Post # 1
My fiance and I are a same-sex couple, and tonight she got drunk and told me that every single day, she obsesses about a comment my brother made while he was drunk about a guy I pretended to date for one week 12 years ago. We have had conversations about the fact that when I was very young I pretended to be straight for awhile and had fake male crushes to blend in with my friends. My brother made this comment about 2 years ago, and recently he made a comment about my chlidhood “crush” on Johnny Depp. When we first started dating I told her that in college I dated guys as a front, and that I had drunkenly made out with a close guy friend twice while drunk about six years ago (I am no longer friends with him, because although I loved him as a friend, he wanted more from me and I didn’t – ultimately a very upsetting falling out because it was a great friendship). I also made a few passing comments about male celebrities being good-looking (I think of it the way a straight girl might comment on another girl being pretty – in a totally sexless way). She was extremely sensitive to all of this, got very angry and almost panicky about it, and so I stopped talking about any of it.
A bit of context: she was repeatedly sexually abused as a young child by a close male family member, and has only recently begun seeing a therapist for the first time in her life. She is also estranged from her severely homophobic family and essentially has no one in life (her close friends all live far away). She also lost her first girlfriend to a guy – her worst fear the whole time she was growing up closeted in a small, conservative Southern town. Her mother also passed away very suddenly a couple years ago. She has a drinking problem, her long-term coping mechanism for all of this, and when she occasionally gets too drunk, she unleashes all of this stuff that she never talks about while sober. She has really made an effort to face her issues in therapy and has come such a long way since we met. I am so proud of the progress she has made and cannot imagine being in her situation. But I find this hypersensitivity and obsession very disturbing, especially because I had no idea she obsesses about this so frequently. She says she can never forget that my brother made those comments and that she feels very angry that he “keeps bringing up” my “history” with guys. Apparently she cannot be around him without obsessing about this.
I am really at a loss for what to do. In general she is not a jealous person at all and has no qualms about any of my female exes, but this tiny, distant fragment of my past involving guys sends her into a tailspin. I know it is probably related to her childhood abuse and her history with dating several women who left her for men, but right now I feel like I don’t know her – she sometimes exaggerates when she is drunk and angry, but if it’s true she obsesses about this every day, I really don’t know how to move forward from here. Anyone have ideas?
Post # 2
She needs to stop drinking and seek therapy for her insecurities before it ruins your relationship. You did nothing wrong. This is her issue.
Post # 3
if It really is an everyday thing that is not healthy at all
Post # 4
If she truly obsesses about that every day, that is a huge problem. There are things about someone’s past that may bother you when you hear them but in order to continue on and have a healthy relationship, you have to be able to move past them. If she can’t get over those things and feel secure in your relationship I don’t think there is much you can do.
Being angry at your brother also seems very irrational. To hold is against your brother that two years ago he drunkenly brought up the time twelve years ago you pretended to date a guy for a week, and recently brought up that you had a crush on Johnny Depp as a kid. Johnny Depp was just recently in the news again so it makes sense that he thought of that. Who cares. That is your past and you shouldn’t have to be ashamed of it or hide it. There’s nothing wrong with either of those things. Crushes you have before puberty are not sexual. You should also be able to recognize the goodlookingness of all people without your significant other getting upset.
Definitely a lot of red flags and not being rational. She either is secure in your relationship or she isn’t. Sadly there isn’t much you can do to help if she is obsessed and on that level of insecurity and irrationality.
Post # 5
My advice to everyone and anyone would be don’t marry an alcoholic. If she’s still drinking, she’s not even trying to address the problem.
If she has unresolved trauma, you should do your best to support her, but there is only so much you can do. Don’t use her past to excuse her toxicity. Her fixation is not healthy. It also sounds like she bottles up her feelings and uses being drunk as her passage to venting her thoughts.
Too many red flags. She needs to work on herself before being in a relationship
Post # 6
Tbh I think your wife has serious issues which she self medicates with an alcohol dependence. This in itself is a problem but that she’s started taking them out on you is an even bigger problem. I don’t like to jump straight to abuse or “red flag” as I find that to be overused on these boards, but if her irrational jealousy and anger at you over this continues I would categorise this as emotional abuse 100%.
Many abusers have truly sad childhood triggers which often cause their partner to feel sorry for them and try to downplay the abuse, but they really shouldn’t because then it turns into a codependent situation. That she gets angry while drunk is also worrying.
I don’t like to give this advice lightly, in fact I just made a post saying it was given out far too frequently, but I have to say if she doesn’t get help ASAP and admit that she is the one in the wrong and this is caused by her own alcoholism and mental illness my advice is to leave. Think of it this way, if you heard about this behaviour in a husband for example – angry drunk, irrationally jealousy and angry over things others would laugh off, obsessive about their partners thoughts – how would you describe them? I would describe them as abusive.
