(Closed) Fiance said, “Lets take a Step Back…”

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I agree with PP. Women have that gut feeling for a reason. And you can’t build a marriage with that nagging feeling that something is always not right. Marriage is built on trust, love, and mutual respect. You said that you are spiritual. Rely on God to help through this. Because He will, he never gives us more than we can handle- though that doesn’t always seem the case. 🙂

Post # 33
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m going to disagree with PPs. 

Mostly because I hate, hate, hate it when people make decisions based on the “I just know he’s thinking this,” or “I just know she’s going to do that.”  You only know what someone has actually said or done, and in this case I’m inclined to believe your Fiance honestly does want to make things work and thinks this is a good way to go about it.

I mean, he’s also probably wrong, but that doesn’t mean he’s engaging in some grand subterfuge to manipulate you.

If he can give you specific reasons why not living together will make the problem better, then I think it’s worth further discussion.  Explaining why the situation bothers you and why you think it’s the wrong approach might change his mind, provided you can articulate other methods for addressing your issues.

Then again, if he can’t explain his reasoning and the steps he feels you two ought to take to improve your relationship, then it’s best to walk away. 

Post # 34
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You have already answered yourself, “What I feel is that he won’t call it quits with me because he knows Im a good woman and wants me as Plan B, just in case.” That is why his is still cuddling and says he love you. He wants you to be Plan B. And you keep hoping that if you are patient enough as Plan B, he will suddenly look at you (Wow, I’ve been able to treat her like sh** and she is still here. She is more wonderful than I ever thought. I love her even more…) and everything will be what you want it to be.

But when you let someone disrespect you, all they do is…disrespect you more and love you less.

Just know that when you kick him to the curb (because I see your strength and I already see you doing it), he will come crawling back. He likes having you has Plan B. Be strong and realize you deserve to be with someone who you would never need to look at their phone because you trust them 100%.

“When given the choice between uncertainty and unhappiness, (most) people will choose unhappiness.”

Post # 35
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

A few red flags for me in this post:

-He has a partying habit that “leads to temptation”
-You found something inappropiate on his phone, and he made it seem like it was your fault
-He suddenly does not want children

I mean there’s more, but this guy doesn’t seem like the cream of the crop, if you know what I mean. I agree with the PP’s that moving out seems very counter-productive at this point, especially since you have been engaged for a while.

I think he’s trying to sever the relationship by what he thinks are “baby steps.” First, moving out but claiming ya’ll are still engaged and won’t see other people. There’s a good possibility it will turn into “I think we should see other people, but still be engaged, so we know we really love each other” or some other bullshit.

Anyway, you feel like something isn’t right.
Well, I’d have to agree.

Good luck.

Post # 36
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I just want to say that I would not be ok with this situation.  He is giving you some sort of reason to be suspicious of him, but you can’t prove it.  Do you really want to spend the rest of your being suspicious and insecure about your relationship?  I know personally, I couldn’t live like that.  You’ll always be wondering where he is, who he is talking to, who he is texting, and if you ask, you’ll be treated like you are the one in the wrong. 

If that is something you are ok with, then work it out.  But really think hard about it.  In my experience, a man that makes you feel wrong for asking about things on his phone is a man that is up to something.  If you move out and stay together, there will be plenty of times where you will call or text him and he won’t answer or respond right away.  Think about where your imagination would take that.  Also, you yourself said that you feel like Plan B to him.  Don’t ever settle for anything less than being Plan A. 

I think if there are really issues that you both want to work out, then counseling would be your best best, not moving out.  I hope everything works out for you. 

Post # 37
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I haven’t read everyone else’s posts, so I’m not sure if this has been said or not but here goes.  First, I am so sorry you’re dealing with this!  Second, for me, things are black and white with relationships: you’re all in, or you’re all out.  He wants to keep you hanging on while he moves out and does whatever he wants.  He realizes eventually there will be something on his phone he can’t explain but if it’s not in the house with you, you can’t snoop in it.  I am all for people having privacy on their phones and things but once you start finding things and he gets defensive and begins to back away, something is up.  The things that stuck out to me in your post were: he’s not ready for commitment and doesn’t want kids, and you do.  He has made you feel like less of a human being which is NOT ok.  Do you really want to spend forever feeling bad about yourself?  Your SO should build you up, not make you feel worse about yourself.

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