Post # 1
My fiance and I have been dating for four years and engaged for about one and a half. Our wedding is in September of this year, so we have around seven months to go. We have had big fights in the past but always reconciled and said to each other, I’m sorry that happened, we’re going to get better and be better for each other. We’ve talked about going to couples counseling but have had a hard time finding someone we’re both comfortable with so while we still want counseling, we haven’t really gotten any yet.
Yesterday we were very casually talking about wishes. I said I wished to live abroad for a while, he said he wished to be more confident about getting married before the wedding. That kind of stopped me cold, partly because of how casually it was said, but partly because it made me feel like I’m just sitting here doing all I can to make this relationship work and he’s still not sure. He said he’s 90-95% sure he wants to marry me and wants to get to 99% before the wedding. He says the way to do that is to go three to four months without a major right, but we only have seven to go and I’m worried that something is going to go wrong and he’s going to call things off.
Am I wrong to be worried that I’m with someone who has a 10% margin of doubt about marrying me? It feels so weird to be in this relationship all of the sudden.
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
That sounds off. What have your fights been over? DH and I argued more in the year before our wedding than at any other time in our relationship, but it was over wedding stuff – we had VERY different ideas about what our wedding should be like. But if you’re fighting over things like money, where you’ll live, whether you want kids and when to have them etc etc, then I’d be concerned. I do think he’s being unrealistic though – couples do fight from time to time, but it’s about HOW you fight and how it’s resolved – counseling is a very good idea as it will help you communicate better, hopefully avoiding fights, and if you do get to that point, it will help you fight better, as it were.
Post # 3
we’re on the same page when it comes to future plans for sure. The arguments are mostly about wedding planning and how certain situations are handled- for example, I have a bad habit of snapping at him and I’m working on it and honestly thought I’d improved enough to make life a little easier for us. I think part of the reason I feel so down is because I thought I knew what all of our problems were and that we had solutions/plans for all of them, but clearly I’m missing something because he still doesn’t feel sure enough about getting married to not be worried.
Post # 4
Uhh, what? Maybe I’m overreacting but I wouldn’t feel confidant and secure marrying someone who was “90% sure” that he wanted to marry me. Like, wtf? I don’t know, it just seems shady and manipulative to me.
Plus, the fact that it seems like you think you’re the problem in the relationship. Snapping at someone isn’t a good way to handle disagreements, but have you thought about what he does that makes you upset? I hate to throw around the word gaslighting because it gets used a lot, but…from what I’ve read your Fiance strikes me as being manipulative.
What are some of the problems & solutions that you’ve discussed?
What is going to happen in the future when things get tough? Is he going to throw a “25% possibility” of divorce or seperation in your face?
Post # 5
No, that is not normal, and frankly I wouldn’t get married to anyone who was less than 100% sure about me. The good news is you still have 7 months. You need to bite the bullet and go to counseling together ASAP…no more excuses about not being able to find someone you both like. https://therapists.psychologytoday.com is a great resource for finding counselors…you can filter your search by location and what type of therapist you’re looking for (I suggest someone with an LMFT degree, which means they specialize in family counseling).
Fiance and I saw three different pre-marital counselors before we found one we both liked. While neither of us was unsure about getting married, we had some major cultural/religious obstacles to overcome. We found ourselves having the same exact argument for months on end (about how our wedding ceremony should go) and just unable to come to any resolution. Seeing a counselor was SO helpful.
Tell your Fiance that counseling is an absolute must. Go on psychologytoday.com and find 3 therapists in your area – send him the links and have him choose, and then schedule the appt. Do NOT marry someone who is only 85-90% sure about you, and who wants to basically put you on trial. Wanting to go 4 months without an argument is so arbitrary, and also won’t get to the bottom of WHY you are arguing so much, which a good counselor will. Good luck!
Post # 6
You deserve someone who is 100% sure he wants to marry you. At a minimum I’d postpone the wedding.
Post # 7
I feel like the time to work up to 99% (or like, 110%) was BEFORE you become engaged and planned a wedding, not after. To answer your question, you should definitely be worried.
Post # 8
You say you feel you’ve adjusted the amount you snap at him. What does he say? How does he feel about the amount?
Honestly, I see both sides. I understand his point of not wanting to make a huge commitment without seeing a change and feeling like a period of time has been long enough to rule out regression. You may feel you snap less but you may still do so enough to where it feels unhealthy for him and if it’s a habit…there are times you could not even notice you did but he naturally would.
I think it’s a big sign he is giving you that counseling is needed now. No more excuses or putting it off. Find someone and find someone quickly.
In the meantime, I’d stop with discussing weddings or major future living arrangements. Work on now and what’s in front of you both currently.
Yes, all couples argue from time to time. However, clearly the amount going on in your relationship is not working. So you both need to get things laid out and figure out how to work moving forward. Or you both need to decide if this isn’t the right situation for either of you. You might want to think about halting the wedding. You may have some losses but that’s better than the losses you face with a divorce.
I wouldn’t marry someone that isn’t 100% sure about me. I also wouldn’t marry someone that snaps all me habitually and that I haven’t had a long enough period of time to see it’s maintained.
Post # 9
If he wasn’t sure, why would he propose? You need to talk to him immediately and see where he’s really at. With the stress of the wedding, you really shouldn’t have to also be worrying about whether or not a small tiff is going to cause him to call off the wedding. The one thing my husband reassured me with throughout all the craziness of the wedding was how happy he was going to be just to be married to me, and the rest didn’t matter. I can’t even imagine him saying he wasn’t sure and wished he was…? That sounds like a cop out.
Post # 10
No, never was my husband wavering on marrying me. He was always 1000% sure he wanted to marry me.
Post # 11
josephine15 : “He said he’s 90-95% sure he wants to marry me and wants to get to 99% before the wedding.”
No no no no no. I’m sorry but no, this is not normal and I WOULD NOT be okay with this. When you get engaged you should be 100% ready to marry that person right now. Not hoping you eventually come around to 100%. That’s incredibly fucked up. Why did he even propose?
I would never marry someone, or agree to marry someone, unless both of us were 110% positive we wanted to be together forever.
If I were you I’d take a major step back. Postpone or cancel the wedding and go from there.
Post # 12
Are you sure he’s just not having cold feet?
Post # 13
Nope, no, no way.
Sorry, I wouldn’t accept a man who only wants to marry me 90% and only if i’m on my best behavior. Fuck that noise.
Post # 14
What are your fights about and how do you treat him when you argue/how does he treat you?
Post # 15
This is weird. Engagement isn’t a time to figure out if this is someone you want to marry, that is what dating is all about. Engagement is a time to prepare for the lifetime ahead, and the major commitment you are about to make to each other. Even the strongest couples can have trouble in marriage because all of a sudden it isn’t all about you anymore; all of a sudden all of your decisions affect another person.
I would sit him down to figure out exactly what he means by this. Is he having serious doubts? Is he experiencing cold feet? Is he nervous about the commitment he is about to make to you? I know you say that you haven’t found a therapist who you are comfortable with yet, but now is definitely the time to get into counselling ASAP.