(Closed) Fiance refuses to help with wedding costs

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

I think the problem is the that you both want different weddings and different budgets.  I would get on the same page and compromise so that you are both getting elements that you want.  Maybe a compromise would be 20 guests and a nice dinner out.  No where near 10k and not a court house wedding either.

Post # 3
7847 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If he thinks its getting too costly you need to talk about it. I don’t think it should be a fully “well you wanted it so you pay for it”, but if he wants something smaller and more affordable and you’re pushing for something bigger then I can see why he wouldn’t want to pay for it.

Generally (not always) after marriage it stops being ‘mine’ and ‘your’ money, and becomes ‘ours’. So he is fighting hard now, but what will happen after youre married? How are you going to deal with financial situations then? It seems like a good jumping off point for some conversations between you two.

Post # 5
205 posts
Helper bee

Only spend the money you’re both comfortable attending as a couple. If you can’t agree on a wedding budget when you’re short on finances, how’s the rest of your marriage going to go?

If his mom wants to invite more people than you want to invite, she needs to be willing to pay for her guests. Otherwise, dinner out with a small group of friends and done would work.

Post # 6
3561 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

It sounds like the issue here is that you’re both on totally different pages. Has he been telling you from the beginning that he wants a courthouse wedding? You really should have both compromised and had a medium sized wedding. But if you chose to plan a $10,000+ wedding even though he wanted to go to the courthouse, and you went over budget, I can’t really blame him for not wanting to help. I’m willing to bet the ring/honeymoon cost a lot so it’s not like he’s contributing nothing. 

The thing is, you went over budget. So I don’t think it’s fair to go to him now and say he needs to help with costs. But that said, I do think that as your partner he should be considerate and willing to help when you’re in trouble, even if it’s not his ideal wedding . I think it is very important you two figure this out and compromise. This doesn’t sound like you guys are setting a healthy financial precedent for your marriage. 

Post # 7
4225 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Yikes this is a sticky situation, reading the title of your post I was like oh fuck no, nope… But in context I can kinda understand where he’s coming from.

Is there a reason why you’re becoming consumed with the wedding and are now over budget?

He has a point in the sense that if you had a convo about a budget and now you’re not sticking to it maybe this is his way of reigning you in a bit by making you realize how much money it’s becoming so that you can both get back on the same page.

What is unfortunate is that you also set the precedent by paying for everything in the first place honestly. I mean I get that he was having an issue with bills but it should have been just a cut and dry, you’re the only one fitting the wedding bill kind of thing… But that’s all water under the bridge at this point…

I think you both need to sit down and come up with a new plan or compromise so you don’t start becoming more resentful of him and his choice to continue to not contribute. This could fester into a bigger issue if you don’t tackle it now…

Post # 9
4225 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Also his mom has NO SAY if you are the one paying. Oh hell no! Put your foot down girl! If you want a small wedding then have a small wedding! 

Post # 10
1412 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, if I was told while you were planning that I didn’t have to pay for the wedding cause I didn’t want it, and now 2.5 months out you’re hitting me up for money, I wouldn’t pay either. 

Post # 14
47381 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
olivia2486 :  If you are a couple, then I think it is fair in this day and age, that the ring and the honeymoon are counted when you add up the expense of getting married. If you haven’t sent out invitations yet, you still have time to downsize the wedding so you don’t go over budget. That is completely within your control.

The two of you need to stand up to his Mom together. You don’t have to cave and say yes, just because she asks for something more than once.

You also need to be very clear in your communications in the future, so you are not constantly having this type of misunderstanding.

Post # 15
4242 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This is indicative of how things will be when your lives are totally merged.  He says “you want it, you pay for it”.  Where is the unity in that?  Where is the “let’s figure this out together”?  Money issues are a top reason why people get divorced.  You are already having them now and you aren’t even married yet.  I agree that his mom should not have a say in the wedding, but his attitude isn’t helping matters.  If he doesn’t want the larger wedding and she does, he needs to talk to her.  If you both agreed on a $10,000 budget, where is his contribution?  Does the $10,000 include the engagement ring and the honeymoon?  If not, well, he needs to get his ass in gear.

I would not get married until you feel more confident about your ability to talk about budgets and money.  You aren’t even close to that point right now.

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