I realise this is super awkward right now but do you have anyone else you can stay with for a while? Perhaps you should start thinking about that especially as the current world situation develops. You don’t want to be stuck with someone who is increasingly drunk and irrationally angry with you at the best of times, but least of all right now. Take care.
Post # 7
This is your life. Don’t marry an alcoholic with unresolved mental health issues.
Post # 8
Is it possible that her insecurities might be because she sometimes is attracted to men and is curious about what it is like to be with a male (in a healthy way)?
Post # 9
This is unhappiness in the making. Put a hold on those wedding plans.
To echo pp’s… Do not marry an alcoholic. Do not marry someone with unresolved mental health issues. Do not marry an alcoholic with unresolved mental health issues.
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2020 - Hampton, VA
Um… a lot of these people are being very harsh. AS someone who has had very unhealthy relationship with alcohol in my past (I no longer drink as I realized I wanted to avoid nights like your partner just had at all costs) I think what she said was 100% exaggerated. It probably bothers her when it comes up but I highly doubt she obsesses over it every single day.
I think your line about “not knowing her” because of her drunken perosona is really harsh.
I do think she should try to stop drinking and it sounds super scary to those of us with a hard childhood and who have never lived a lifestyle without some type of substance being taken on the regular. ESPECIALLY with how ingrained in social lifestyle the substance alcohol is.
I would recommend to her that because you have some serious concern about her mental health and your relationship, you’d like her to read this book> https://www.amazon.com/Quit-Like-Woman-Radical-Obsessed/dp/1984825054
It COMPLETELY changed my outlook on alcohol and gave the power back to ME in my choice to not drink. There is a really hard line to cross thinking that to not drink, you must be broken or something is wrong with you in some kind of way… that we failed where others don’t. it’s hard to admit even to ourselves…
Her insecurity about your past is NOT your burden to carry. That is something she has to be able to let go of. I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who scrutinizes and judged me based on my past… That part is the worst of this whole post. 🙁 Can you join her in a therapy session one time or something to go over that? The resentment that could cause could absolutely ruin a relationship.
Post # 11
It sounds like your Fiance should be focusing on her healing right now. It may be possible to do that while in relationship but when someone is dealing with serious trauma and healing for the first time in years, any and everything in their lives will be up for reconsideration at some point down the line. Just a heads up there. I’ve spent some extensive time in healing communities and a lot of people end up blowing up their lives and acting out a lot of their traumas before things get better.
My response to her about the obsessive fixation on a comment probably would have been “Do you realize that that is your own personal issue and isn’t really a reasonable reaction?”
I think you also need to have some clarity for yourself about where your boundaries are. Lovingly supporting your Fiance while she does the necessary work to heal does not mean that you have to indulge her unhealthy behavior or reactions- that includes alcoholism as well as daily ruminations about dumb shit.
Post # 12
Goodness, Bee. I hope your engagement is a long one. She needs to work on herself before marriage. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, most of my gay friends dated someone of the opposite sex prior to committing to a same-sex partner. Your fiancé needs to sort out her insecurities and her drinking quickly before she dooms your relationship. I too dated someone with alcohol addiction, and he often brought up insecurities about me and my past, while drunk. The relationship was not easy. I know what you’re dealing with, and I sympathize with you both.
Post # 13
I would hold off on marriage until she handles this insecurity/issue. Given her history of being abused as a child, and now having this issue, therapy may be very helpful for her.
Post # 14
It’s great that she’s started therapy. It sounds like she’s desperately needed it for a long time. The wedding should really be postponed indefinitely while she works on herself. Your relationship isn’t necessarily doomed, but if you marry her now, you’re marrying an alcoholic with unresolved trauma who fixates on irrelevant things in your past. That is not the makings of a healthy, long-lived marriage.
The only thing you can do here is support her through therapy, and postpone the wedding. She needs to do the work in therapy to curb her addiction and heal from her past.
Post # 15
to me it sounds like what she is stuck on is more the fact that your brother said the thing about the guy than, than the thing itself. Maybe it made her feel not accepted by your brother, like he was taking a jab at her by saying it. I think the issue is that your brother hurt her feelings, he will be her brother in law once your married and she may have a preconceived idea of an ideal in law relatioship that includes being sensitive about things like that with each other. I think you should talk to your brother, make sure he didn’t say it just to hurt her and then assuming he didn’t mean it like that maybe if he apologized to her and had a talk with her that makes her feel he welcomes her as a new family member, maybe that could help her feel better.