(Closed) Fiance says he's not sure, am I right to be freaked out??

posted 3 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 17
Member
451 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think I’d be freaked out, I’d be grateful he was honest. Marrying with uncertainty is not a good plan. You don’t want to find out 10 years later after it’s too late, right? You have the opportunity to address the issues that he’s bringing up. Do that!

Post # 18
Member
283 posts
Helper bee

It’s not so much the percentage that would bother me, but instead the fact that he thinks it’s a problem. I think its hard to go into anything with 100% certainty and that, especially after a big fight, it’s normal to check in with yourself and confirm that this is what you really want. I’m 100% certain we’re both going to try to make it work forever, but not 100% positive it will. But I’m still very excited to get married and see where our lives take us. It sounds like that excitement is missing here.

I think it’s a good idea to go to a marriage counselor and talk it out. It’s not reasonable to expect no disagreements, and a counselor may be able to give you strategies for dealing with them in a way that makes you both feel good about the outcome.  

Post # 19
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Whoa!  I will quite honestly say I was only about 75% sure(and as MOG, we’ve been married 45 years in June).  It’s not at ALL unusual to have some doubt over such a big committment.  Give him the benefit of the doubt here.  

Post # 20
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

Okay, but is it like simple bickering back and forth, or is it full blown fighting, where you’re both yelling and screaming at each other and hurling insults?

 

If it’s the latter, that doesn’t seem like a very healthy environment to be in. If it’s the former, then you guys just need to work on communicating better. Weddings are stressful – I’m beginning to see why people go crazy trying to plan one. That being said, you can’t let your emotions take control over you, especially in an argument. You need to come from a strong, logical position. It will help you get your message across more easily, especially with men.

Wanting to always be right isn’t such a great thing to strive for. If I’m wrong, I admit to it, and I let my boyfriend know. If we ever argue, and it’s not very often, we always apologize to each other after everything has cooled down, and then everything is back to normal again. We don’t fight, we argue – I consider those two to be different. I think it’s important to let your fiance know that you hear him when he brings up his concerns. but he also needs to be able to hear yours as well. Counseling may be the route to go.

Post # 21
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Saying he’s 90% sure makes it sound like he’s so close, you don’t really have to worry, he’ll get to 99% before you know it. But in reality, he’s choosing an arbitrary number — when the important part is that he’s saying he’s not ready.  Couples counseling is a great idea.  Not only to see if you and he figure out why he’s not ready (or what needs to change), but to see if you’re even ok marrying someone who isn’t sure.

Your FI telling you he isn’t ready is a gift, because you know *before* the wedding that this might not be the right step to take. Which doesn’t take the hurt out of it, at all. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 23
Member
22 posts
Newbee

View original reply
josephine15 :  Hi! I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s really tough. My fiance and I went through similar issues before we were engaged and decided to go to couple’s counseling. It was one of the best decisions for us. It helped us unpack a lot of underlying emotions that we both had that actually had nothing to do with impending marriage and helped him find an individual therapist that he still sees. It also helped me figure out a better way to communicate with him. 

Did you tell him the fears that his comment brought up for you?

My finance used to say that he wasn’t afraid of marriage because it’s not important, but because it’s EXTREMELY important and he DOES see it as a lifelong commitment, so he wants to be 100% sure. 

The good thing is that he has already proposed, and you have a date! So at the core, he probably IS sure. I think some doubts are completely normal, and that we can’t always take what people SAY at face value, if their actions show that they truly love us. 

Good luck! I know first hand the emotions that come with this are particularly hard to navigate, but if you truly love him and he truly loves you, it will work out. 

Post # 24
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

While I think ambivalence is pretty common with any major life decision, theres a difference between ambivalence which cam be resolved and ambivalence which festers. It sounds like your Fiance is pretty firmly wedged on the fence without much chance of making a real choice anytime soon. 

What’s more, i would be  very worried he will get married simply because he never makes the decision *not* to marry, rather tjan marrying because he actively chose to.

