push the issue when you obviously did not solve the issue) 

    I would give him space for a few weeks and ask if he would like to meet and have a serious conversation about it. If he misses your relationship and the only reason he bailed was due to stress and pressure, and not losing attraction for you, he may come around and then you can try to solve the problems together. 

    Post # 25
    Member
    333 posts
    Helper bee

    I don’t think it is necessarily the case that OP misread her Fiance.  He said he wanted to get married, he was planning a destination wedding, and he asked her to move in with her mother to save for a wedding.  OP is not responsible for her FI’s job troubles.  To be frank, OP is NOT responsible for any descisions he made.  In other circumstances, bees love to say that actions speak louder than words.  

    To be honest, it sounds to me like your ex-FI has some communication issues.  If he was able to act like everything was normal until he broke up with you, that is a serious problem.  A persons who is considering ending their engagement should tell their partner that in no uncertain terms (if only to prevent financial losses and public embarassement.) 

     Even if your Fiance decides to come back, will you be able to trust him?  Would you feel comfortable leaning on him in times of trouble?  Even worse, would you be afraid he was going to leave you everytime you hit a rough patch in life?  Personally, i would not be able to get over this.  I vote, let him go…  

    Not to be horrible, but haven’t we all had our partner approach us and tell us he was unhappy with some aspect in his life?  My partner has come to me in times of trouble for comfort and advice.  I have never assumed he wanted to leave me, particularly when his troubles did not involve me.  (My DH was unemployed for 9 months during our engagement, and we had a truly terrible living situation.)

    Best of wishes to you, OP.  I can only give you some random stranger’s internet advice.  You know the best thing to do for yourself.  Please do not blame yourself.  This is not your fault.  

    Post # 26
    Member
    1036 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    It’s not your job to read between the lines or pick up on his distress signals.  It does sound like a lot of the things he was unhappy with were actually temporary and you were giving support the best way you could with the information given. It also sounds like what he was upset about were all things that he, not you, decided.   Personally, I think you should move on.  It doesn’t sound as if he’s willing , or capable,  of doing the work it would take to improve his communication skills.  

    Post # 27
    Member
    4 posts
    Wannabee

    View original reply
    bre3 :  This similar situation happened to me before the day of our actual wedding, it was 2004. We were both stressed about the prepation of our wedding, he was working overseas, so I was doing all the preparations and my fiance was only have 4 weeks to spare to do his duty. We had a silly argument the day before of the wedding, then he just left, and I came home alone to my Mom’s house. My Mom didn’t know was going on because it happend late at night they were all asleep. I would like to cancel the wedding, what should I do??? all the things were prepared! even the invites were distributed a week before. It was the stressed of the event itself that made us wanted to give up. to my surprise, he came back early in the morning with tears in his eyes, I never turned away for what he did to my poor nerve, after all he is the only man that I wanted to marry, no matter where time and space bring me. I was married twice with same man. I loved him with all my heart that I would accept any circumstances just to be with him. And now he’s my husband. we were happily married for 14 years. Give him a chance. If he comes back, then he’s meant to be. This is just the beginning of all. All the best for you and your fiance.

     

    Post # 28
    Member
    977 posts
    Busy bee

    It doesn’t sound like it was out of the blue. It sounds like he’d been planning it for awhile and you didn’t have a clue. 

    Post # 30
    Member
    1036 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    View original reply
    bre3 :  I would operate under the assumption that he’s done.  I’m sorry you’re going through this but you don’t want someone like this by your side.  Chances are, you’ll have hit more hard times down the road because that’s just how life is.  You want someone who can communicate and work with you not someone who bottles up his emotions and cuts out.  

    View original reply
    pussinboots07 :  Exactly this.  When my husband came back from Japan he was working a part time retail job that paid nothing.   We were living in practically a shoe box.  It wasn’t the best time in our lives but he eventually found a new job and we were able to buy a house.  It never occurred to me that he would leave because of this.  Marriage exists in bad times and good. It’s really easy to stick out the good.  You want someone who can be there in the bad too.  

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