The thing is, unresolved ambivalence has more to do with the person who ia experiencing it than the person or thing or situation its about. All situations have benefits and negatives, that doesn’t make them unresolvable. A person not being able to clearly choose one value over another (a necessary skill) is what makes a situation unresolveable.

I don’t like that he blames you for his lack of commitment.

I think he would benefit from individual therapy before seeing anyone  as a couple.

 

Post # 25
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Please, please, please get into pre-marital counseling. Don’t wait for him to set it up. Do it yourself if you have to. It will help tremendously. My Fiance are in counseling now with the Pastor that is going to marry us in June. We will have 7 to 9 sessions. We have been through 3 so far. A good counselor will make you talk about  EVERYTHING, even those uncomfortable topics that you dread talking about. I believe that a woman will always be a certain percentage more sure about marriage than a man. It’s how we are wired. Men scare easilly emotionally.  Be honest with him, and let him know that you are concerned. He may not be as nervous has he sounds. Men have a way of making things seem worse than they are. Wishing you the best of luck!!!

Post # 26
Member
9126 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

View original reply
josephine15 :  when we argue, we’re both so intent on being right and being heard that we don’t take the time to really understand how the other person is feeling or try help them out

Eek.  Yeah this is a BIG problem.  Because if you think life is stressful now (“how should we plan our wedding?”) and causing you to fight, imagine how much more stressful it will get down the line, with kids and/or infertility, job stresses or loss, loss of parents, health problems, financial crises, etc.  That style of fighting is just ripe for creating an environment of resentment towards each other and feeling like your needs/desires are overlooked.

I agree that going to counseling and learning about better communication strategies would really benefit you.  It’s great your Fiance is up for it – many men aren’t.  So get on it.  If there’s one thing I know, it’s that counseling BEFORE the situation feels dire is the way to go.  If it feels dire and that counseling is completely necessary, often it’s too late.

Post # 27
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think his comment is a huge problem. I was sure when I said yes to DH’s proposal and sure when I married him (and am still sure!), but the stress of wedding planning combined with the occasional flash of “omg, this is forever” (usually when he did something that annoyed me) still made me have momentary doubt here or there. It’s a big commitment – not one to go into blindly.

Post # 28
Member
11369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
josephine15 :  

Oh, ugh.  Now you’re going to be tip toeing around on eggshells to avoid the possibility of any unpleasantness that could displease your Fiance.

Post # 29
Member
2429 posts
Buzzing bee

I can’t get past the specific nature of the percentages. What attributes constitute 90-95%? What will be happening as he’s inching his way up to 99%?

How will he determine that when he gets to 98% he doesn’t slip back to 96% if you should forget to take the garbage out?

Can you make an upsurge to 98% with a great supper dish or super sex?

I wouldn’t know if I wanted to play the numbers game unless I knew a little more about how it was to be scored.

By the way, If I were scoring MY cnfidence at marrying him, I think I would have slipped down into the high 70th percentiles by now.

Post # 30
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

It seems like lately on the bee there all these guys giving ultimatums or requirements to their Fiance or Girlfriend, that sound plum crazy. My DH is a very optomistic, funny, and lighthearted person. I am more moody, so some of the time I am like him, other times totally different. Nonetheless, he will come to me and hug/kiss me and tell me how great I am. Some of the time his happy-go-lucky behavior can be irksome, because I am in a foul mood. We are still compatible and most of the time he brings my bad mood over to a good one before it resolves itself. I have worked on my temper and it has gotten much better over the years, but I am not able to alter my moods. Most of the time, this has nothing to do with him at all… We have an understanding about this.

What I am trying to say is, you need to be with someone who has a temperament that is suitable to yours. He sounds like he cannot deal with your moods or anger. You may never be able to change this behavior and he may never be able to deal with it. Most couples argue, so I am not sure that is really his concern. He sounds like he cannot deal with the negative side to your personality. This can eventually make you both less and less compatible over time. If he is requesting you to change something that is in your nature, it may be best not to stay together. You can’t change each other. If anything, marriage can exasurbate certain personality traits (good or bad). Either way, I hope this works out for the best.

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